Severing Familial Ties

In My Humble Opinion
41

My wife cut off contact with her mother after she “spoiled” our wedding, in 2002. She didn’t ruin it for anyone else, but she sure as hell fucked it up for mrs jjimm. It was the last straw on a lifetime of emotionally abusive behaviour.

Four years have passed. I still have pangs for them, and wonder how mrs jjimm would feel if her mother died - but from my in-laws I hear that my mother-in-law is no more nor less miserable than she would be if mrs jjimm was in touch. She’s mentally ill, and being permanently miserable, and deliberately making her children unhappy, is a symptom of her illness. As far as she is concerned, the rest of the world is a bunch of abusive bastards, and she is the only good person on earth. She won’t seek help, nor accept it if offered.

At first I was upset for both of them: “but she’s your mother,” I said. Then as the months drew on, I noticed a positive change in mrs jjimm. Fucked up by her mother as she is, she seemed to be more relaxed, a little more each week. Four years on she has no regrets about her decision, and I now support her in it.

42

I can’t remember exactly when it was that I stopped talking w/my Mom - it was around twelve years ago, and I think it lasted for a couple of years, but honestly I can’t recall exactly. My Grandmother eventually engineered a mild reconciliation, but it’s not like we were close all of a sudden. Just started getting together on holidays or whatnot, but there was a lot of friction and unease.

What’s really amazing is, we are now very close and she is a major source of support to me.

The story of her illness and transformation (and mine) is a long one & probably not germane to your question. She made changes, I made changes, we talked & talked - nothing was off-limits, but at the same time we developed new boundaries in our relationship. We both forgave. It took a long time - even three years ago we weren’t as close as we are now.

I think you have an absolute right, in fact an obligation, to protect yourself from people whose presence in your life is toxic. Back away for a while, work on healing yourself, and see what happens.

43

Guilt is a major aspect of my family. My grandmother taught it to my mother, and mother tried to teach it to me. She uses passive aggressive behavior meant to make me feel guilty and therefore do what she wants me to do. It’s a total manipulation tactic.

At 24, I’d had enough. I decided that if she was going to act like the child, then by default, I had to act like the adult. And that’s what I did.

So the next time she tried the guilt trip, I told her very calmly, without a hint of anger, “I’m no longer going to allow myself to be manipulated by guilt or tantrums from you. If you want something, or if you want me to do something, you’re going to have to ask me to do it in an adult and respectful manner.”

I told my grandmother the same thing. Neither liked it. Neither changed. But here’s what happened: They stopped expecting me to respond to their manipulation tactics. And because the knew I wouldn’t respond, they eventually sort of gave up trying to use it on me. So while it didn’t end, it certainly got much better.

Unfortunately, though, I don’t talk to my mother much. She’s consumed with her own life, and when we talk, she never asks me what I’m doing, how I’m doing, or where I’m living. She doesn’t even know what I do for a living. She simply never asks. So our conversations are very one-sided; I spend most of our chat asking her about her, and helping her with her problems. Sort of like a parent would help a child.

The beauty part is that as the adult, YOU get to make the rules. If you’re out to lunch with Mom, and she starts in, you can just say in a very calm, matter-of-fact tone, “If you continue speaking to me like this, I’m leaving the restaurant,” and if she does, you simply walk out. I can’t tell you how satisfying that is.

If she’s at your house and starts in, ask her to leave until she can speak to you with basic courtesy and respect. Yes, she’ll get angry, but she’ll leave and as long as you keep your cool and don’t get emotional about it, she’ll come around. Just like a child would.

So if your mom makes another effort to make nice, let her! But the moment she veers from that, call her on it immediately and let her know that if she doesn’t stop, there will be consequences.

As long as you’re consistant and stick to your guns (figuratively, that is), it will get better.

44

Since he’s my dad too, Cervaise, I’ll add this: last time I heard anything about his attitude (through the grapevine), our father still is obsessing over us, complaining, blaming, and wasting his energy on us.

We have more power controlling him by ignoring him than he ever had. It’s an interesting situation.

45

I probably would be in the same situation if my mother hadn’t died when I was fourteen. She was not a very nice person; I always felt that she was annoyed by her first three kids, and the divorce made her give up on trying.

Sometimes these things take care of themselves. I hope you find the answer that’s best for you, faithfool.

46

I came to this thread late, so bear with me.

I stopped talking to my mother 13 years ago. I won’t go into the boring details, suffice to say she pulled some vicious and vindictive unnecessary bullshit during my parents’ divorce and I’d had it with her mind games. I wrote her a very nasty letter and that was the end of that. It was incredibly liberating and I felt like a ton of bricks had been lifted off my nect.

My sister, who is still in contact with her, seems to think I hate my mother. I don’t. As I explained to her, I’d have to care to hate her. I’ve decided my life is much better without her in my life, and I’ve never regretted the decision.

She will occassionally send me an e-mail, which I delete unopened and unread. I think she’s laboring under some delusion that I will eventually “come around.” Hardly.

I agree with Cervaise. If you’re going to let go, LET GO. I think your mother has proven she’s not sincere when she’s June Cleaver. You can’t pet an alligator and expect it to purr. Quit trying. If you want to write her a fuck-off letter, go ahead. If you just want to quietly disappear, that’s fine too. But life is too short to put up with crap, and for the sake of your mental health, clean house.

If you can’t change the people around you, change the people around you.

47

Wow, a Cervaise sibling! When did this happen? Welcome!

48

I am also a latecomer to this thread, so please parden my tardiness in responding. Reading through the what everyone has shared here has helped me tremendously. I’ve known that I’m not alone in my choice, and I’m sorry to see others have experiened pain similar to mine, but it’s nice to see that there is long term hope.

