Wait, just a few days ago you were starting a relationship with the woman from Long Island. Are she and the Jewish heiress the same person?
In a strange way it’s kind of satisfying when the subject of a Pit thread comes into the thread to do exactly the thing they’re being Pitted for.
Yes. Her family was one of the founders of the junk mail industry and still own a lot of it. Flame away. She moved to be away from her family though. They have more than enough money but more drama than the Soprantos. Sign me up. That is what I am here for.
I think it’s time we administered the Voight-Kampff test to Shags.
Holden: The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over. But it can’t. Not without your help. But you’re not helping.
Shagnasty: Whaddaya mean, I’m not helping?
Holden: I mean you’re not helping! Why is that, Shaggy?
Shagnasty: We had circle-jerks at my school. We also had penis-measuring contests. The school mysteriously burned down shortly after that. Have I mentioned my ABD degree?
All of this Derek Flint ‘girls of all nations’ stuff doesn’t lend credence to your story, Shaggy, it just makes people roll their eyes and say, “So, no Haitian voodoo priestesses or Balinese temple dancers, then?” It doesn’t make you sound like a debonair man about town, Shaggy, it makes you sound like the kid at school whose only claim on popularity was boasting that he had more and better toys, toys that nobody else in the school had, toys that he could never quite produce.
Sad, just sad.
You’re back! Maybe you can answer the question concerning your claimed make out session.
In the initial accounts you said involved light petting which you further defined as touching her breasts over her bra. In your latest thread, you repeated claimed it was just kissing and you were the real victim.
A. We’re you lying before? Was there no petting?
B. Are you lying now? There was petting but you’re too chickenshit to stick with the story.
Or:
C. There never was this make out session but you can’t admit your BS.
My new girlfriend the rich heiress invented junk mail! Her family owns the biggest Silly Putty factory in the Western hemisphere! She won Miss Gibraltar seven years in a row and then they retired her ballgown! She hosts her own home renovation TV show and can breathe through her feet!
I have a Star Wars action figure of Han Solo giving Darth Vader the finger and it’s the only one ever made because the factory destroyed the mould afterwards and it’s worth a million dollars and my Dad brought it back for me from a trip but he says I’m not allowed to show it to you because it’s too expensive and you could see it at my house except it’s on loan to the Smithsonian.
And he never seems to change his stories about his wife and daughters. Nothing about their personalities, nothing about day-to-day things they have done, etc.
I like how you incorporated Shaggy’s pathological comma-avoidance into that. 
It’s a gift I have.
This is what I’m not getting. What’s wrong with an heiress’s money?
His writing mimics his thought processes, a 12 year old’s jumbled rush to pile embellishment upon nonsense without pause for thought or breath, heaping turd upon turd until there’s a smelly ziggurat of bullshit with him perched atop crowing like a dunghill rooster.
Money = control to Shagnasty and control should always go to the penisholder.
I am beginning to worry about this child, if she is real. Why is she not mentioned as much, does she not meet the expectations of this man. God, I hope she never hurts his feelings. All he has to do is wish and bad things could happen to her.
I don’t care about her money. I do worry about someone trying to take mine if things became that serious. That is not an idle concern. I am an heir myself for huge amounts of land and mineral rights spread over three states and it very easy to screw things up. I need someone that is in the same situation I am in. The only way I could ever get married again is with a prenup the size of Gone With the Wind. I will be happy to treat anyone well as long as they are nice to me and leave my daughters alone but you aren’t marrying me for the money. You better bring your own.
Luckily I found someone that meets those criteria and has the same problem. I will have to see how it goes today but it is very promising so far.
You don’t happen to fight crime at night by any chance?
*What do you want from life
To kidnap an heiress
or threaten her with a knife
What do you want from life
To get cable TV
and watch it every night
<snip>
What do you want from life
An Indian guru
to show you the inner light
What do you want from life
a meaningless love affair
with a girl that you met tonight*
(Spooner & Evans)
Only once and I won.