I was chatting with a co-worker last week, and she said “Well, you can’t get much more intimate than sex, can you”? I replied “Sex isn’t always intimate. Not by a long shot”. I mentioned one nighters, prostitutes, back seat humping, etc to make my point and she had to reluctantly agree, but I’m sure she’s trying to think of an out. 
So, promiscuous dopers, am I too cynical? Is a quick hump behing the bleachers “intimate”? A quick hand job in the back of the bus?
Don’t get me wrong. I used to love casual sex. Now I’m gettin’ old, and would usually rather have a cheeseburger. 
Peace,
mangeorge
I would have to agree that it’s not always intimate. It can be, in a big way, but it can also be just another thing. I don’t consider night stands or other casual sex intimate, by a long shot.
Although I wasn’t what you’d call promiscuous before I married (wait until I drag Drachillix in here, that veritable him-'ho slut puppy), I can say there were times when I was married to my first husband that sex wasn’t intimate. A one-nighter can be more infused with tenderness and warmth than some of the times I spent with my ex, the best that can be said was that it didn’t hurt. We didn’t share words or emotion, just fluids, so IMHO, sex isn’t the be-all and end-all of intimacy just because it’s sex, even with someone you’ve lived with for 12 years and are legally committed to anymore than it is with a stranger.
Happy ending: I’m not married to him anymore. No matter what happens, I’m not married to him.
Sex isn’t always intimate, no. I think that kissing can often be more intimate than sex. Think about what Julia Roberts’ character says in Pretty Woman: “I don’t kiss. It’s too personal.”
Ahh I wouldn’t look to Pretty Woman for any insight into the human condition.
Anything can be meaningless…and anything can be filled with meaning depending on the person and the situation. A gay man passionately kissing a woman/making love (for whatever reason) could be meaningless. Two people deeply in love can be intimate with a look across the room.
Generally however sex is about as physically close as two people can get and therefore is by it’s nature charged with more emotions and feelings of pleasure. So an on average look at intimacy would place sex as the most inmate act. That doesn’t mean it always is though.
I agree! Kissing, and the chase before the kill, involve intimacy – that feeling sometimes doesn’t continue to develop later, unfortunately. Intimacy is about letting your guard down, and trusting someone enough to risk having your heart broken.
Happy Valentine’s Day, by the way!
As Cyn says, sex as a physical act is no guarantee of intimacy, even where there has been intimacy in the past.
On the other hand, even casual sex can be a shortcut to intimacy at times, providing both partners are willing to share something more than their bodies. There are times when what first appears to be a one night stand can lead to a relationship because the intimacy of getting naked can cut through the whole long “getting to know you” process. There are other times when this intimacy is superficial, and doesn’t translate to anywhere outside the bedroom, even in a relationship.
I understand where the woman in the OP was coming from, though. We walk around in our daily life covering up our bodies, and part of sexual attraction is the desire to see, and touch and feel the other person’s body, and sex gives us licence to give in to those desires. Given the right circumstances, there is no surer way to someone’s soul than through their body.
I’ve had sex before that was merely the act of two bodies working on each other to reach a common conclusion. A good conclusion, mind, but not an intimate one.
At the same time, I remember the funeral of a very close family friend. There was a guy there that I hadn’t seen since I was a small child, and when he drew me into a hug during the service, we just stood there for what felt like a long time. I remembered everything I needed to about him. We held each other together because we felt very much like falling apart. I knew his scent and his breath and his heartbeat, and I could feel his state of mind as though it were my own. It was one of the most intimate hugs I’ve ever had in my life, more intimate than some of the sex acts I’ve done, more intimate than some of the relationships I’ve been in.
Some folks seem to think that intimate just means, “being close to another person.” Merely being physically close doesn’t qualify as intimate for me; I keep a more emotional definition in mind.
Other folks think that sex should always be intimate, therefore it is always intimate and can be nothing less.
There may even be a few folks out there for whom sex has always been intimate, but I can’t say I’ve ever met one.
Sex IS always intimate, if only because ‘intimate’ is defined that way.
in·ti·mate1 ( P ) Pronunciation Key (nt-mt)
adj.
Marked by close acquaintance, association, or familiarity.
Relating to or indicative of one’s deepest nature: intimate prayers.
