I think there’s a fine line on that, but as a child gets older you can figure out their taste preferences. I loathe eggs, and refuse to cook them except on rare occassions when I’m making an omelet for Ivylad, and even then the smell of them makes me gag. When I was a teenager, my grandmother made a quiche for dinner and insisted I eat it or go to bed without dinner. I tearfully ate the little I could pick out, then went to bed and cried. If a child refuses to eat a certain food, don’t force it. Turning their nose up at the plate of meatloaf just means they can eat the mashed potatoes and green beans that are also on their plate. But IMHO allowing her to flat out refuse to try a new food is an error. Ask her to eat a bite. She may be afraid of it because it’s new, and she may surprise herself. Cutting food into star shapes, or telling her to pretend she’s a dinosaur so big she can eat the broccoli “trees” can help make mealtime fun.
I know I am repeating other advice, but these are things I think are really crucial and bear repeating.
Do give choices when you can–but make sure either choice is fine with you. I found it takes some practice to strategically figure out where and when to offer choices, but you get better at it.
fessie is dead on: kids this age really need help with transitions. It’s hard to stop something or change locales. The timer can be helpful, as will advance notice like “we have to go in 5 minutes.” Saying “bye-bye” to the park or the swings is also a good thing.
Don’t underestimate the role that hunger can play in irritability.
I tried to remember that it was, essentially, my son’s job to figure out the world, including testing limits and investigating parental reactions to behaviors. He’s not being difficult, or a brat, on purpose–he’s doing what he has to do.
At the hardest moments, I tried to imagine that my gentle, patient, wonderful late Grandmother S.was in the room. How would she handle this? How would I handle this if I knew she was there as a witness? It saved me (and my son) from my temper and my rashest impulses more than a few times.
As the mother of two fine, upstanding, decent, ambitious and all that other good stuff young men, both of whom were murderous little thugs as toddlers and preschoolers—okay, and well into school aged years—I feel qualified to weigh in.
And I have a few pieces of advice.
One: as was said before, pick your battles. If it isn’t worth it, IT ISN’T WORTH IT. Don’t expend your parental capital on things that don’t matter, like clothing choices.
Two: food doesn’t have to be one of those battles. I read somewhere that it takes 15 exposures to a new food before a kid will give it a real try. So I always put something on the table that my sons would eat, like bread or pasta or broccoli, along with the rest of the meal. They ate what they wanted—of the food I made—and sometimes tried the other things. Most of the time, eventually they tasted the new stuff and usually liked it.
Three: Put 'em to bed. Early. You need a life and you need a marriage (if you’ve got one—if not, you still need adult time). Seriously, as a mother and a teacher I really, really wish people would put their children to bed at a decent hour, which, for a toddler who’s no longer taking naps, should be no later than 7:00pm.
Last, and most important. Children, and maybe everyone else, are usually the most unlovable when they need the most love. Man, that was the hard one.
When one of mine has a tantrum, I do something completely unexpected or out of character. (At home. I’ve not yet tried this for public tantrums, but I might.)
For example, when my oldest had a meltdown the other day, I crawled under the kitchen table and just sat there, quietly humming to myself. He got curious and came to find out what I was doing. End of tantrum. When my middle son had a full-blown tantrum, I hid behind the vacuum cleaner. He started giggling, and forgot what he was so upset about.
Once, I jumped up, gasped, and ran to the bathroom, yelling frantically. When middle kid followed, I said, with great urgency, “I have to brush my teeth RIGHT NOW!” He looked panicked for a moment, and then wanted his toothbrush too. Tantrum forgotten.
It sounds a little weird, I admit, but it’s worked well so far. I just have to keep coming up with new weird things to do.
That was a great story, and as the dad of a toddler, I will attest that the point of that story is one that should be taken to heart.
There is an element of power struggle to toddler parenting, but one should not be paranoid about it. Kids like to please and cooperate and enact routines just as much as they like to feel they have some positive determination on events.
-FrL-
We thrive on my 2 yo’s anticipation of the future. If she doesn’t want to go to bed at night, I remind her of fun things we’ll be doing the next day that she needs to rest up for. So far it works.
She’s stopped napping, but she still rests in her crib for 45 minutes after lunch (the length of her CD). For a while it was a battle to get her to rest at all. It only took a few days of telling her she needed to get some rest if she wanted to see her friend “Amy” (which we do every afternoon) before she caught on.
