Might I suggest castration? Your friend is in a position of trust and power over (legality be damed) a very young and naive girl. Getting sexually aggressive merits a ending to the friendship and BTW a good horsewhipping for an encore.
I would say a good chance she has not been abused, rather the sexual siggestions he has been making have confused her.
I agree. The daughter is most certainly a victim of some type of child abuse. I’d bet my house on it.
The mother seems like a fucking idiot TBH. Being away from your daughter, who is struggling mentally, and leaving her within grasp of your perverted friend, is fucked up.
And as for your mate, all I can say is, going from the father figure of a little girl to wanking over her is messed up.
Run far, far away from this train wreck of a family.
[QUOTE=Dogzilla]
It looks to me like it’s gonna end ugly, but the step-daughter is an adult.
[/QUOTE]
I honestly, really couldn’t possibly be more biased about this situation, so indeed, take my input with a giant grain of salt…
She may be an adult now, but because he is her father figure, it’s unlikely there is an equal power dynamic between them, especially considering she is dependent on him for alcohol and weed.
My stepfather (who was my legal adopted father and also came into my life when I was 10) did take an unhealthy interest in me and he did cross the line into abuse when I was still a preteen/teen, and yet, even as an adult, even after coming to terms with the enormity of his betrayal, I still struggled for years with setting boundaries. Even though he was obviously still interested in me I allowed my family to pressure me into continuing a relationship with him until I was 22. I no longer allowed myself to be abused but I allowed him to isolate me and sweet talk me and make me feel uncomfortable and the old dynamics started right back up again, right down to my Mom flipping out in jealous rage. It was like being 13 all over again.
He has been out of my life permanently for five years now, but reaching that place is a painful journey akin to experiencing a death, and it doesn’t happen overnight.
So expecting this 20 year old already emotionally and behaviorally compromised girl to step up and do the right thing to protect herself… I’m not seeing it. Her behavior can’t be controlled, but she should be protected in every way possible. And even if he never touched her I still feel that way. When your Dad is into you that way, you just know, and it fucks you up.
Winston Smith, I am sorry for all you are going through, but I commend your willingness to face your friend’s behavior honestly. By all accounts my Stepdad was a great friend and a good businessman, a real stand-up guy. People often have a hard time reconciling that image with sleaziness, and so they instead choose to look the other way. That you aren’t doing that means the world to people like me.
In addition, it’s almost a certainty that the mother (his girlfriend) was herself abused when she was younger, which is why she would seek out the type of guys who would go on to abuse her daughter. It’s eerie and depressing how cyclical these patterns of abuse are, where abused women seek out abusive guys who abuse their kids who later seek out abusive guys, etc.
So it wasn’t enough for this douche of a guy to be a complete and utter fuck-up as a dad, now he wants to put icing on the cake by making her his sex toy?
Forget a restraining order, he needs to be hit in the nuts multiple times with a hammer.
Winston Smith, you have a tough choice ahead of you. You have given what seems to be wise counsel thus far, and given the support a friend could expect. Now you run the risk of either standing firm and letting him grab on to you for support if he so decides, or trying to follow him into the maelstrom and possibly going down with him. Either way you risk your friendship, but one path is more likely to lead you to a place where you can stand to look at yourself in the mirror in the morning.
I’m going to pass on commenting on what your friend should do, or about the daughter and mom. There’s been more than enough speculation there. If they were here, I’d address them, but they’re not, you are. You need to stop and think about what this person means to you, and what lengths you’re willing to go to on their behalf. There are some friends you bury a hooker with, and there are some you don’t.
You need to decide if this person is someone you’d restructure your life around, because the path he’s on he’s going to need a friend. Whether that friend stands back and throws lifelines, or if that friend gets in there with a shovel, that’s up to you. Best of luck in whatever path you choose.
Steven
The mother of this girl is the real prize. So her daughter is going off the rails, and her response is to leave home?
Look, this guy doesn’t have a “girlfriend”, he has a woman he sometimes has sex with, when she’s around. But he isn’t interested in this woman, he’s interested in a younger woman, who just happens to live with him, and just happens to be the daughter of the woman he sometimes has sex with, and who just happens to be a screwed up trainwreck.
