Share your jokes with me

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

This one’s pretty long …

Two men were having a drink at the top of the Empire State Building. The first man turned to the second and said, “you know, the winds around this building are really amazing. You can jump off of this building and by the time you reach the 11th floor, you’ll be whipped around the building and blown back inside.”

The bartender sighed and shook his head as he continued cleaning glasses.

The second man glared at him skeptically. “There’s no way that can happen.”

“It’s true,” the first man insisted. “Watch and I’ll show you.”

The two men walked over to the edge of the roof and the first man jumped off the ledge. The second man watched as the first man plummeted toward the eleventh floor, then gasped. Sure enough, the winds had whipped the first man back inside the building and blown him inside one of the windows.

The first man took the elevator back up to the roof and rejoined his drinking companion. “See, what did I tell you?”

The second man wasn’t convinced. “That could’ve just been a fluke.”

“OK, watch and I’ll do it again.” The second man watched as the first man jumped off the roof, fell toward the ground and was pulled around and inside the building at the eleventh floor. The first man took the elevator back up to the roof. “Now do you believe me?”

By now the second man was convinced that the first man was telling the truth. “What have I got to lose?” he thought as he jumped off the edge of the roof.

The first man watched as the second man fell past the 14th, 13th and 12th floors … then past the 11th, 10th, ninth, eighth …

(SPLAT)

The bartender looked up from cleaning the glasses and glared at the first man. “You know, Superman, you’re a real asshole when you’re drunk.”

:smiley:

42

A 7 year old boy and his 4 year old brother were upstairs in their bedroom. The 7 year old was explaining that it was high time that the two of them began swearing. When his little brother responded enthusiastically, the 7 year old hatched the plan. “When we go down stairs for breakfast this morning, I’ll say ‘Hell’ and you say ‘ass.’” The 4 year old happily agreed. As the two boys were seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walked in and asked her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7 year old replied, “Ah hell, Mom, I’ll just have some Cheerios.” “WHACK!” The surprised mother reacted quickly. The boy ran upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner voice, the mother then turned to the younger son, “And what would YOU like for breakfast?” “I don’t know,” the 4 year old blubbered, “but you can bet your ass it’s not gonna be Cheerios.”

43

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?”

“I sure did,” responded the pessimist. “He can’t swim.”

44

An old lady is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away.

She went to the mortuary to look at her dearly departed & the instant she saw him she starts crying.

One of the attendants rushes up to comfort her.

Through her tears she explains that she was upset because Albert was wearing a black suit and that it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.

The attendant apologises and explains that they always put the bodies in a black suit as a matter of course but he’d see what he could do.

The next day she returns to the mortuary to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the attendant pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Albert is now wearing a smart blue suit.

She asks the attendant “How did you manage to get hold of that beautiful blue suit?” “Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband’s size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit.
His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit, after that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads”

I can’t vouch for the accuracy of these but I laughed anyway.

REAL LIFE DISCLAIMERS
Legal disclaimers and warnings are often important, because they point out things that may not be immediately obvious, limiting legal liability for mishaps. But, some statements really make you wonder…

On a blanket from Taiwan -
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

On a Taiwanese shampoo -
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink -
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

On a New Zealand insect spray -
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemorrhoids -
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles -
OPEN OTHER END.

On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

On a Sears hairdryer -
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

On a bag of Fritos -
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap -
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT
TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.

On a Korean kitchen knife -
WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY

On a Japanese food processor -
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I’m curious.)

On Sainsbury’s peanuts -
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.

ALCAHOL WARNINGS

Due to increasing products liability, beer manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association’s suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

Warning:
Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when YOU ARE NOT !

Warning:
Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a w***ker.

Warning:
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in.

Warning:
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

Warning:
Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers.

Warning:
Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

Warning:
Consumption of alcohol may make you think you possess mystical Kung-Fu powers.

Warning:
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species, and/or name you can’t remember)

Warning:
Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

Warning:
Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home

Warning:
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

Warning:
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing with you.

Warning:
Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

Warning:
Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.

45

The avid hunter was up before dawn, ready to go duck hunting. He came into the bedroom, where he found his wife still sound asleep. “Wake up,” he said, “I thought you wanted to go hunting with me.”
“Sorry, honey.” she replied, “I know I said I’d go with you, but I’m just too tired.”
“OK,” he replied, “I’ll let you sleep in. But you’ve either got to give me a blowjob, or take it up the ass.”
So the wife agrees, and starts to give him a blowjob. “What’s that taste!”, she exclaims. “Your dick tastes awful!”
“The dog didn’t want to get up either.”

46

What do women and sirens have in common???

They both make alot of noise to let you know they’re comin.
What do you do when your Kotex catchs fire???

Tampon it.

47

A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are having a drink at a sidewalk cafe when they see two people walk into a house across the street. A few minutes later three people walk out of the house.
The physicist says, “The equation doesn’t balance.”
The biologist says, “They must have reproduced.”
The mathematician says, “If one more person goes into that house, it’ll be empty.”

