Share your jokes with me

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

WARNING: Another long joke comeing.

This Game Warden pulled his car up to a lake and looked out over the shore line. He watched as a man walked down the bank and reached down, picked something up and stuffed it into a bag he was carring.
The Game Warden walked down to the man and asked,“What you putting the the bag?”
The man replied, “Ducks.”
“Where are you getting ducks?”
“I killed 'em.” the man said.
The Game Warden says, “You can’t shoot ducks on this lake.”
The man responds, “Oh, I didn’t shoot 'em.”
“If you didn’t shoot them,” askes the Warden,“how did you kill them?”
“I uglyed them to death.”
“You uglyed them to death?” askes the GW. “I don’t think I have ever heard of anyone uglying ducks to death.”
“Well, I’ll show you.” says the man. “Here comes one in now.” and with that, the man looks up at the duck and makes a really really ugly face at it. The duck stalls out in the sky, and falls dead on the shore. The man walks over and picks the duck up and puts it in the bag.
“I don’t believe I just saw what I just saw.” exclaims the Game Warden.
“No?” says the man, “I’ll show you again. Here come to more.” Again the man looks up at the ducks, makes the ugly face at them, and they both fall dead at his feet.
The Game Warden says, “Well I’ll be darned. That is the strangest thing I have ever seen. You must be the only person in the world that can ugly ducks to death.”
The man says, “Oh no, I’m not the only one. My wife can do it too.”
“Is that right?” askes the GW.
“Yeah,” replys the man, “but I have to leave her at home. When she does it, they blow up in mid-air.”

22

There was this third grade class, and the teacher wanted each student to get up in front of the class and tell a little story about someone in their family, and then tell the class what the moral of the story is.
The first little boy gets up and says, “My uncle is a chicken farmer, and every year he gathers up all the eggs that the hens have layed, puts them in a big basket, and takes them to the market. One year, as he was driving along, the basket fell over and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is ‘Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.’”
Then a little girls gets up and says, “My uncle is a chicken farmer too, but he lets the eggs hatch, and then sells the chicks. One year his hens layed a whole lot of eggs, and he was really excited, but only half of the eggs hatched. The moral of my story is, ‘Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.’”
Then little Johnny gets up. “My uncle” he says, “was a fighter pilot in World War II. One day he was shot down over enemy territory and had to bail out of his plane. All he had with him was his parachute, a machine gun, a machete and a six-pack of beer. On the way down to the ground he drank the six-pack of beer. When he landed he was surrounded by 100 enemy soldiers. He pulled out his machine gun and killed 70 of them before he ran out of bullets. Then he pulled out his machete, and killed 20 more before it broke. The last 10 he had to kill with his bare hands.”
The teacher looks at Johnny for a moment, and then asks, “What could possibly be the moral to that story?”
Johnny looks back at her and says, “Don’t fuck with Uncle Jed when he’s drunk.”

HA!

23

Disclaimer: These are my 7 year old’s favorite jokes:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the armadillo that it could be done!
Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get the the Shell station!
Favorite jokes of the 14 year old:

What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?

A cherry float!
Three ducks are brought before a night court judge. Judge looks at the first duck and sighs. “Name?”

First duck shakes out his feathers. “Quack.”

“Your name is Quack?”

“Yes, Your Honor.”

“What’s your crime?”

“Blowing bubbles in the park.”

Judge scowls. “Blowing bubbles in the park? Case dismissed.” He looks at the second duck. “Name?”

Second duck stretches his neck and looks up at the judge. “Quack Quack.”

“Your name is Quack Quack,” the poor man sighs again. “Crime?”

“Blowing bubbles in the park.”

“Case dismiised!” Judge rolls his eyes and is starting to get upset. He scowls again at the third duck. “Let me guess. Your name is Quack Quack Quack.”

The third duck preens and gives the judge a coy look. “No sir. I’m Bubbles.”

:smiley:

24

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the priest inquired.

They say, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”

“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. “You know,” he said, “I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying…that phrase…in no time.”