The answer is that of course this situation won’t end happily. And why would he “get kicked out of the house”? It’s HIS HOUSE. His “girlfriend” doesn’t live there. Or does she own the house?
She owns the house
Indeed.
Gee, I don’t know, it worked out pretty well for Woody Allen. Of course he was a lot older so the extra experience probably helped him get it to work out.
Seriously though… ewwwewwwewwww… (insert pukey smiley)
There is no way this ends well without either the daughter or the friend removing themselves from the situation.
ditto on all the abuse flags. I don’t know what to do, but doing nothing would not be an option for me.
I wonder if the mother actually said this.
You only have his assurances of this, and he is not unbiased.
The situation is sad and sick and can only get worse. 
Winston Smith, it wouldn’t surprise me if your friend had also been abused as a child. If you want to take one more shot at reaching him, maybe that’s a tack to take. Point out that if he went through some awful abuse as a child, he should be able to understand the chaos and betrayal that his step-daughter is presumably feeling now, and shouldn’t want to perpetuate that cycle.
This is exactly what I thought when I read that.
I can’t believe this guy would up and admit this to the OP. If one of my friends ever said they were planning on fucking their step daughter, he’d probably get his ass kicked, then roundly shunned. Sure, I guess this isn’t conducive to us all sharing our innermost, darkest feelings, but nobody has fucked their step daughter yet. . . so, I’ll call it a success.
I honestly, really couldn’t possibly be more biased about this situation, so indeed, take my input with a giant grain of salt…
She may be an adult now, but because he is her father figure, it’s unlikely there is an equal power dynamic between them, especially considering she is dependent on him for alcohol and weed.
My stepfather (who was my legal adopted father and also came into my life when I was 10) did take an unhealthy interest in me and he did cross the line into abuse when I was still a preteen/teen, and yet, even as an adult, even after coming to terms with the enormity of his betrayal, I still struggled for years with setting boundaries. Even though he was obviously still interested in me I allowed my family to pressure me into continuing a relationship with him until I was 22. I no longer allowed myself to be abused but I allowed him to isolate me and sweet talk me and make me feel uncomfortable and the old dynamics started right back up again, right down to my Mom flipping out in jealous rage. It was like being 13 all over again.
He has been out of my life permanently for five years now, but reaching that place is a painful journey akin to experiencing a death, and it doesn’t happen overnight.
So expecting this 20 year old already emotionally and behaviorally compromised girl to step up and do the right thing to protect herself… I’m not seeing it. Her behavior can’t be controlled, but she should be protected in every way possible. And even if he never touched her I still feel that way. When your Dad is into you that way, you just know, and it fucks you up.
Winston Smith, I am sorry for all you are going through, but I commend your willingness to face your friend’s behavior honestly. By all accounts my Stepdad was a great friend and a good businessman, a real stand-up guy. People often have a hard time reconciling that image with sleaziness, and so they instead choose to look the other way. That you aren’t doing that means the world to people like me.
[/QUOTE]
No, actually, I’m right there with ya. I’ve been through a very similar experience (When I was 15, I was abused by my 30-year-old stepbrother) and I couldn’t agree more with your entire post. But this is someone *else’*s family and I just don’t think there’s fuck-all that can be done by the OP. He has two choices that I can see: 1) Dip out and drop the friendship. 2) Watch the train wreck slowly unfold.
My point in pointing out that she is an adult is that he can’t call Child Protective Services. She is at the age of consent, so he can’t even really call the police, unless she decides she hasn’t consented. She is clearly in no state to be able to reasonably consent, from where you and I sit, but legally, she can. Unless the OP can prove that this guy crossed the line before the daughter reached the age of consent and the statute of limitations has not expired… There really isn’t any legal recourse, right?
Nevermind how fucked up this girl is and will continue to be, tragically. We can’t fix that on this message board either. Sorry if my previous posts came off as callous. I’m actually being a little bit cold about it to avoid triggering while I’m at work.
Holy crap, I <3 you.
