In the grand continuum of the multiverse there exists Earth-analogue 78544-q, which is exactly like ours except for three things: Sasha Grey played Sam Witwicky in the Transformer movies; Shia LaBeouf went from Even Stevens to a career in hard-core porn; and New York City has decided to privatize its police department. Thanks to a presentation which totally did not involve lies, bribery, extortion, or murder, Rhymer Inc. has won the contract. Naturally we plan to use the NYPD to loot the city’s coffers, harass the United Nations, and in general work to accelerate the apocalypse, but those are all long-term goals. In the short term there’s actual crime to be fought. For obvious reasons, conducting detective work (rather than hindering it) is not in our wheelhouse; thus we’ve decided to recruit a team of detectives from various “fictional” universes to do the donkey work. Thus I am calling for nominations.
Here are the rules:
[ul]
[li]You may select up to seven characters, filling the roles of team leader, deputy, muscle, tech expert, expert interrogator, forensic tech, medical examiner, and other (i.e., reformed thief, genius amateur, eye candy, etc). And yes, I realize that’s eight positions. [/li][li]Only one character per universe. If you want Jane Lisbon as your team leader, you can’t have Patrick Jane in any capacity.[/li][li]Speaking of Patrick Jane, you may have a maximum of one brilliant civilian on the team, in whichever position you choose to have them fill.[/li][li]Nobody with super-powers; nobody with magic powers; nobody from a comic-book universe, high fantasy, or science fiction universe. In other words, Batman is as disqualified as Superman and Harry Potter.[/li][/ul]
I’m going all-television-of-days-past: team leader Hannibal Smith, with Barney Collier as his deputy and Magnum PI for muscle, plus MacGyver as the tech expert, Columbo as the expert interrogator, Gregory House on forensics as the medical examiner, and crime-solving stage magician Anthony Blake as the civilian consultant.
Team leader: Frank McPike
Deputy: Kate Beckett*
Muscle: Vic Mackey
Tech expert: Angus MacGyver
Expert interrogator: Frank Pembleton
Forensic tech: Sara Sidle*
Medical examiner: R. Quincy
Other (civilian outsider): Adrian Monk**
*In keeping with the OP’s presumed pairing of Sasha Grey and Megan Fox, Kate Beckett and Sara Sidle are a couple.
**If MacGuyver counts as a civilian and fills that slot, substitute Columbo for Monk.
MacGyver or Quincy might be willing to tolerate Monk. Pembleton would insist that he be fired or quit himself; Mackey would kill him. Beckett wouldn’t kill him but she would inflict some serious psychic damage.
I don’t know who Sara Sidle is, so by the Rhymer Rules she does not exist until I have a picture.
Team leader: Inspector Morse
Deputy: Ilya Kuryakin (The Man from U.N.C.L.E.)
Muscle: B.A. Baracus (The A-Team)
Tech expert: Barney Collier (Mission: Impossible)
Expert interrogator: Brenda Lee Johnson (The Closer)
Forensic tech: Dexter Morgan (Dexter)
Medical examiner: Dr. Donald “Ducky” Mallard (NCIS)
Other (civilian outsider): Jonathan Creek
I was originally tempted to go with Barney Fife as Deputy (because who else, really?)…but I figured that he’d be beaten senseless within about 15 minutes, and who would that benefit?
So I went with Ilya Kuryakin instead…which has the added benefit that I get to have David McCallum on my list twice
I wouldn’t have Pembleton or Mackey working with Monk. I’d probably use Beckett for that - if she can work with Castle, she can handle Monk.
And I picked McPike as team leader (replacing Castillo) because he showed he could handle keeping difficult people on the track of the investigation. Not just Vinnie Terranova, who occasionally threatened to go off the reservation, but also Roger Lococco and Michael Santana. I think he can keep the lid on Pembleton and Mackey.
I like Suburban Plankton’s idea of Barney Collier - I had forgotten about him. Quite frankly, I picked MacGyver because I couldn’t think of any other tech experts and he was acceptable.
Dangit, I thought this thread was going to be about an all-star baseball team featuring Major Criminals.
I was going to suggest a starting battery of Manson and Dillinger, and a Bundy to Gacy to Ridgway double-play combination. Bernie Madoff could manage, with Michael Swango as team doctor and the Monster of Florence as the mascot. O.J. Simpson could come off the bench to pinch-run.
No one from any CSI show will be allowed transport on any RhymerTech spacetime buggy; the only exception is Horatio Caine, who will be allowed on board only to make it easier to murder him.
team leader: Leroy Jethro Gibbs, NCIS
deputy: Kate Beckett
muscle: Det. Rick Hunter, Hunter
extra dry comic relief: Det. Arthur Dietrich, Barney Miller
expert interrogator: Frank Pendleton, Homicide Life on the Street
forensic tech: Jack Hodgins, Bones
m.e.: Alexx Woods (Khandi Alexander), CSI Miami
eye candy: I’m double-dipping but I don’t care- any woman from Bones,
Dr. Temperance ‘Bones’ Brennan, Angela Montenegro or Dr. Camille Saroyan.
Hey, I only now realize I missed the OP’s hard limit of one civilian consultant – which, if I’m sticking with House to diagnose stuff, means I’ll swap Blake out for a criminologist who excels at undercover work, supplies extra muscle at need, and can serve as the team’s backup interrogator: Jack Bauer.
Team leader: Detective Chief Inspector James “Jim” Taggart (Taggart)
Deputy: Detective Sergeant James Hathaway (Lewis)
Muscle: Detective Inspector John “Jack” Regan (The Sweeny)
Tech expert: Chuck Bartowski (Chuck)
Expert interrogator: Eddie “Fitz” Fitzgerald (Cracker)
Forensic tech: Abby Sciuto (NCIS)
Medical examiner: Dr. Nikki Alexander (Silent Witness)
Other (civilian outsider): Samantha Stewart (Foyles War)
