“Does the Pope shit in the woods?” (combining “Does a bear shit in the woods?” with “Is the Pope Catholic?”; I think it’s from “The Big Lebowski”)
“Sweating like a whore in church”
On farting:
(said immediately after) “I must’ve stepped on a frog”
(on blame) “The smeller’s the feller”
From some local sports commentators:
“He’s as cool as the other side of the pillow”
(After a hard hit) “Felt that one in the crow’s nest!”
Money talks, bullshit walks.
About people you should stay away from:
He/she is more trouble than ten miles of bad road.
He/she is as dangerous as a two-headed rattlesnake
Darker than a black cat in a coal cellar at midnight.
She was so tall she could stand flat-footed and piss in the radiator of a Ford. (from the "tin lizzie’ era).
You look like you was rode hard and put away wet.
Couple Sandwiches short of a picnic
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Doesn’t know whether to scratch his butt or wind his watch.
An ugly person
He/she fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch
On seeing a good looking woman, a friend of mine says
“She would tighten the head on a brush”
My brother often says :
“Well shit a green brick and send it to the Salvation Army.”
I’d like to know what that means one day.
I don’t know exactly what this is a metaphor for:
A blind man
in a dark room
looking for a black cat
that isn’t there
Noiser than a mule in a tin shed.
Faster than a blind dog’s tail in a meat market.
(rather long)
So dumb he couldn’t pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were printed on the heel.
More stubborn than a froze hog.
How about:
That dog’ll hunt (I saw the opposite)
He may be fat, but he sure is slow (don’t really know what that’s supposed to mean but it sure is funny)
Fuck me dead. (see the movie Welcome to Woop Woop)
Part my beef curtains (Welcome to Woop Woop again)
Stick a fork in me, I’m done.
Don’t forget my sig (not a saying, I really want to you look at my sig)…
It means that as the quarter rolled down the girl’s back, her razor-thin spine would slice the coin along its edge.
“That coffee’s stronger’n tha law”
“I hafta piss like a racehorse”
My boss’ favorite (well, one of the few ones he’ll say around me, on account of me being such a delicate female type):
“Smarter than a three-week-old baby pig.”
“thick as two short planks”
[ottawa valley]
threatening: “I’ll show you where the bear shit in the buckwheat”
[/ottawa valley]
Slicker’n puppy shit.
In a three-pronged tizzy. (in a state of agitated distress)
Running around with your hair on fire, putting it out with a hammer.
Putting a fine edge on a marshmallow (used in a business context–trying to estimate the un-estimatable).
He couldn’t find his ass with both hands & a flashlight.
He couldn’t organize a one-car funeral.
Trying to nail Jell-o to the wall (very similar to putting an edge on a marshamallow).
My hubby’s father used to say “That’s about as smart as a fart in a bathtub.” He was from Nebraska.