I understand giving an old friend the benefit of the doubt. And I understand not turning your back on someone you have known for a long time. But just be careful. People can change. I experienced this first hand with my best friend and maid-of honor. Someone can be someone to you for half your life, and then be something totally different for the rest.
My advice is to give him the best guidance you can. Be blatantly frank with him about how you feel and how the scenario disgusts you. But when, because honestly it doesnt sound like an ‘if’… WHEN this blows up, you should distance yourself.
Sometimes, I’m afraid, there is no “resolved.”
Sorry, but I don’t see this ever having a pat resolution, or even being solved to so much as one single person’s satisfaction.
(Also, if he helped raise this girl, he has a lot of responsibility re: her current fucked-upedness. Which he is now using to his advantage. Thus raising his own fucked-upedness. And 'round and 'round it goes.)
I agree. The fact is… I find that this guy is acting inexcusably morally corrupt. And to me, unless he suddenly snaps out of it and says, “Oh my god, what the hell am I doing”, it stays as an inexcusable offense in my friendship book. I, personally, would not want this person in my life going forward.
Except Woody never lived w/ Soon Yi and never took part in raising her. He dated her mother but they lived in separate homes. He ever a father figure to her.
As to the OP - you really can’t be this guy’s friend, knowing what you know.
I’m with the crowd that thinks he’s already crossed some pretty big lines with her already, even if he hasn’t actually had sex with her. No doubt there have been some Oops-I-didn’t-know-you-were-undressing-in-here “misunderstandings” and it wouldn’t surprise me in the least if he had some hidden cams in her room or bathroom to spy on her.
Get rid of this scumbag and find a way to ruin this for him. Don’t just throw up your hands saying “I guess he’s ignoring my advice, oh well…” and actually actively find a way to ruin it, either by telling other friends/family/or whatever.
Yes, she’s an adult but that doesn’t really make it any less fucked up.
It is so easy to read a post on a message board and say “Yuck! Kick that loser out of your life!”, and yet real life is never that simple. Even when you know a friend is wrong, utterly wrong, disgustingly wrong… even then, a friendship that has lasted a lifetime takes time to die. I’m so sorry that you’re in this position; both in learning that the man who has been so much to you for so long has become someone not worthy of your friendship and respect, and also sorry that you have to deal with the inevitable grief and sorrow that the death of this friendship will bring. It isn’t easy to walk away even when you know it is time.
It would be nice if there was a neat, helpful *something *you could do to help, but these adults are hellbent on their own destruction. Maybe telling him why you can’t be a part of his life any more will be a wakeup call for him. More likely the three of them are committed to crashing and burning and in the aftermath… if there’s remorse, maybe there will be a time when you can be his friend again. Whatever happens, good luck to you and to them.
Tell your friend that you want to fuck the girl.*
Assuming he’s horrified by this suggestion, you can then say, “Now do you see how ridiculous and creepy it is that you want to?”
But if he’s OK with the idea, then you’ll know without a doubt that he’s beyond any help you can give.
*I’m not going to use the term “step-daughter” because she’s not. She’s his girlfriend’s kid. Not that he isn’t still being a creep.
He wants a relationship with a promiscuous druggy with other issues… this is not a good thing. He definitely took a wrong turn somewhere.
I would have to walk away from the friendship if he pursued her.
I am not in your shoes, obviously.
I think approaching this girl would not change anything for your friend and might get you involved in a violatile situation. She can’t be thinking clearly and could easily make wild accusations against you, involving the police, again.
All I recommend is, do not let him involve you to the point that you end up in jail, etc.
God, that poor girl. Whatever happens, I hope it’s the least horrible scenario for her.
I very, very much doubt your friend gives a shit given his behavior and intentions, but you might try giving him a verbal slap upside the head/wake up call of what this must be like from her point of view and to try to get him to encourage her to some counseling or something.
:dubious: It doesn’t make sense to me that she would object to a flirtatious comment but be okay with him acting on his urges. Huh?
If I were you, I’d just simultaneously inform the brother, mother, and daughter about his comments. You don’t have to be judgmental of him. Just lay out his quotes and say “I am concerned about what would make him say things like this and I wanted you to be aware of the situation”. No mentally healthy man would be thinking this way about a girl he had helped raise from childhood. This does not sound like something where you can just “talk him out of it” - just like you can’t expect to “talk someone out of” pedophilia. He probably needs professional help.
The daughter may be a grown woman, but even grown women can be raped or coerced into sex. How would you feel if it comes out later that he raped her and you didn’t do anything to try to stop it?
I would also agree with those who feel that even in the best of circumstances 20 year olds are not really all that mature. A 20 year old from what sounds like a very dysfunctional family is probably not emotionally mature and healthy enough to protect herself from a predator.
This girl has probably been through a lot. A parent’s death is traumatic enough to screw up a child all by itself. Add on top of that all the other weirdness (mom not being around, stepfather acting creepy and possibly molesting her) and it is no wonder she is acting out so badly. I think the compassionate and right thing to do is to try to prevent things from getting any worse for her.
Wheelz, she IS his step-daughter - being ‘his girlfriend’s kid’… It’s been a 10 year de facto relationship - waddya want, a marriage certificate?
The earlier suggestion (sorry, I don’t have the quote) Winston Smith about telling the mother that your mental friend wants a 3-way with her and the daughter is beyond bizarre and for you to comment that you think this isn’t a bad idea I can only HOPE was sarcastic.
You **know **all this stuff, and yet…this guy is your friend…? I don’t care that you’ve known each other since you were kids and that he was the best man at your wedding. Friendship is not a life-long pact no matter what you do - it survives because there remains common ground, and aligned values.
This is The Psycho Circus and you cannot, and will not ever be the Ringmaster.
If you really want to help, finish the friendship. That way you’re helping the only person beyond help - you.
If you want to stick around I can’t help but think you’re just a weirdo voyeur who wants to know about the 40th birthday present.
Speaking of, if the Op hasn’t ever seen the A&E show* Intervention * he may want to check out one of the episodes involving a young female addict who’s been abused (I’d say 9/10 of them have been abused or assaulted). Might be an interesting illustration of the connection between abuse and cycles of abuse/addiction/out-of-control behavior. Knowing your stepdad has been hanging around for a decade waiting to fuck you, pretty much confirming what you’ve already suspected, that your attractiveness and body are your primary assets… not great for the old self-esteem.
And this guy gives midlife crises a bad name. Get a sports car or a toupee, don’t contribute to a young person’s downward spiral.