Now, when she finishes her lunch, I ask her what time it is; she says, “Nap THEN Amy!” Some days she looks at me with a sneaky look on her face (I love the lack of a poker face at this age!) and says “Amy THEN nap!”. But I give her the Mommy Look, and she giggles and says, “Nap first.”
The one thing about the food issue – yes, I agree missing a meal won’t kill 'em. But it will probably make them exceedingly cranky later on, and if you’re out doing things or dealing with some kind of deadline it can be darn near impossible to feed them anything decent then. Chicken nuggets at the drive-thru on the way to the zoo make the afternoon more fun for everyone, and they don’t wreck havoc with the blood sugar the way crackers can.
Just remembered - we have a fun ritual at the grocery store. I give each of the twins a banana to peel and eat (using a produce bag for the trash), and then simply buy two more at the checkout line but pay for them twice. I used to give them goldfish, but after the incident in Aisle 22 decided bananas were the way to go.
On bedtime. I firmly believe there is a genetic part to the whole biological clock. My husband and his whole family are a bunch of owls. And my daughter has been that way since birth. At two we’d put her to bed at 8:00 and she’d stroll downstairs at 10:00 with “I can’t fall asleep.”
Sometimes you need to adjust for what is rather than what you would like it to be.
Her bedtime (at 7 years old) is 9:00 pm. Which means she will read books or lie in bed talking to herself until 9:30, when she will fall asleep.
I agree with you Dangerosa - if I were to put mine down at 7:00 p.m., well, either I’d spend 2 hours trying to KEEP them down, or if they did ever adjust to it, they’d just get me up at 6:00 a.m. Do I need that?
All those guidelines - they’re based on bell curves. Which means they generally apply pretty well to about 60% of the population. If someone makes a suggestion try it, sure, give it a go - and if it doesn’t work, pitch the idea. These people are NOT raising YOUR kid.
I read in the Sear’s book on feeding – aim for a balanced week, not a balanced meal or day.
Wonder 9 nailed it: Children are usually the most unlovable when they need the most love. Man, that was the hard one.
fessie hat’s off as a mother of twins that does all the hard lifting.
Sometimes they’re so overstimulated they can’t sleep. We were on a camping trip with my folks and my daughter was so exhausted from the walks and swimming pool and the sightseeing she was unmanageable. So, we got her into bed, but warned her “Just close your eyes…but don’t go to sleep!” I think she was out by the time we got out of the RV. It’s a matter of getting them into a position where they can wind down and relax.
For the “I can’t sleep” I had magic kisses that sadly, now that my children are 14 and 17, don’t work anymore. They’d come out, complaining they couldn’t sleep, and I’d give them the Magic Kiss, which was a quick peck on the forehead, chin, cheeks nose, and lips, with an admonition to run run run quick to bed before the magic wore off. It never failed.
One thing I also learned…don’t lie to your children. Oh, you may have to dumb down the truth for them, but don’t tell them Grandma’s on a long vacation or Mommy has to go out of town for a meeting (really to see a sick relative.) If you want to trust them, they have to trust you, so don’t lie.
I was always a fan of tying their shoelaces together until they’re 4. Less running for the mom.
I have to agree with fessie and Dangerosa–kids have a body clock you can’t entirely circumvent! And I wish you could, because I believe a nightowl kid can be hard on a marriage. My friends with kids who go to bed at 7 pm have several hours of adult alone time every night. With a night owl, you don’t get that on ANY night, unless you hire a sitter.
Admittedly, we’ve found we’re able to do more stuff as a family at night (run to the bookstore, go to a toddler-friendly evening event) that they can’t do, so it’s not all bad. But it’s a special challenge.
Am I the only one who senses a contradiction here? 
I don’t have a toddler yet, but had to hijack and mention that if I could meet this man, I would give him a huge hug and kiss - thanks to him, my 7-week-old son is sleeping through the night (8 hours total last night!). Makes for a very happy and rested Mommy, especially since I’m returning to work in two weeks.
I’m planning to get my SIL a copy of “The Happiest Toddler On The Block” when she and my brother come for Thanksgiving. I just spent a week with my family in Virginia, and they use hand-slaps on my nephew who’s a year old, instead of redirection (I don’t agree with it, but he’s not my kid.). It doesn’t work - he laughs and goes right back to where he was. So I’d like them to have a different option for discipline other than smacking his hand. It actually makes me rather sad because they are fantastic parents, and I don’t think they NEED to spank him. And he’s a funny, happy little kid, and obviously very loved. (I don’t think spanking is the root of all evil, but if they can use other methods on him, I think my SIL would prefer that.)
