I stole this from CrankyAsAnOldMan years ago:
Busier than a one-legged cat tryin’ to bury a turd on a frozen pond.
(Of the morning-after realisation): e.g., “She was so ugly, I had to chew my own arm off to get away.”
(Insult): e.g., “Conceiving you was a waste of a wank.”
(when heading to the bathroom for a no2) “I’m off to bury a sailor at sea”
(of someone who rates themselves a class above): “He farts higher than his arse”
(annoying): “He makes my shit hang sideways”
(to have suffered diarrhoea): “I’ve just spent tuppence in ha’pennies and farthings”
Admittedly, most of these do work best when said in a broad north-England accent. Think Daphne off Frasier, for you Yanks…
On someone who is quite verbose:
S/he could talk the ear off a brass monkey.
I’ll pound you like a salami in a salami-pounding contest!
Someone asks me how I am, my usual response is:
“Hanging in like a loose tooth.”
Ugly enough to back to sh*t up a light pole
He don’t know me from Adam’s housecat
When you are doing something the hard way you are “Taking the long way around Robin Hood’s barn”
If you are out of place you “Feel like a milk-bucket under a bull”
someone who doesn’t know what is going on “doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the wall”
I’m hungry enough to eat the ass out a dead mule…
Slower than smoke off of a cool turd…
If something is distasteful “I wouldn’t hit a wet dog in the ass with it”…
A personal favourite (the mental image always makes me smile).
On Futility: It’s like trying to herd cats.
My personal favorites:
“Don’t get your crank shaft all up in a two stroke!”
“Well, Christ on a Crouton!”
“I only did it for sheeps and whistles…”
Describing women
I wouldn’t crawl over her to get to you!
I wouldn’t kick her out of bed for farting!
Chaos
He couldn’t organise a piss-up in a brewery
Stupidity
If brains were dynamite they wouldn’t blow his hat off
*Exasperation
- my mother’s favourite *
Hell’s Bells and buckets of blood
Useless
He’s an arse with ears
Surprise
Well F**k me sideways
Make like a bread truck and haul buns!
she could eat apples through a picket fence
built like a brick shit house
colder than a witch’s tit
he has more _____ than Carter has pills
like a turd in a punch bowl
thinks her shit don’t stink
" He was grinnin like a dog shittin a peach seed ".
Said of someone with old-fashioned or outdated ideas:
You can’t be a mule in a John Deere society.
Just a comment on #4, my ex-wife is a witch, and I assure you her breasts were normal temperature.
Here’s a few from me:
That went over like a NARC at a biker rally
My dick’s harder than chinese arithmetic
(when asked a series of stupid questions or being interrupted): Comes at 8, leaves at 9, asshole deep and three for a dime!
(refers to an old, worn out joke)
I wouldn’t touch that with somebody else’s 10-foot pole.
That pup won’t suck.
Shoot and holler shit.
Phukmerunnen.
You’d skrog anything with a pulse.
Is the Pope Catholic? Do bears shit in the woods? Is a frog’s ass watertight?
Quit your cryin’. You’re gettin’ the floor wet.
Excessive PDAing: On him/her like a Sacksville-Baggins on a garage sale.
I got that from a fanfiction I read once. (Paraphrased for universiality)
Dumber than a box of rocks, but the box is empty…that’s how I always heard it.
Fair to middlin’- when asked how are you?
The wheel’s aturning, but the hamster’s still dead.
Did you take the big yellow bus or the little yellow bus to school?
In addition to “the lights are on- nobody home” is Everybody’s home, but they’re groping around in the dark.
or,
Elevator’s in the basement and the cords have been cut.
Obviously, you weren’t spanked enough as a child.
Do your parents know they had children that lived?
Knocking boots.
Alive and living.
Able to sit up and take nourishment.
Taking a dirt nap.
I haven’t laughed this hard since the story the other morning about knocking the baby over with a fart. [I’ve been HIT!]
Happier than a four-peckered goat.
I don’t know him/her from Adam’s off ox.
You’re not sharp as a tack just because you have a flat head.
Sorry don’t feed the bulldog.
I always heard “Going clear 'round Hell’s half acre.”
Let’s make like a tree and leave
or
Let’s make like a tree and get out of here.
And my personal all-time favourite:
Let’s make like a horse’s d*ck and hit the road
–She could suck the chrome of a trailer hitch.
–Couldn’t find his ass with two hands and a mirror
In answer to the question “Where is so-and-so?”:
–He went to shit and the hogs ate him
–Up my ass pickin’ daisies
–In East Jafuckahunga
–Ain’t the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree/ the sharpest tack in the box
–Whatever blows your skirt up for ya
–Yer damn skippy!
–I knew him when Hector was a pup (is this a Trojan War reference?)
–Queer as old dad’s hatband (I have no idea what that means)
–He’s a few sandwiches short of a picnic
Some favorites from my dad:
–He’s screwed blue and tattooed
–When someone is really angry my dad says “He got a wild hair across his ass”
–He talks like a man with a paper asshole/ a corrugated tin asshole
–Go piss up a rope/shit in your hat
–She’s built like a brick shithouse (this apparently is a complement)