The problems with statements like “Why don’t the parents teach them this?” is that you’re assuming the parents have the knowledge. But you’re forgetting that their parents probably didn’t teach them.
I really don’t think that most people learned anything about dating from their parents. Or from anyone else, for that matter. Most people just learn on their own. And if you’re introverted (which is totally normal, BTW) you may not have that many experiences. And likely you come from introverted parents who likewise didn’t, and thus couldn’t tell you much if they wanted to.
I can’t imagine learning anything about dating from my parents. The only people they ever dated were each other. And they got married four years younger than I am now, and most people seem to think I’d be a bit young to get married. The times have changed way too much.
What I learned, I got from studying human behavior, reading books, and just trying things out. And, other than the book thing, I don’t know anyone different.
I’m with you there. I’ve got a shoulder for them to lean on, tissues for their tears, and advice if they want it. But I’m not a dating coach. I don’t have all the answers. I made a lot of mistakes before finding my husband and I think they need to, also.
If any of my kids ask my husband (their dad) about dating, I’m sure they’ll come to this conclusion…
At that age, the LAST thing I wanted was to be like my parents. I wanted to be different from them. I wouldn’t have taken advice from them on clothes, hair, or dating. If anything, I’d have been likely to do the opposite of what they recommended, because that would make me not be like them. I don’t consciously try to do that any more, but I do make different decisions than they might in the same situation, because I don’t have the same personality as either of them (I’m introverted and geeky, they’re not). What worked for them in dating might not have worked for me, or might not have been right to attract the introverted geeks I was interested in.
Now I’ve got my introverted and geeky husband, and he only makes me go to parties or other social events a few times a year, and I am pretty happy with that. If I’d ended up with somebody more outgoing, he’d probably have wanted me to go out more often, and I don’t want that.
You may not be able to keep your kids from turning out introverted. Kids are born with personalities (as anyone with more than one kid can tell you), and there’s not that much a parent can do to change that personality. There’s no guarantee that your kid’s personality will be similar to yours, or even particularly compatible with yours, either. You may have to live with a kid who is not somebody you would have chosen as a friend, or one who may not choose a path in life that you can understand why anybody would want. That’s just the way it is.
What trying to force a personality on your kid will do is affect your relationship with that kid, and probably not for the better. You wouldn’t like to spend time with somebody who thinks there’s something wrong with the way you are and is constantly trying to “fix” it, would you? Most people wouldn’t. Getting that kind of attitude from your parents just does wonders for self-esteem, too.
My parents were extremely helpful. My mother’s store of advice was:[ol]“Don’t go mad”[li]“Don’t bring disgrace on the family name”[/ol][/li]
Mind you, she was a mine of information next to my father.
A co-worker had a couple of sons who turned out to be ‘super’ kids - straight A’s, involved in a thousand activities, popular, never a moment’s worry about them, headed for bright futures…The boys reached dating age, and she did tell us in conversation that she and her husband didn’t put in their two cents worth about dating, but they did tell the boys they expected them to act like gentlemen and treat girls like ladies. It worked out well because they eventually made brilliant marriages.
I don’t think kids are encouraged to “date” anymore. I see it all the time, the teens are looking for relationships and such. I’m like “you’re 16 you should be dating 50 people and having fun.”
I think it’s more common now to find people only having dated on or two people throughout high school.
Dating is something you learn little by little. It’s a skill. Yeah you can tell your kids or your friends, but in the end you learn by doing and failing and picking yourself up.
This thread reminds me of “Leave It To Beaver” how June was always preparing Wally and Beaver to be “social.” Like June suggested that since Wally had a few dinners over a Julie Foster, he take her out to a resturaunt at night.
So where did you learn how to read human behavior? Who taught you how to tell if someone is enjoying your company or looking for a polite exit? How do you know to watch someone’s eyes, or the hundred other little cues that tell you what someone is thinking?
I think people here have learned a lot from their parents, even if they aren’t aware of it. Maybe they didn’t have a list of rules and tips (#78 - when walking on the sidewalk, the man should be on the side closer to traffic) but there’s some degree of social skills and interaction that you must have picked up somewhere. You probably don’t remember your parents teaching you to talk, but they did.
First of all, everyone knows that their parents were more or less born married, and have had sex exactly the number of times necessary to have their kids. So what do they know about dating?
Our kids did just fine without us. Being there if they want to talk about it is good, but teaching isn’t. When we dated there was no such thing as Facebook and AIM, so we didn’t have up to the minute data on potential bfs and gfs. Not to mention that dating was still one on one then, not the mass hordes there are now. If our kids were about to travel back in time to 1968, then we’d give them advice.
When my mother was maybe twenty she went on a date with a guy. What she told me was he wanted to “go farther” than she wanted, so she hit him over the head with a coke bottle and ran out on him, calling her dad to pick her up.
She never used the words date rape, but as an adult, that can be read into it.
I think my parents tried, but they didn’t really have much experience to draw on. When they met, dad was 19 and mom was 14. They were married three years later. And mom’s advice of “just be yourself” and “take her someplace really expensive” turned out to be worse than useless.
People learn these kind of things from experience, not from parents. And, honestly, introverted? Really? I’m introverted, and not a looker by any means, and at times have truly crappy self-esteem, and I’ve never had trouble finding a date. Not that I want one.
Kids don’t listen, and cultures change. What my parents knew in the 60s didn’t translate to the 90s, which is when I was a teen. And. . .yes, parents should give children self-confidence. There are also a lot of really crappy parents. And I would never, ever take dating advice from them anyway, seeing as their marriage was abusive, unfaithful hell.
The only thing my parents ever told me about dating was that I had to fill the car with gas if I wanted to use it. I wouldn’t have listened to any advice they gave me, in fact they may have cast a million pearls before this swine but I never heard them.
With my own kids I’ve made an effort to teach about dating, sex and relationships. If you were a good looking, popular teen with girls throwing themselves at you constantly, would you even be able to hear advice from a fat 50 year old guy who you suspect has only ever had sex once?
Not just that, but one of your own PARENTS. One of the least cool people who has ever walked the face of the earth. The person who constantly embarrasses you in front of your friends by wearing, doing, or saying uncool things, or by driving the dorkiest vehicle in the history of auto manufacturing.
It’s funny, my fiance and I were watching a film from the early 50s on proper social manners when dating and attending a school formal. Mostly, we found it hilariously dated, until it got to the part about how you shouldn’t hog your date at the dance - make sure you both dance with other people, too! My fiance and I looked at each other and said, “Bwah?” We thought it was very interesting that, although the 50s were more prudish sexually, teenagers were expected and encouraged to casually date (or at least dance with) multiple partners. When we were in high school (way back in the mid/late 90s ) dating was strictly one person at a time. I wonder when and why that changed, and if our greater sexual permissiveness has anything to do with it.
) dating was strictly one person at a time. I wonder when and why that changed, and if our greater sexual permissiveness has anything to do with it.