Essential; innermost: the intimate structure of matter.
Marked by informality and privacy: an intimate nightclub.
Very personal; private: an intimate letter.
Of or involved in a sexual relationship
But we could, spooge, nitpick the term “sexual relationship” and say that sex as described above by Cyn is more an act than a relationship.
Intimacy is what you feel, and if you don’t feel it, it ain’t there imo.
Sex? Intimacy? The swinging 60s weren’t about intimacy, they were about the joy of sex, irrelevant of who your sex partner happened to be. Orgies are the same. Have you heard of “Glory holes”? It’s a hole carved into the wall of a toilet cubicle. One dude sticks his penis through the hole and another dude (or a chick sneaking into the men’s toilets) performs some sort of sexual act on the penis. About all you know about the other person is that they’re there. Sex and intimacy are not automatically related.
Sex WITH intimacy is a truly transcendant experience - there is absolutely nothing like it. That connection deep down at the molecular level is…well, deep.
Sex WITHOUT intimacy can be mindblowing, powerful, and a hell of alot of fun, but it still doesn’t quite stack up. “Sport fucking” is what my social friends call this.
Re: Kissing
From the glurge of Valentine’s Day-related stuff that has been filling my weekend papers, I can remember a report of a study that looked at couples who were separating and/or divorcing.
They report no difference in frequency of sex from ‘normal’ (control group) couples, but substantially less kissing.
Cheap sex bores me…I’d rather have a cheeseburger, or just take care of business myself…both are more intimate. If I’m going to have sex, I want it to be intense and worth the effort. I’ve felt very intimate with some women just by holding hands. I love it when people say “sex”…there is so many varying degrees of it.
Sometimes I think I’m getting old, then I realize I’ve just learned how do it right, and I appreciate quality alot more
Agreed,
I have had sexual encounters that I could not wait for the end of. And I’ve never had that experience with a cheeseburger.
Ah, you and DreadLead are just gettin’ old.
And I’ve had sexual encounters that I wished would never end. I can’t really say that about a cheeseburger.
Al’s Big Burger in Albany, CA comes close, though.
I think it differs for men and women. For women, sex can create emotions, especially false ones. Men usually have a much easier time keeping things on a f***buddy level. A man I dated for a few months had had a only those kind of relationships and one-night stands. He spoke with confusion about a girl who changed her mind and wanted to become serious. I had to explain to him how sex is a physically intimate thing and can cause emotions to appear out of no where.
But this guy didn’t have the first clue about emotions. He was very apathetic in all things except maybe in being cynical. After three months of serious dating, I asked him if he noticed a difference in sleeping with someone he was actually in a relationship with (I was the first).
Him: What do you mean?
Me: Well, you must feel some sort of emotion towards me.
Him: I’m very fond of you, if that’s what you mean.\
Just a case study… the sex was great, and there was intimacy of a sort there… but not on that deep molecular level.
Hello, my name is “Siege” or “CJ”. It’s nice to meet you. For me, sex with another person always has been intimate, but I have been prudish in the past and am still particular. Since that particularity has served me well, I see no need to change it.
I agree with what you said about intimacy not necessarily being physical. I used to say that my former fiance and I had been intimate in the back seat of a Honolulu city bus. We weren’t having sex, but the thoughts and feelings we shared were every bit as intimate and personal as anything we did with our bodies.
I’d say this is a “Your Mileage May Vary” type of question. For me, I’d prefer not to have sex without intimacy for both moral and practical reasons. On the other hand, I’ve got friends who do have regular fuck buddies.
CJ
:eek:
OK, I’m never going to a public bathroom again. Are you for real? Is this real?
So you’re just sitting on the Porcelain Throne one day when a dick comes through the wall. “Hey, how odd. Maybe I’ll just play with this thing since I’ve nothing better to do…” …you people are odd.
Oh, and to try and stay on topic: Sex is not always intimate. Hell, some of the best sex I’ve had was what someone here called “Sports Fucking” or even AngrySex. You can’t beat good AngrySex, especially when someone has been using sex ‘as a weapon’… “So who’s not putting out now, bitch?!?”
It has been my understanding that glory holes are not in restrooms, but in “houses of ill-repute” or such places, not your run of the mill restroom! Being a woman, I can’t say I know first hand, though.