DON’T! Please. Don’t. Believe any book rather than your own instincts and senses. You can read them as an FYI, but go with what you like and, as you get to know her, with what you find out she likes. I had a couple boyfriends who would rather listen to the book and that’s why they’re exes.
I am a woman (checks… yep, haven’t changed gender overnight or anything), I’m straight, and I have an allergy to 90% of the stuff that’s supposed to be romantic. I’m also mega-sensitive touch-wise, stuff that’s supposed to turn me on often hurts.
Being carried in your arms: feels like rape (it is a reenactment of rape, the rape of the Sabin women by the Romans). Informal polling indicates a large majority of Hispanic women hate it as well; every Italian who’s been questioned in the same poll did as well. We like to feel like our man’s equal, not like we’re being stolen and have serious problems understanding why they do it so much in movies.
Pink stuff and hearts: I’ve hated them since I was a babe in arms. Trying to put 3-yr-old me into anything pink has been described by my mother as “you would have needed all of Hannibal’s troops to pin her down, elephants and all, and then there would have been no space left to actually put the dress on.”
Slow music: falls asleep. I’ll take Metallica over Barry Manilow any day - and I still say this after a 2-year relationship with a guy who refused to listen to anything but Metallica.
Sorry, I realize I don’t fit the official mold. But I’m not the only one.
Forget all of this bullshit. If you love and desire the woman, put all of your love and tenderness into your actions. Love her, caress her, and enjoy commune with beauty and sex. That’s it.
Oh, absolutely. It’s hard to imagine anyone stupid enough to say: "What do you mean, you don’t like wet kisses and pink heart shaped boxes of candy with Valentine? It says here you’re supposed to like them! What’s wrong with you, girl? " Everyone is diferent and listening and noticing are key, as all posters upthread said.
But if you’re unsure where to start, like the OP says he is, it is nice to have a book pointing out some options. And when it comes to pointing out options, the book I listed is just one of the most concrete and informative around.
With the actual first kissing, pretend you’re taking the first bite of the sweetest, softest, most delicious and delicate dessert you’ve ever tasted. Except don’t use your teeth (not the first time anyway). I like to lead kisses, because if you’ve got to err it’s better to do so on the side of being assertive than passive. But definitely don’t jam your tongue down her throat…there’s a way of being aggressive in a playful, fun manner that doesn’t come off as creepnasty. It’s okay to let her make the move and kiss you first, but once she does you should try to lead. If she wants to be the boss of the kiss, let her fight for it, smooch you into submission and then take her liberties.
And I’ll offer some strategic advice: breath mints are your friends. Dating equipment should always include breath mints. Time to use: after eating, picking her up, dropping her off, walking her to her car, etc. Be unobtrusive, don’t pop the mint into your mouth while leering at her. Most girls are awful with the mint thing, in my experience, so be prepared to offer her one at some point or get ready to kiss a stankpit no matter how cute she is.
Also, when you start doing the kissing elsewhere (you have to breathe sometime), some girls inexplicably like to dab perfume on the side of their neck. There should be freakin’ rule on that, because there’s a high probability you’ll get a nice taste of chemical. If that happens to me I’ll usually just feed it right back to her (bon appetit!), but you should be nice the first time, just swallow and wipe your lips off.
Actually, informal polling indicates that 100% of Grossbottom’s Latina girlfriends have responded like the rest when scooped up: squeals of mock outrage, giggling, followed by cooing and possible hot monkey sex. The Italian vote was more indecisive, with only two samples: 1) the first, who bore a startling resemblance in appearance and mannerism to Christina Ricci’s Wednesday in the Addams Family movies, was about as scoopable as a flaming hedgehog; 2) the second was very agreeable except that she was a striking six feet tall and therefore unlikely to be carried around for very long by anyone. Poor thing.
Geez. If you have proper oral hygene your mouth will generally NOT be nasty. I’d be creeped out by a guy constanly popping mints, and if he offered ME one, well, how hot is it to be told “your mouth makes me think of an open sewer”? And mints do not correct bad breath, just make you taste like mint-and-rotten-teeth. Or mint-and-garlic, or mint-and-smoke, whatever you’re trying to cover. Guys, brush your teeth regularly, go to the dentist once in a while and you should be fine.
Where did I say to constantly eat the things or use them as an alternative to regular oral hygiene? A good meal and a couple bottles of wine will make anyone taste…interesting, what are you going to do?
“Excuse me, I have to go conduct my regular brushing and flossing routine in the bathroom because I think we might make out in the parking lot and I’ve chewed approximately a quarter pound of garlic in the past two hours. Could you get the check?”
A box of tic tacs costs fifty cents. No, it doesn’t cover everything, but it can make the situation better than it was. This is a win-win, and a basic bit of kissing etiquette that can benefit anyone.
I have to echo what other people have said - start slow and do NOT cram your tongue in her mouth. If you’re smootching and things are going well, you could try touching her lips with your tongue a little - not like you’re licking an icecream cone, more like you’re trying something you’re not sure if you’re going to like.
Also, remember the rest of her face. An informal poll among my lady friends indicates that a whole lot of them really love tiny little kisses feather over their face, particularly their eyelids, and not to many people do this.
Finally, if you really want to make her melt, try the old “cup her face in your hands” trick before you go in for a kiss. It doesn’t just work in movies! (Obviously not every gal will like these things, but they’re certainly worth trying.)
Finally, not to be indelecate, but assuming you meet a lady, and the kissing is going well and you think things might progress to the next level…
ahem. basically, starting now, when you’re masturbating, try to make it last as long as possible. Then when you’re in bed with a real, live girl, you’ll have a bit more control over yourself, if you know what I mean.
The ex was not at all aggressive. He wouldn’t take the lead. Eventually I just stopped attempting anything because I knew he’d take the ‘along for the ride, back seat role’ and I’d have to do all the work. Another on the list of reasons that it didn’t work.
I don’t like being picked up and carried because it’s too girly-romantic. All the ‘romantic’ crap is a turn off to me. Candles, soft music, candy, flowers, pink, etc? These are messages that tell me ‘this guy is going to get way too attached and you should run right now.’
You know, catsix, 15 years ago, I would have taken you to task for this, but now I actually agree with you. My wife is quite a bit like you. I used to go for the women who liked that sort of “romantic crap” because I felt that this was just the way the world was, but I’ve since learned the hard way that a lot of those women come complete with a matching set of very heavy emotional baggage.
My wife is and always has been pretty independent and practical–the result of growing up poor. She gets mad when I waste money on flowers and candy, and would much rather I spend the money on taking her to a nice Korean or Indian restaurant. I still buy her flowers on Valentines day, because that’s just what one does, but I’ve come around to her view of despising the frilly things.
My logic on it goes like this: that stuff features heavily in the fairy tale/romance novel kind of setting where all relationships lead to head-over-heels, die-without-you, marry-me-right-now kind of love, particularly if they involve any kind of sex.
Since I am not that kind of person, I see flowers/candy/cards/candles and especially jewelry as a sign that this dude is a believer in the fairy tale stuff or at least thinks I am and neither one of those is a recipe for success.
If a guy is the type who really has to do all that stuff, then he should be with a girl who really likes to get all that stuff.
Huh, I do that already (I hope that’s not TMI), not so much in anticipation of eventually having sex but because I like it better that way (most of the time).