To the OP, I would drop this friend in a HEARTBEAT. I would then make every attempt to contact his step-daughter and tell her what you know. See if you can’t make some calls and find somewhere for her to go since I *highly *doubt she’s going to want to stay in the Aristocrats house after you spill your guts. Blech.
And regardless of what this man said his girlfriend implied about the situation, I’d contact her anyway. I get the feeling that he hasn’t been entirely truthful about her stance.
Man, it sucks that this girls dad is gone. Does she have any other trusted family members that you might be able to contact on her behalf? Twenty, while legally old enough to be considered an adult, is FAR too young to have to deal with this psycho.
And I’m not advocating violence but if anyone needed a good junk punch, it’s this guy.
This man is in a position where he needs people he respects (you, hopefully) to firmly and clearly tell him that what he is doing is wrong. You said you have tried to talk to him before, I would do a final conversation and then be done with him until he changes his behavior or gets help. I would compare it to an intervention I guess.
I have been in a situation where a friend was out of control, and I do understand the difficulty of wanting to help/be a friend to someone, and not wanting to enable their behavior. It is really hard, and to watch someone crash and burn is awful. The only advice I can give you it just to tell him, straight-up, “I do not agree with what you are doing, I think it is wrong, I cannot be your friend while you continue this behavior, but if you get help I will walk through this” or some such (depending on whether you just want to walk away entirely, or not.) He is justifying his own behavior and needs people telling him the truth, even though he probably won’t listen to you, at least at first. Be prepared for him to withdraw from you or get angry with you. But be clear about the conditions under which you will support him (it might help to write something out beforehand.)
One benefit from having this kind of discussion is it gives you some peace for yourself. You know you made your intentions clear, and it gives you a place to be - you don’t have to get dragged along into all his shit but you are willing to be part of his life when he gets it together (if you are.) I was so anxious about my friend all the time it was a relief for me to just have out with it and draw the boundaries. Your own life can get horribly affected by a friend acting out.
The other alternative here is to talk to the girl yourself. I do not know if she knows you or would talk to you but it might give you a better idea of what is really happening. She might need an advocate.
I’m not really a fan of moral absolutism, and I try not to judge people too harshly for their shortcomings, but don’t misinterpret that as some sort of defense of this guys actions. I don’t know that he’s been truthful with me, but despite his numerous failings, I’ve always known him to be an honest man.
And as far as kicking him to the curb goes, it’s really not that easy. I’ve known the guy since we were kids. I’ve been friends with him for over 30 years, and we’ve never once had an argument, falling out, or even cross words between us. He was best man at my wedding.
He’s a good man, that has gone wrong somehow, for some reason I can’t fathom, and I’d be doing him wrong if I just kicked him in the balls and walked away. I’d agree there’s a lot of people out there that don’t deserve the benefit of the doubt, but this guy does.
Hell, advise him to tell the girlfriend he wants the 3-way with her and her daughter! That gets you off the hook, let’s the girlfriend and the daughter know what’s up in his head and the whole thing is then up to the three of them to figure out. If you do this, will you please let me know when the Springer episode is going to air?
later, Tom.
Disclaimer:
Yes, it’s a flippant answer, but a possibility.
No, I really do think it’s a messed up situation and feel for the daughter most of all.
And yes, I think as a friend you’re in over your head and it could go bad for you. Run.
I respect where you’re coming from here, but there must come a point where you cannot overlook someone’s behavior. If he just wanted to start partying with barely legal women or picked up a bit of a coke habit, I would be right behind you in eschewing moral absolutism. The fact is that he’s trying to victimize an unstable young woman whom he RAISED. Beyond the pale, that.
I second Velma’s idea for an intervention of sorts. You can advise that you care about him and want him to do the right thing, but standing idly by while he throws this girl’s life into an even more nauseating tailspin is not a situation that I would choose for you. You honestly seem to have a better moral compass than that.
And to be honest, if it weren’t for the drug abuse, bulemia, etc. I might just shrug this off and think, “What a dick of a stepdad.” and leave it at that. The fact that this girl is so unquestionably unstable and he has been her guardian for all of these many years makes him an abuser for pursuing her, IMO.