Sex problems in marriage

[wonky]

@eleanorigby

Let me use another example to make my point. Women have for years been told (and described) by doctors that their heart attack symptoms present atypically. That is, females tend to NOT have pain down the left arm, crushing chest pain etc. That’s all well and good and it’s true. But here’s the thing: if half the population doesn’t present symptoms in the standard way, that’s too large a group to be considered a subset of the other group. What is the case is that while both genders suffer from heart attacks, the symptoms are not the same for both groups. One is not “atypical” of the other.

That reminds me of a story I heard on the radio. They were discussing some vascular issue, I don’t remember the name of it, but at the end they said that X was true except for women and people of African descent.

The male is so often seen as the default, and so often it’s the white male at that, that it’s easy to say there’s something wrong with her rather than there’s something wrong with him. But that’s why I was talking about the way some women’s sex drives work. IF a woman wants to have more drive for sex, she may have to go about things differently rather than expecting to have a stereotypical male response. Lots and LOTS of women aren’t instantly horny. They have to make an effort. If we pooh-pooh “making an effort,” we’re pooh-poohing many women’s sexual reality. Just as women can’t usually orgasm as quickly as men, many women need to approach the sexual life they want to lead from a different perspective rather than “I am just like a man only with a uterus.”

I’ve got nothing to say about women who really just don’t want to have sex. I’m talking about women who like it once they get going but have trouble getting going in the first place.

[scootergirl]

@Icerigger

Such a contrast. I read these threads to try and understand female sexuality, there seems to be such a huge swing in desire and attitude among women. I as a male could never enjoy sex with a woman who was just doing it to make me happy, I can’t think of anything more depressing.

Yep, quite the contrast between her and I indeed Icerigger. But, like someone pointed out, “we are all individuals.”

[eleanorigby]

@jsgoddess

The male is so often seen as the default, and so often it’s the white male at that, that it’s easy to say there’s something wrong with her rather than there’s something wrong with him. But that’s why I was talking about the way some women’s sex drives work. IF a woman wants to have more drive for sex, she may have to go about things differently rather than expecting to have a stereotypical male response. Lots and LOTS of women aren’t instantly horny. They have to make an effort. If we pooh-pooh “making an effort,” we’re pooh-poohing many women’s sexual reality. Just as women can’t usually orgasm as quickly as men, many women need to approach the sexual life they want to lead from a different perspective rather than “I am just like a man only with a uterus.”

I think we are probably saying close to the same thing, but we are looking at slightly different aspects of this very knotty issue. I don’t like to see low libido pathologized, like normal grief after a loss or episodic sadness is now depression and requires meds. IANAD or a psychiatrist and this is all just my opinion. I am not just speaking of women (or men) who have no interest in sex. Someone having a lower libido than someone else is NOT abnormal; it’s normal. I know you haven’t said that it was abnormal. I hope you don’t think I was poo-pooing making an effort (on the part of the woman). My point (one of them) is that the decision to pursue arousal/ desire must be the woman’s (or the lower libido’ed partner’s) choice. And I agree with you that a different tack may be needed, probably as many different tacks as there are women.

I’ve got nothing to say about women who really just don’t want to have sex. I’m talking about women who like it once they get going but have trouble getting going in the first place.

Well, I think we can safely say that whatever seems to be commonly done isn’t working. Maybe it’s a case where the woman truly does not know what she wants. Maybe this aversion to getting started masks another issue in the relationship. Maybe her more demanding partner should just cut her some slack for a bit. There are as many solutions as there are shades to the issue. But for me, being told that I should give in and just have sex, sans desire, to please my partner will not work (did not work). That way breeds resentment and distance in my experience. Someone else may have a very different experience.