I have a question about gay men in long-term relationships. I take it some gay men are predominately tops and others are predominately bottoms. I imagine that it also happens that two gay men meet each other, hit it off, and then discover that although they really like each other, they are both tops or both bottoms. How do such relationships work? Do they just regretfully say, “It was not meant to be” and move on? Or do they tough it out somehow? It would clearly suck to fall in love with someone with whom you were sexually incompatible. How big of a problem is sexual incompatibility in the gay community, and how is it handled? There doesn’t really seem to be an analogous problem in the straight community, so I am curious how this is dealt with.
I’m not interested in long-term relationships with men, but I have occasionally had sex with men. When it got to the point that we discovered we both desired the same role, it was pretty much an “Oh. Oh well.” moment, and that was the end of it.
But then, that was purely about the sex so it wasn’t a big deal. I imagine those who are actually interested in real “relationships” with the same sex are more adaptable, as panache45 suggests in this post.
Really? Gee, I must have been the only one who had a bf who didn’t want to let her on top. Perhaps my brother is the only one whose wife needed detailed explanations from her MiL and SiL before she understood the concept of “doggie style” (which by the way works a lot better for women with an inverted uterus, like her) - any attempts from him to get out of the missionary position were met with horror and with suspicion of pr0n.
I’ve heard of other examples. Many times they came down to “with that guy, once and no more.”
My experience is that sexual compatibility is explored much sooner in gay relationships than in straight ones - often on the first or second meeting. Sometimes the topic is discussed before meeting. I guess I’m suggesting that gay relationships are based on a foundation of sexual compatibility and the feelings and other substance grow from that foundation.
We will need a representative of the straight community to elaborate but suspect that straight relationships are much more likely to have the elaborate courtship ritual (running the bases, so to speak) stretched out over a period of weeks or months. Their foundations require that feelings take root first and sexual compatibility is probably taken as read “one size fits all”. Then they get married two years later and the guy has to go and ruin everything by wanting to do it “doggie style”. 
Another thing to remember is that “top” and “bottom” generally only apply to anal sex, and not all gay men ever or often have anal sex, porn notwithstanding. If they’re anally incompatible, they are almost certainly still orally or manually compatible.
I’ll admit that there is a very strong tradition of situational humor in the gay community when two well-known bottoms or tops start scoping each other out without knowing that the other is also a bottom or top. You haven’t heard snide remarks until you’ve listened to a group of friends at the bar ragging on a member of the group who’s fallen madly in lust with some twink up the bar when the other friends know the twink is also a bottom…
This sounds like a lady I knew in grad school who bemoaned her husbands “Lack Of Imagination.” She didn’t go into details but apparently every time was like every other time.
I’m lucky to be in a 19.5-year relationship in which we’re 100% compatible sexually, but before we met it was often difficult to find a relationship-worthy partner.
There’s one specific sexual act that I *must *have, otherwise there’s major frustration. And it was never difficult to find someone to satisfy that one need. But there were many, many other things that I also enjoyed, though they were not necessary. And there were also many things that I did not enjoy but was willing to do for someone I really cared about. And then there were things that I Just. Don’t. Do. Anyone who *needed *one of those things was SOL.
So what this means is that you’ve got your priorities, and hopefully find someone who’s compatible in the important things, and negotiate the rest. Obviously it’s all about communication.
I’ve seen a number of potential relationships dissolve because of this exact issue. It would be a dealbreaker for me because there is only one of the two roles that I enjoy.
I’ve also seen a lot of successful relationships where this particular incompatibility existed and they found various ways around it. Some would just skip the anal altogether, some would have an open relationship.
It really just depends on the two guys involved.
What’s a twink? I think I can guess from the word roughly what it means (smallish guy?), but I bet there’s more to it than that…
Typically late teens-early 20’s guy, thin, tends to more flamboyant acting. I always assume they are bottoms until informed otherwise.
To me, a twink is the “bearly legal” equivalent to the teen bimbo airhead of the straight world. Urban dictionary offers:
a) Twink comes from an acronym T.W.I.N.K. “Teenage, White, Into No Kink.”
b) Twink is a shortening of the name for the famous “TWINKIE” snack cake: a tasty, cream-filled snack with no nutritional value. The phallic shape of the “TWINKIE” snack cake should not escape the reader’s attention.
I’m straight and I haven’t found that to be the case at all. In almost every relationship I’ve been in we discussed sex before we started dating. If you put two (and only two) adults in a room together and there is mutual attraction, the conversation is going to turn to sex soon enough. In most cases I knew a woman’s sexual likes and dislikes before asking her out.
In fact the term used to be “twinkie.” A young guy who’s cute and sweet, but lacking in substance.
Bullshit.
I agree. It’s not an acronym and never was.
could be a Backronym… I always thought of twinks as the gay male equivalent of bimbo, a young skinny pretty pretty thing, usually blonde or bleached, not terribly bright, flirty, sometimes flamboyant and other times just outgoing, up for a good time but not much else.
back to the OP… it all goes to communication. and it’s not limited to the “top”/“bottom” issue altho that’s the most popularly divisive one. there are lots of preferences in the sexual arena, or even just the dating arena. I, for example, wouldn’t date a smoker. any label you put on your self or others, or preference you subscribe to for yourself or others can be a factor in a relationship. you have to know what you need, what you can’t stand, and what you are flexible on and communicate that, the sooner the better.
gay men “tend” to enter a sexual phase sooner than straight couples, altho this isn’t as true as it used to be. and lots of gay personal/hook up websites will let you make your labels and preferences known so people won’t bother contacting you if they aren’t compatible. gay men and probably straight couples who put off sex until later in the relationship “tend” to more flexible with their sexual needs.
there are of course, people who don’t feel comfortable talking about their sexuality (or their needs/feelings in general), and they either need to be more flexible, or learn how not to be dissapointed when things don’t work out for them…
Really? Where the hell have I been?
Stuck in the 1950’s, obviously.
There is/was a ‘hankie code’, where people wore hankies of various colors in either their left or right back pants pocket, to indicate what specific sex activities they preferred. Like a light blue handkerchief in the left pocket meant you wanted your cock sucked, while in the right back pocket indicated you wanted to suck a cock. See here for an example.
Of course, this got ridiculously elaborate, to the point where you needed a scorecard to keep track of all the variations of colors. Some of the combinations seem rather a joke, actually.
And most gay bars are so poorly lit it’s really hard to distinguish the colors accurately anyway. Distinguishing between line green, kelly green, & hunter green from across the room in a bar seems pretty unreliable. But I guess any information is helpful.
I would say that the hankie code nowadays is seen more as a campy gimmick than a serious effort at that sort of labeling. The only places I’ve seen it actually in use were at M.A.L. (Mid-Atlantic Leather) in a sincere fashion and at various “Hankie Nights” at various bars in a gimmicky camp fashion. So it looks like the leather community is the only place it’s actually used seriously anymore.