“Thank you,” the woman responded, “this may very well be the solution.” The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”
There was stunned silence.

Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, “Put the freaking beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!”

25

Priest is in the confessional. An old man comes in.
“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I am 84 years old and lastnight I had unprotected sex with three different women.”
Priest is shocked, “Oh, my! Well, my son, how long has it been since you last confession?”
“Oh, I’ve never confessed before,” the old man says. “I’m Jewish.”
“Well what are you doing here?” the priest asks.
“Hell, son! I’m 84 years old and lastnight I had unprotected sex with three different women. I’m telling EVERYBODY!”

oooooo gawd i make me laff! hahahah! the cornier the better!

26

So, St. Peter’s standing at the Pearly gates one day talking to Jesus and he suddenly realizes that he’s gotta take a wicked leak. He asks Jesus to man the gate until he returns. Jesus says “OK, what do I do?” St. Peter says "Well you ask the people questions about what they did and about their family, stuff like that."Jesus figures he can’t mess that up too bad so he says OK and St. Peter takes off for the nearest bathroom. A couple of people walk up and Jesus asks them what they did while they were alive and did they have any family. This old man walks up and Jesus says “So, tell me what you did while you were alive.” The old man said “I was a carpenter, I did all kinds of woodworking.” So, says Jesus, “Did you have any family?” “Yes” the man says “I had a son once but I lost him” Now, this has started Jesus thinking…“You had a son? What was he like?” “Well” the man said “He had holes in his hands and his feet” Jesus is really excited now. He’s thinking, carpenter, son, holes in hands and feet… He throws out his arms and exclaims “DAD?!” and the old man looks back at him and throws his arms out and shouts …
“PINNICCHIO?!”

27

Why did silly billy tip toe past the medicine cabinet?
:smiley: He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills :smiley:
I kill me! :stuck_out_tongue:

28

Sigh…another joke like that, and I’ll kill ya too! :smiley:

29

Three guys are walking down the street…Two of them walk into a bar. But the third one, he ducked! HA!

[/quote]

A kid is in a bar drinking shots like there was no tomorrow…
the bartender walks up and says “Hey, you’ve had way too much. You’re cut off. Why are you drinking so much, anyway?”
The kid says “Well, I’m celebrating my first blowjob.”
Bartender says “Hell, why didn’t you say so? I’ll give you one more for the road, and this one’s on the house!”
Kid answers “thanks, but if all those shots didn’t get the taste out of my mouth, one more ain’t gonna help.”

[/quote]

An american worker, a german worker, and a polish worker are taking a break at the top of the building they’re working on.
The american opens his lunch box and says “Damn it! Ham and cheese, every single day!! If I have ham & cheese again tomorrow, I’m jumping!”
The german opens his lunch to find sauerkraut and bratwurst, and has the same reaction. He says “I’m with you, if I have sauerkraut and bratwurst again tomorrow, I’m jumping too!”
The polish guy opens his lunch and sees that he has kielbasa. Same reaction.
So the next day when they take their lunch breaks, sure enough: Ham & cheese, sauerkraut & bratwurst, and kielbasa. So all three of them jump.
At the funeral, their wives are discussing the tragedy. The american and german wives are crying, and both say, “if only I had known…all he had to do was tell me he hated what I was giving him for lunch…”
The polish wife says, “But my husband always packed his own lunch!”

[/quote]

An englishman, a frenchman, a texan, and a mexican were on a small plane, flying across the atlantic, when the pilot got on the intercom and said "Gentlemen, we have lost an engine, so we aren’t going to make it to land unless we lose some weight. So anything that is unnecessary needs to be thrown overboard.
All the luggage was out the door, but it was still not enough.
So the Englishman saluted, yelling “God save the queen!” and jumped, nobly sacrificing himself for the lives of his friends.
The pilot said on the intercom, “That’s better, but we’re still too heavy.”
The frenchman yelled “Vive le france!” and jumped.
Still, the plane was too heavy, but only just barely.
So the pilot got on the intercom and said “whaever you guys are doing back there, we almost have it. if there is any other way to lose weight, do it!”
The texan yelled “Remember the alamo!!” and threw out the mexican.

