We’ve got kind of a mixed bag here, quality-wise.
Some of them are slicker than snot on a doorknob.
And a few are about as f***ed-up as a soup sandwich.
My mom used to say (in response to something shocking):“I coulda shit a brick sideways and gone to hell with a square asshole!”
The guys used to say"She fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
The Simpsons said (and it deserves to become common usage - call it TV regional) “If I wanted smoke blown up my ass I’d be at home with a pack of cigarettes and a short length of hose.”
I’m known to use this one in reference to someone in a big ass hurry, or, someone so tired they’re falling asleep standing up.
“He’s out like a scout on a new route.”
I know I didn’t invent it, but I have no clue where I first heard it, or what the etymology of the thing is.
[sub]And it’s such MPS, it just doesn’t seem worthy of GQ.[/sub]
Where did this one come from? I say it to girlfriends when they say they look crap.
“Well don’t you just look like a sack of shit tied up ugly”
Pix xx
As quick as a hot snot sliding down a rasher.
He’s all hat and no cattle.
She was all over him like a cheap suit.
Ain’t she cute as a speckled pup.
Quit running around like a fart in a bottle.
His eyes bugged out like a stomped on toadfrog.
Why aren’t you as ___ as all get out.
And, in response to an audible fart:
Who dropped the orange?
One of my faves:
“Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas Tree”
And this one from my dad, about a pretty woman when she walks by:
“How would you like to bite into that, develop lockjaw, and get dragged to death?”
This is mean, please don’t attack me for it, but I heard a customer leave the store yesterday saying “Well, I’m out like a retard in a spelling bee”
Another one i’ve heard is “You can polish a turd until it shines, but it’s still a turd.”
When about to leave: I’m out like white jeans
Ugly person: (S)he had a face like a half-chewed caramel
Bad Smell: That could gag a maggot
“Helpful” person: as useless as tits on a bull
Any Newfoundlanders would know that a dumb person is as stunned as me arse!
I feel like I’ve been dragged (drug) through a knothole.
On a related note here’s a site where you can give a good Irish Curse.
On a person who’s excessivly argumentative:
S/He could start a fight in solitary [confinement]
You can’t make chicken salad out of chicken shit
Shit fire and save matches
He could break an anvil with a feather
First post! What up:cool:
You’re dumber than a bowl of mice.
“That old boy so confused, he don’t whether to scratch his watch or wind his asshole.”
“He’s busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kickin’ contest.”
These from my college friend Bill, who was so Texas is wuz amazing:
“She’s as cute as a blue-nosed gopherfish.”
“She’s as cute as a bug’s ear.”
“He’s a good egg.”
“That old boy’s so confused, he don’t know whether to scratch his watch or wind his asshole.”
There. That’s better.
This is the funniest thread since jarbabyj’s fart thread, and I’m not ashamed to say I participated in that! lol! This makes me feel plum highbrow.
Here’s mine:
On screw ups: Boy, you’d fuck up a two-car funeral.
On being nervous: Man, I’m sweatin’ like a whore in church.
On being in a crowded situation: It’s so close in here I’m going to have poot in my pocketbook.
On being weak: He’s not strong enough to pull a greasy string out of a cat’s ass.
Variation on …
He’s dumber than a sack of tire tools.
I may have missed it, but I didn’t see these classics…
His elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top.
His lights are on, but nobody is home.
Also…
She’s a couple of cans short of a six-pack.
On impending trouble:
The shit’s gonna hit the fan. (or ‘fit hitting the shan’ around the young 'uns)
On a good looking guy:
You could bounce a quarter off of his ass!
Stressed/uptight:
That’s mans’ so uptight he shits diamonds.
If you pricked him he’d bleed cotton. (stuffed shirt)
[hijack]
We had a friend who knew english but was still geting used to the sayings, but would mix them up every once in a while. He was trying to tell someone in a business setting that his part in a process was done and said:
“My ball is in your hand”
Cracks us up still to think about it.
[/hijack]