The recent abstinence threads got me thinking about this again. There are women who consider oral sex as something special. While dating they will only go down on a guy they really dig. Or even after marriage it is something that is at an extra level of intimacy.
On the other side you have women who are very, very picky about who they sleep with but will give blowjobs almost casually.
Last time I conducted this poll with my lady friends it seemed to break down evenly. I assumed that with the continuing sexual revolution more women would be in the “picky about blowjobs category”. However, hearing all these stories about younger and younger girls giving oral sex to schoolmates, I am beginning to think I am wrong.
So that is the question. Which do you consider more intimate? And how big a part did your upbringing play?
I can only speak for my twisted upbringing and a certain group of friends I happen to hang out with.
BJs are handed out fairly indiscriminately. Head is received joyfully and also indiscriminately.
Straight-up-sex is kept firmly out-of-reach unless the individual is Really Serious, About to Marry, Engaged or Wed-Till-Death-Do-They-Part.*
*Except for when I was at McGill and a certain group of my friends (Middle Eastern) managed to rationalise anal sex while not giving up the hymen.
In a way the results of this pattern of behavior end up as somewhat amusing-most have entertained over two hand’s worth of men in bed while keeping actual numbers to a bare minimum-zero.
For the record: in many cases it seems to be an odd combination of Machiavellian dating tactics, fear of pregnancy/disease and a raging Madonna-Whore complex.
I only have sex with guys I really, really like, but I’ll give head to guys I really like. My justification is this, I can’t get pregnant through giving head. As for which is more sexual intimate, it depends more on how the act is done than the act itself, IMHO.
I’m 37, so I can hardly speak about the views of the “younger” crowd, and giving blow jobs are certainly not a topic my friends and I discuss on a general level, however, I can speak for myself.
There was a point in my life when I treated it all rather casually (however, not as casually as I’ve heard some). This isn’t to say I “slept around” and I certainly wasn’t into one night stands, but did practice serial monogomy and could still list all my sexual partners. (There are many out there who couldn’t do that.)
My practices changed when I experienced health related difficulties as a result. It was an eye opening experience and scared me half to death. It certainly acted as a wake up call. That was about five years ago, and since then I’ve practiced celibacy–not by choice exactally, but simply by becoming much more picky about those with whom I’m sexually intimate. I’ve finally found someone who I would consider becoming sexually intimate, however, our relationship hasn’t progressed to that point.
That being said, I think giving a blow job can be an extremely powerful position for the person giving it. Think about it–the giver has the power to make the other person climax (or not), at the pace and leisure (or not) of the giver. I’ve been known to have a man grasping on the edge of his sanity, hanging on every single motion I make, literally begging. Ah, the power of power.
Vaginal sex…well, there’s nothing quite like a man eager to please…
I think of blowjobs and vaginal sex as equal, but neither is necessarily intimate. Sometimes it’s just screwing around, ya know? It’s rare for me to give a blowjob to a one-night-stand, bu that’s just because there’s usually less chance it’ll be reciprocated. In general, I’m as likely to give a blowjob as I am to have sex (my preference is to do one and then the other, but sometimes physical limitations interfere ).
I think that most women who treat blowjobs as something “special” just don’t enjoy giving them. So they save them for guys they really, really like, as a gift of sorts. And it makes sense that if a woman didn’t like giving blowjobs before she got married, she still won’t like giving them after she’s married, and it becomes one of those “I have the guy, so thank og I don’t have to do that anymore” things.
Regarding the power thing, I don’t get off on that (at least, I don’t think I do!). A guy friend asked me about that a few years ago, when we got to talking frankly about sex and I told him that I genuinely enjoy giving blowjobs. It’s more about appreciation of the male anatomy, and enjoying giving my partner pleasure. I often wish there were a way I could see the guy’s face while it’s happening.
As for the upbringing part, I don’t see any connection. It’s not like mom ever took me aside and talked about this stuff…in fact, I was more experienced than her by the time I finished college. My morals/religious views have never affected my sexuality, and during my “coming of age” years I wasn’t ever embarrassed or afraid to be openly curious. I think it helps that I had a significantly older sex partner when I was in my early 20s; I learned a lot from him, and to this day any man I sleep with owes him a small debt of gratitude.
I think this is the most blunt I’ve ever been on the SDMB… :eek:
Not able to do the casual sex thing. I found this out the hard way - where my body goes, my heart follows. Therefore, sex is very intimate for me, whether it is oral or vaginal. By the time I trust you enough to let you touch my body, where you touch me or with what becomes simply a variation on the theme. But oh, what a theme!
I know you said women only but I feel left out and would like to offer a sensible man’s opinion.
You can start ignoring me now.
I find giving a woman head so much more intimate than vaginal sex. So much more care and technique can go into giving head and that IMHO makes it more special. But from what my girl friends (not girlfriends) have told me, vaginal sex is more…sacred for lack of a better word.
Ok, I’m finished ladies. You can now resume your girly chat.
I think the intimacy lies in the emotions behind the act, not the act itself. While I am one of those (seemingly rare, but not as rare as men think) women who enjoys going down, I’ve developed a rule over the years.
It is the Rule of Reciprocation. nod I’m somewhat picky with my partners, and odds are good that if I like you enough to get into bed, I like you enough to run the gamut of my sexual techniques. But any partner gets only one (1) free. You don’t pay me back, I’m not going to do it again.
I never give head outside of serious relationships, I give them to my fiance, but before him even my serious relationship partners didn’t get them often.
I have, however, had many affairs and partners who I felt ok about having sex with but would never even think to give head. For me, it’s very intimate and I have to really trust someone before I’ll put myself in that situation.
Thanks to all the ladies for chiming in, and thanks in advance to anyone else who weighs in. Even with the anonymity of the Internet, I know it’s tough to put yourself out there.
I guess I muddied the water with upbringing, but my theory is that girls who are taught their vagina (sounds so damn clinical) is the holiest of holies and should be defended like sexual Missile Command, are the ones most likely to be casual about oral sex.
I just find it facinating how women rank sexual intimacies. If I like and trust you, we can have sex. If I really like and trust you, I’ll go down on you. If I super like and trust you, I might consider anal. If I love you and trust you, I’ll let you tie me up.
Vaginal sex is more intimate. For one, he’s inside you. I mean, he’s inside a part of your body that is more intimate than your mouth, he’s inside your most intimate place. Also, in many or most positions, you’re looking into each other’s eyes, and kissing, and smiling, and laughing, maybe even talking. And, both of you are gaining physical pleasure from it. I like giving blow jobs, but I don’t really get any physical pleasure from them. With vaginal sex, both partners are experiencing the same physical pleasure.
