Raining like a bull pissing on a flat rock.
As high as dwarf in a helium hat.
Well I thought for sure I’d have something to add.
I guess I don’t know shit from shinola.
Here’s some very Australian ones:
Busier than a blue-arsed fly
All over the place like a mad woman’s sh*t
Full as a fat lady’s sock (or jocks if you want to be cruder)
Well, paint me purple and call me Barney!
you’re laying around like a turd in a toilet bowl
you cant be related to me you’re too retarded
assholes and elbows
close only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades
i hate you more than life itself
let me break this down crayola style for ya’ll
someone hit theier heasd diveing into the gene pool
How’re those for starts?
“As useless as tits on a boar.”
I thought for sure someone would drag out this old chestnut from Looney Tunes:
“That boy is about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.”
Also, am I the only one old enough to remember this one?:
“Well, paint me green and call me Gumby.”
Babbling on like an English major on ecstasy
I’ll beat you like a red-headed stepchild
Beat you like a rented mule
She’s been banged more times than a screendoor in a hurricane
She’s been plowed more times than a parking lot in Buffalo
Whoops, forgot one.
We’re all just one chromosome away from the Special Olympics.
From the Army:
“About as fun as hemorrhoids on a hot day.”
“So dumb he couldn’t navigate his way out a brown paper bag.”
“So dumb he stayed up all night studying for a urine test.”
“Stick a fork up my butt & turn me over, 'cause I’m done.”
When you have to poop really bad:
“I gotta go so bad I’m touching fabric!”
From Mom, when skeptical:
“If the paper lies still, you can print anything on it.”
also:
“You got the accent on the wrong syl-LAL-able.” As opposed to SYL-lable.
“He cut off his nose just to spite his face.”
Others:
“Dumber than a home-made radio.”
From up north when someone farts:
“I thought I heard a buck snort!”
Also when farting:
“You hear that? Barking spiders!”
Paraphrased from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off:
“He’s so uptight if you stuck a piece of coal up his butt in three weeks you’d have a diamond.”
On throwing up:
“Yodelling groceries.”
“Technicolor scream.”
Whoops, yet another one.
If I wanted smoke blown up my ass I’d buy a pack of cigarettes and a short length of hose.
Starting to get a lot of repeats…read first, then write.
But nobody’s posted this recent one:
“Did you go to school on the short bus?”
That’ll make a magot gag!
Now don’t get no burr under your saddle boy.
A good face for radio.
He could f*ck up a wet dream.
“He’s got his head so far up his butt he’s looking out of his mouth.”
I’ve seen better-organized monkey shit fights at the zoo. (This event is poorly organized).
Shit and fall back in it. (To be surprised).
How do ya like them beans/apples? (How do you like that?)
Put that in your smipe and poke it (pipe and smoke it). (Get used to it).
Another of those posts I just had to register for…my favorite of my family’s sayings:
I could run you out of town with a sharpened sweet potato.
Or, in response to someone saying they might do something: Mites in a chicken’s ass.
Well, fan my brow, cousin.
Mad: Your ass is grass and I’m a lawnmower.
Disbelieving: It’ll work… Like a windshield wiper on a goats ass.
Accusation: Your asshole must be sucking wind. (a.k.a. talking out your butt)
Statement: Cold enough to freeze the ball off a brass monkey.
And if that don’t work, we’ll always think it shoulda.
(Like most of these, it absolutely must be said with a Southern accent.)
Similar to some others already posted…
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Couldn’t find his ass with both hands in his back pockets
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Slicker than greased otter shit
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Folder faster than a k-mart lawn chair
To be said when one is helping out in some small way for someone else’s larger project (it is a twee bit crude… I think I first heard it on these boards actually. Funny that). -
You’re the one f**king this chicken, I’m just holding the wings…
I don’t use that one much. Gee… I wonder why?