Although there is a TV component involved in this question, I don’t believe that this belongs in Cafe Society.
OK, I’ve noticed in a lot of TV shows, there’s an episode or two, where a guy is dating a woman, and something happens, and one or both of her parents prevent her from seeing the guy again, or, they want to get married, then above and beyond just giving, or not giving their blessing, the parents are the one to decide if they can get married or not.
Now, I know that sometimes TV and real life are on totally different tracks, but I’m curious, is it that common for a grown woman to have her love life controlled by her parents? How common is it for a grown woman to need permission to date someone or to get married?
I think it all depends on the culture. I can only answer for my own family and circle of friends (white suburbia without much “old world” influence) where I say, no, the parents do not control the love life of grown women. It can be very difficult to deal with their disapproval, but other than that, I don’t think they have the final say. I certainly don’t know any. But then, I don’t know many women who wanted to marry men that their family truly took offense to, either.
Try this – my fiance (male) ended our engagement because his parents didn’t approve and wouldn’t give us their blessing – we hadn’t ASKED for it, as far as I know. But we didn’t have their “permission” and it turned out he was a real mama’s boy. I hadn’t had a clue.
My parents have never tried to control that part of my life. They trust me to make my own choices. What an idea.
I’m sure it depends on where you are and what sort of person you are.
My parents had no control over my love life once I was an adult and supporting myself. Why would they ? They also had no control over my finances, my thoughts, my education or my living standards. That’s kind of what ‘supporting yourself’ entails. Freedom to make your own choices, and the responsibility to deal with the consequences when you make bad ones.
You missed a nasty bullet with that one by the sounds of it, Whiterabbit. Wonder if he’s still a mummy’s boy or if he ever grew up ? 
Women don’t want mama’s boys, only men who are mindlessly and hopelessly devoted to, oh, them. How hypocritical.
I figured that it’s rare, and I know that if I was single and dating someone and found out that her parents would be the ones to determine if she could marry me or not, or hell, even if she could just see me or not, I’d drop her right then and there.
And I know that it’s silly to believe what you see on TV, but I’ve seen stuff like this enough times, it just made me wonder, does this actually happen?
Geez, J_Kat that was an awfully large amount of paint you slapped around with that there brush. 
How about clarifying that comment, or alternatively, apologising for calling half the population hypocrites ?
I’ve known my share of women who have some amount of parental control in their love lives. Let me add that my experiences have all been with women approximately my age. I have also met one guy who’s parents influenced his decisions.
The first (and only) date I went on was with a friend of mine who is Muslim. Her parents are moderately conservative in their social beliefs. She pretty much was told that she couldn’t date a non-Muslim. She didn’t always listen to her parents since she had a long-term relationship with a non-Middle Eastern Muslim and went on a dates every now and then with non-Muslims (myself included). However, she had to always be very secretive about it. She is, though, in a great relationship with a guy her parents approve of now.
One of my oldest college friends is Indian, I remember a time that he pined for this Indian girl two floors below us. However, he never made any moves because he risked disapproval from his parents (apparently his family was from the lowlands and her family was from the highlands. Something like that anyway; the two families were different regions of the country). Eventually, he did begin a long-term relationship with a Chinese girl on our floor who’s parents were restrictive on her love life. They dated secretly for about three years before he finally asked her father for permission to date her. The father agreed since he had gotten to know my friend after three years of being introduced as her friend.
There’s also a couple women that I’ve pined for who said that they would like to date me, but they couldn’t because I wasn’t Baptist or Christian. Their parents weren’t influencing their decisions in this regard, so it might be a bit unfair for me to list them here. The only reason I do so is that the way they were raised by their church and parents helped them reach that decision. Stretching it, true.
My parents have never tried to get involved in my love life beyond telling me now and again whether “he’s a nice boy” or not! Once I was old enough to be dating, it was pretty much up to me who I chose to go out with - largely because my parents didn’t really know the people concerned.
Having said that, my mum thinks my current partner is a complete love!
As far as the OP is concerned, I’m trying to think of an example from TV of a grown woman’s parents influencing her dating life – cite, pls?
I keep thinking of the conservative Christian thing about “courtship” as opposed to dating. From what I know, you have to get your parent’s approval, and sometimes the approval of most of your church before even considering a relationship. Basically, the guy has to “court” the girls’ parents first.