For the last two years I’ve experienced similar circumstances to the OP’s - including a bout of depression so severe that I was diagnosed bipolar and began medication. Shortly thereafter, a therapist helped me see that I wasn’t bipolar at all - that my breakdown came from continuing to have reasonable expectations from unreasonable people (my parents) and damaging myself by my inability to accept that they just weren’t capable of accepting responsibility for their actions, much less making amends for them. I left the medication behind and began working on healing myself.

In my situation, after a very nasty joint therapy session with my mother (which I taped - useful later in this post), I painfully cut all contact with her. **That was a year and a half ago and I can’t begin to describe the peace that enveloped my life. ** I was still talking to my father, until he said that each time we talked that my mother got extremely upset/cried, and eventually stopped communications with him. From that point on, I had no intention of interacting with them again.

A few days before this past Thanksgiving, my mother contacted my daughter (prenant, lives out of state) and tried her best to make my daughter “choose” between us by relating her twisted view of the situation. After my daughter called me, hysterical, I gave it some thought and confronted my mother (and father) with the truth as she had admitted to it on the (previously mentioned) tape and told her that she had made a grave tactical error in trying to come between me and my children. During this 4+ hour confrontation, every sin I’d ever committed was thrown into my face, 95% of which occurred during my teenage years (I’m 44 years old for crying out loud!). They also feel like the incorrect bipolar diagnosis was valid and because I’m “mentally ill” that they are justified in their assumption that there is nothing wrong with them, that it’s all in my head since I’m “sick”. Horrid, untrue, mean and vile things were also said to my husband, who’d gone with me for moral support. That was the last straw. **I haven’t spoken with them since and once again, my life is peaceful, calm and happy.
**

I cannot stress enough the need to take care of yourself first and foremost. In my situation, my mental health was seriously eroded to the point of a total meltdown. My inablilty to accept the truth of their limitations as parents (and people) drove me to a place I never want to go back to, and it sounds as though you’re struggling along the same lines. There is hope, there is help, and peace is available if you are willing to invest in yourself. Yes, you will be giving up the dream of having a healthy, wholesome relationship with your mother (which was almost like a mini-death to me), but the struggle is worth it.

The reality of a life without toxic people in your life is, for me, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I enjoy my life - it’s taken me a long time to be able to say that I am worthy of respect for who I am, what I believe, what I’ve done, and what I dream of doing. You deserve nothing less. It won’t always be easy, and if you’re anything like me occasionally you’ll second guess your decision, but the end result it worth it.

Peace be with you and everyone who has posted in this thread.

49

I’m pretty much worn out today, so I’ll be brief if I have to cement the damn keyboard together.

First, I’d like to say thank you again to everyone who’s posted, especially those who’ve come in after my last time. I wish I could address each of you personally, as I usually do, but I’m afraid it’ll all come out garbled and make me sound more spacey than normally. But I am grateful. This community has been a blessing.

Secondly, after talking this out with Frank, I’ll only be sharing a portion of what mom sent. So here goes, with proper attribution and a nod to Hallmark (I can’t believe she actually spent over $2.00!). Lessee, supposedly from Barbara Loots…

Life isn’t fair. That’s a hard thing to find out, but sooner or later, everyone does.

That’s the beginning. However, it goes on to say (paraphrased) that none of this now is my fault ( :rolleyes: ) and I don’t deserve it.

Somewhere in the middle, we have…

You simply have to live through it.

Then we have the encouragement (“you’ll rise above it”), my ‘good’ qualities (like “honesty, courage and caring” that make me such an ‘awesome’ person), and soon I’ll find the deeper meaning to this mess that’ll constitute a purpose in my life. I just can’t imagine.

Anyway, inside was the hand written “Nothing you can do or say will run me off!” business. And of course, love mom.

Context is everything. :rolleyes:

Now that’s caught everyone up to date again and I promise to get back on returning emails just as soon as possible. I really adore you guys and am grateful for all the help.

Hopefully, this was short enough for once.

50

It kinda happened when I was born. I’m told that’s typical. :smiley:

51

She’s the Boy Who Cried Wolf. Of course she won’t let you run her off, she enjoys using you as a punching bag, emotionally if not physically.

Remember, you have the power. You do not have to answer the phone if she calls. You do not have to read her mail or e-mail, you do not have to answer the door if she rings the bell. In fact, you could even call the police and have her removed from your property.

For the sake of your peace of mind, do WHATEVER you need to do to get healthy. That means jettisoning the baggage that’s holding you down.

Good luck. E-mail me if you need to.

Fish, I meant joining the board, silly. Welcome!

52

This is such a sad thread. :frowning: I hope everyone here finds what they’re looking for.

53

I know I did. I have my MIL and my step-mom. I haven’t missed anything. It’s really only sad when you try to hang on to something that isn’t supportive. It’s incredibly liberating when you let go…that gives you the opportunity to find something better to hang on to!

54

I was speaking more in the “big picture” sense. The fact that there are so many people whose basic parent/child relationship is in the toilet is very disturbing. Regardless of who dropped the ball (I know of at least one parent on the boards here who is very saddened by the way his relationship with one of his children has turned out), it’s contrary to everything that’s supposed to happen to people in our society. The crumbling of this parent/child relationship happens far more often than I could have guessed. I’m glad all of you were able to rid yourself of the pain, but the issue itself…parents and children becoming estranged…is very upsetting to me.

55

Well, look at it this way…those of us who no longer speak to a parent treat our own kidlets much much better. I know what to NOT do.

56

I think you’ve summed up my feelings exactly. The greatest gift my mother gave me was to show me how NOT to be a mother/grandmother.