I spent a ton of time with him this week (my mom babysits him), and he’s a younger toddler, so negotiating with him isn’t really an option :D. But I did spend a lot of time redirecting him or talking to him and explaining everything - he kept trying to hit my son on the head (not out of malice, but he just didn’t realize how little he is), so I would grab his hands before he could get to him and put his hands gently on the baby while saying “Nice touch”. After a couple of days, I was rewarded with my nephew taking my son’s foot in his hand, and putting his head down on the baby while smiling. Very sweet :).
E.
I got something similar from one of my 10yo in Sunday class. The theme of the day was “how can I help Mom and Dad”; one said “breaking glass”. So I say “ooook… I know your Pa is a cop and your Ma a supermarket cashier, so I think I’m not understanding you right. Breaking glass where?” At the recycling 
Last Saturday was my Lilbro’s Bday, which we celebrated at his new (and still not-moved-into) flat. The Nephew’s first Bday is next week; the one thing he’s always, always, always hated, since he was born, is feeling trapped. He needs to be able to move his arms (one of the traits he’s inherited from our side of the family); he can be mummywrapped so long as the wrap stops at the armpits. So when his parents put him into this wraparound thing that ties him up to a chair to give him his 5pm meal I could completely sympathize with the poor kid! They didn’t do it for lunch. So, two things: be coherent and don’t do something that’s not really necessary and that you know will send the kid into fits.
There are night owl kids, I know because I was one…but night owl kids need the same rules as any other kid. Kids NEED sleep, it may be harder for some of them to get sleep but all under 5’s need at LEAST 12 hours. Shit under 10’s need 12 hours!
I am a softie. I have also been a solo parent since my son was 16 mths old. There are two things that are not negotiable; I cooked it you will TRY it! and NOW (7, 7:30, 8 whatever) IS bedtime.
Pick your “this is the time you go to your room and sleep” BUT it also may mean “this is the time you go to your room and scream about the injustice of the world!” (and then sleep!). The real time is the time YOU decide. Once they are in their room ignore everything else…everytime they come out of their room they are begging you for attention. In my experience this worked, “Sweet dreams, I love you. Mummy is busy now so if you come out of bed I can’t tuck you in again”. Everytime he sneaked out I pretended he was invisible.
Same goes for food. The rule in my house was ONE spoonful of everything. That is it…one spoonful and you are done, FINISHED. It is amazing how that simple rule will let even the most adamant “I hate” beans or a bit of fish or one leaf of salad (my son’s pet peeves) have a try.
But this didn’t work in our house. For years we tried earlier bedtimes. We tried a 7:30 bedtime with a toddler and she wouldn’t fall asleep until 10. We cut out naps and we had a cranky toddler who wouldn’t fall asleep until 10. We had one that would occationally rage, but usually just lie quietly, not asleep. Seriously, when I say she’d be getting out of bed at 10:00 with “I can’t fall asleep” I mean that there were occations where she would lie quietly in bed for two hours not falling asleep - not getting up - we’d managed by then to train them fairly well that the tolerance for glasses of water and would you please tuck me in again was very limited. What good is it doing her to lie in bed? One of the first rules of adult insominia is get out of bed - don’t make bed a place where you do other things. Why shouldn’t it be the same for kids?
And because Mommy and Daddy have to get to work, sleeping in isn’t an option. So she is a kid who gets nine-ten hours of sleep.
Adults don’t have the same needs as kids nor should they have same rules as kids. Children NEED more sleep then adults, that’s it in a nutshell. Children WILL resist sleep because not sleeping gives them more attention time, more time with mummy and daddy (even If they are in bed they KNOW that attention is just a shout down the hallway).
Just being in bed on your own is the step BEFORE being able to get to sleep on your own.
It is the hardest thing in the world to leave a bad/non sleeping child to their own devices but it does work! Seriously I know it is very hard but I have seen the effects in the classroom of children who have not have had enough sleep.
If I could have have my time back (my son turned 15 last week) I would have given up the food battles but sleep matters!
No more than telling your kids about Santa Claus. I’m talking about the big stuff, like Grandma’s dying, or Fido got hit by a car and is not coming home. Kids outgrow Santa Claus, just like they outgrow magic kisses.