48

A student at the University of Alaska wanted to join a fraternity. The representative said, “Be at the frat house at 7 am Saturday.”
The applicant was there on time for the initiation.
The frat president said, “The first thing you have to do is drink a fifth of whiskey.” The applicant did so and, of course, was plently sozzled when he was finished.
The FP then said, “The other things you have to do are kill a polar bear and rape an Eskimo.” And he sent the pledge off to do these things.
The pledge returned to the frat house after 11:00 that night. His clothing was tattered and he had cuts and scrapes all over his body. He muttered to the FP, “Now where is that Eskimo you wanted me to kill?” :smiley:

49

Passengers on a plane are waiting to take off.The last two men aboard are dressed in pilot uniforms and are wearing dark glasses.One has a seeing-eye dog and one has a white cane.
There’s no real reaction from the passengers,but a little light laughter as the men enter the cockpit and close the door.
The engines start and the passengers glance around nervously,looking for some sign of a practical joke.Nothing happens.
The plane begins to taxi for take-off.Everything seems normal except the plane isn’t rising and is getting very close to the end of the runway and the water beyond it.
Some people start to scream in panic as the plane seems to be heading for disaster but then the plane starts to rise smoothly.
Up in the cockpit,the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says

“You know,Bob,one of these days,they’re going to scream too late,and we’re all gonna die.”

50

My sole joke:

Two cows are chatting. One cow says to the other:

“I’ve heard mad cow disease is going around, I’m getting kind of nervous. How about you?”

The second cow replies:

“Nope, I’m not! It doesn’t affect penguins.” :smiley:

51

Ok, here’s mine.
An engineer accidently goes to Hell, and starts to fix up some of the broken stuff there (You know, there’s gotta be broken stuff in Hell). So the Devil takes notice and commends the engineer on such a good job he’s done fixin up the place. One day Satan is talking to St. Peter and mentions the engineer and his improvements. St. Peter responds:
“Wait a minute, he’s not supposed to be there! He’s supposed to be in Heaven! Bring him back now!”
Satan says “No way! He’s fixing up the place, and it’s becoming half-way decent down here!”
St. Peter retorts “Well then, I’m going to sue you!”
Satan responds wryly “And where the hell are you going to get a lawyer?”

Oh geez, I crack myself up…coughspluttercough

52

In a pasture, the cows are standing at one end and the bulls are at the other end. Suddenly an earthquake starts, the cows finds that they can’t stand up. As they fall to the ground, one of them looks at the bulls and notices that although they are shaking, they remain standing.
After the earthquake is over, she goes over to the bulls and asks how they are able to remain standing while the ground is shaking. One of the bulls responds, “We bulls wobble, but we don’t fall down.”

53

…offerings from the newbie :)…

The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple
for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had. When the
squad got there it was too late, the man had died. While
consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed
was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had
suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.

The lady replied, “Well, we were in the bed making love and
he started moaning and groaning and thrashing around the bed
panting and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going.”

The Affair
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her
praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
“My darling Becky,” he whispered.
“Hush, my love,” she said. “Rest, don’t talk.”
He was insistent. “Becky, I, I have something I must confess to you.”
“There’s nothing to confess,” replied the weeping Becky. “Everything’s all right, go to sleep.”
“No, no. I must die in peace, Becky, I…slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!”
"I know, Becky whispered softly, “That’s why I poisoned you!”

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day:

The first worm – dead
Second worm – dead
Third worm – dead
Fourth worm – alive

Lesson:
As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won’t get
worms.

54

A marketing associate, a hardware technician, and a software engineer were in a car driving along a treacherous mountain road. They made it up over the pass and started downward. After a few minutes, they noticed that the brakes weren’t working. The driver sweated bullets for the next couple of miles, fighting the car through the turns, until they happened upon an emergency truck ramp. They pulled up the ramp and gradually coasted to a stop.

The marketing associate said, “This car is obviously defective. Let’s order a new one.”

The hardware technician said, “No, the problem’s just in the brake lines. Let me climb underneath the car and fix them.”

The software engineer said, “Let’s push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again.”
(spoken like a true programmer)

55

Q:What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?

A:His Partner
Q:Why do men name their dicks?

A:Because we don’t want total strangers making 90% of all our decisions for us
“You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background,” sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.

“If I wasn’t under oath, I’d return the compliment,” replied the witness.

56

Forgive me if this is over some of you dopers heads, so I’ll provide a little background.

Back in World War 1, there were 2 dominating German airplane comapies, Fokker, and Halberstadt. Now, keep in mind 2 things, this is a joke for history enthuiasts, the everyday joe could care less, and, you MUST use the accent when neccesary.

A high-school history teacher had a World War 1 veteran to speak to the class. He was involved in the trench warfare on the French fronts.
Veteran -* The battle was very fierce. I remember a time when I was stuck in a trench because of enemy fire. Then, a Fokker came down from here, firing rounds all over the place. Then, another Fokker came down from this side, and he was shooting at us too.*
Teacher(interupting) - Now class, a Fokker was a German aircraft that was used in the war
Veteran - Oh no ma’am, these Fokkers were Halberstadt’s…

hahahahaha…

57

My dog doesn’t have a nose.

How does he smell?

Awful.