30

Q. How do you know when a computer engineer has a flat tyre?
A. He’s the one by the side of the road, swapping out the wheels to see where the problem is.
Q. How do you know when a computer engineer has run out of petrol?
A. He’s the one by the side of the road, swapping out the wheels to see where the problem is.

31

Marketing guy, a programmer and a hardware engineer are in a car, on the way to the airport. The car gets a flat tire.

“The car’s broken. We’re going to have to throw it away and buy a new one,” says the marketing guy.

The engineer responds, “You don’t know anything about cars! All you have to do is take the tire off and reseat it. It’ll be round again after you take it off and the problem will be fixed.”

“You two guys are really ignorant about cars,” says the software designer. “All you need to do is turn the car off, reboot it, and the problem will go away!”

32

Q. What do you call a man with his arm up a horse’s bum?
A. An Amish mechanic!

33

It’s long, but it’s worth it.

<< Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by terrible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. “The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press
up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need, a new suit.” He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see… size 44 long.”

Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“It’s my job.”

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”

Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure!”

The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see,… 34 sleeve and… 16 and a half neck.”

Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“It’s my job.”

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about new shoes?”

Joe was on a roll and said, “Sure!”

The salesman eyed Joe’s feet and said, “Let’s see…9 and a half wide.”

Joe was astonished, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“It’s my job.”

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked
comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about a new hat?”

Without hesitating, Joe said, “Sure!”

The salesman eyed Joe’s head and said, “Let’s see. . . 7 5/8.”

Joe was incredulous, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“It’s my job.”

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”

Joe thought for a second and said, “Sure!”

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, “Let’s see…size 36.”

Joe laughed, “No, I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.”

The salesman shook his head and said, “You can’t wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!”

34

A minister is giving his sermon but is being interrupted by latecomers wandering in late to the service. After the 5th young bloke walks in late, he decides to ask where he’s been.

“talking to Fanny Green” comes the reply.

yet another young man walks in late…and the pastor recieves the same reply to his question.

About ten minutes later, a striking young woman wanders into the church, and the minister asks his sidekick “is that Fanny Green?”

“No father…” Came the reply…“that’s the light from the stained Glass Window!”

:smiley:

35

uhh…Aldoph, I don’t get it…please explain?

36

hehe…umm…nevermind…good joke, but now I feel pretty stupid…yeah, that fanny is green, but it’s just the light from the stained glass window…good one…[grumble]good one, stupid[/grumble] :smiley:

37

Q: Why do squirrels make love on the ground?
A: Have you ever tried climbing a tree with a hard-on???

Would it be ok to post a really filthy joke here?
Disclainer - drunk again.

38

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
‘‘Watson, look up and tell me what you see.’’
Watson replied, ‘‘I see millions and millions of stars.’’
‘‘What does that tell you?’’
Watson pondered for a minute. ‘‘Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU?’’
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. ‘‘Watson, you idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent.’’

39

How do you make a cat go woof?
Light it on fire. (WOOF!)

How do you make a dog go meow?
Put in in the freezer and run it through a band-saw. (MEEEEEEOOOOOOWWWWWW)

40

It’s the middle of the night, and a burglar brakes into a well-to-do family’s home.

He’s sneaking through the living room in the dark, when he hears a voice.

“Jesus is watching you.”

The burglar believes he’s hearing things, and continues to scout for more goods.

“Jesus is watching you.”

Suspcious, the burglar finds a switch, and throws the lights on. He sees a parrot seated on it’s perch in the corner.

“Hey little fella,” The burglar says, softly as not to alarm the bird. “What’s your name?”

“Squawk! Hubcap.”

The burglar’s confused. “Who’d name a parrot, Hubcap?”

“Whoever named the pit bull over there Jesus.”