I can only see that working in small, closed communities, although maybe someone will chime in and say, “We did courtship in New York!” or something.
:rolleyes:
My mom hated the guy I dated through high school. She tried to interfere with that one.
For the most part my parents are okay, that was the only time they tried to use parental control over my dating life. I know their opinions of my SOs, but there is a great line between their personal opinion and their parental decrees. (And that was while I was growing up. I’m 21 now and I doubt I’m going to ever hear a parental decree again.)
My parents have had no direct influence over my love life since I became an adult.
But as a teenager if my Dad disapproved of a boyfriend I was banned from seeing him. Didn’t stop me, but did make things extremely awkward.
I don’t have much time, because I’m on a break, and I have to get back to work soon, but there was a Seinfeld episode, where he and a girl made out while watching Schendler’s List and when he went back to see her the next day, her father heard about it, and wouldn’t her go out with him again. Then there was an episode, which I didn’t watch, but read about, on Everybody Loves Raymond, where Robert goes to meet Amy’s parents, who then disapprove of him, and then go to where she’s living to take her back home.
That depends where you are, what country, what other cultural influences are involved.
Responding as it applies to what I know, believe and have observed: If a woman is living independently and supporting herself, she can do what she wants to. If she’s still living in her parents’ home and dependent on them, she should be obligated to respect their wishes as to who she brings into their home.
That’s how it ought to be IMHO. There are lots of parents who try, openly or covertly, attempt to control many parts of their daughters’ lives, including who they date or are friends with.
However: It is my personal observation that if you are a parent and your daughter OR son wants to date someone you don’t approve of, the absolute worst thing you can do is openly disapprove and criticize. The younger the person is, the more he or she will then feel compelled (either consciously or not) to see the one you disapprove of. The best thing you can do is be friendly and invite the friend to dinner. Very soon one or more of a few things will happen:
- You will get to know the friend and find out he/she is not so bad after all.
- Your son or daughter will see how well the friend does or does not fit in with the way he or she is used to living.
- The friend will see your family’s values and behavior and decide if he or she wants to continue the relationship.
Nothing to lose, everything to gain.
The above does not apply, of course, if you have valid reason to believe that any friend, male or female, is dangerous (potentially violent, involved in criminal behavior, etc.).
Control covers a lot of ground.
I grew up in the US of A. Speaking only of my fellow suburbanites in the US of A and college friends, I can tell you that I’ve known a number of second - and in one case third - generation Americans who entered into arranged marriages. Yes. Arranged marrieges. I know of one who divorced and several who are still married, but there are a dozen minor college-age friends who I’ve lost track of so for all I know they divoreced the arranged hubby and ran off with a biker gang of lesbian circus performers.
So, that’s a hefty sample of African and Middle-Eastern women raised in America who were controlled, from your point of view. From their point of view, to generalize, being expected to marry according to your parents wishes was as normal as expecting your parents to pay for the college of your choice. (Obviously, both models include a bit of negotiation from both sides.)
On the other hand, a stunning number of American women in therapy are there to talk about how their parents are “controlling” their lives. The real issue is a bit more complex, though they certainly feel the confusion and pain you saw depicted on the TV.
I’m assuming, in this post, that we all consider women who are out of high school and off in school or living life “grown women.”
I’m with a guy that I plan on marrying. (Picked a date, all that good stuff.) I told him that he needed to ask my dad for his permission to marry me. My father knows how I feel about this guy, and I know he’ll say yes, because he’s the type to let me make my own decisions. I just wanted my dad to have that one chance for someone to come to him to ask about it. Three of my sisters have gotten married, and not one of the fiancees ever asked my father about anything. Besides, I’m the “daddy’s girl”, because I’m the only daughter that my father has always gotten along with.
Sometimes parents do have good reason for meddling in their kid’s affairs, though. My parents totally objected to a certain lump of flesh that I dated. If I had gone through with that relationship and wedding, I would surely be dead or divorced by now.
This isn’t the Pit so I can’t say what I’d LIKE to say to you.
But a 43-year-old man really should be able to say, “I’m sorry you don’t approve, but I love her and she’s going to be my wife.”