Have you ever dated someone who you were sure only liked you “in theory”? I’ve been dating a woman who is awesome in a lot of ways but I’m always getting the distinct impression that she doesn’t really like me as a person. I’d rather not get into details yet, one because I’ve neglected examining it very closely so it’s more feeling than data. Plus I could just be crazy. FTR I am a male in my late 40s, widower to be exact. Feel free to ask questions. Or suggest a better thread title.
How old is she?
Does she only drop by for booty calls?
Has she asked to be put on your AMEX account?
You haven’t really provided much information for people to go on.
To answer your question, no, I’ve never dated someone that didn’t like me.
What you’re saying is:
She won’t admit she likes you
And so, how are you ever to know?
She only tells you,
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps
A million times you’ve asked her,
And then you ask her over again
She only answers
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps
If she can’t make her mind up
You’ll never get started
And you don’t wanna wind up
Being parted, broken-hearted.
OK more details: About me:
I’m a business owner with 4 kids 3 in college. Black, if that matters.
She’s a few years older, but looks younger than me with 1 kid in college, semi-retired. She’s also black.
I wanted to sit down and write a long list of all the things that trouble me but it seems nitpicky. FTR she claims to love me, but I just can’t help feeling like she’s dating me because on paper we make a good match.
How long have you been dating her?
About 3 months seriously.
Unless she’s only in it for the sex or she sees you as her sugar daddy, most women don’t continue to date people they don’t like.
ETA: Does she think that you are insecure?
What makes you think she doesn’t like you? Is she verbally mean to you or overly emotional? Or is it the opposite direction where you don’t feel like she’s exhibiting enough passion and seems kind of emotionally flat?
What about you? Do you like her?
No, in fact I’d say just the opposite if I was going to label either of us that way. I sometimes feel she hates when I talk to any woman that’s not her.
She mutters under her breath a lot. She can be mean when she’s “teasing”. I’d say she’s overly emotional at times. I can elaborate on this if you’d like.
Yes, I do. She’s personable, and beautiful. She can be wonderfully supportive. We have great sex. Our parenting styles are in sync. But I swear there seems to be hostility beneath her demeanor. Its hard to put my finger on it. That’s why I’m asking, I’d be happy to find I’m paranoid or over thinking things.
Just from the few things you’ve posted here, it doesn’t sound to me like you’ve overthinking. If you’re feeling uneasy, it’s for a reason. It sounds to me like you have a gut feeling about her and it’s not good, but you’re trying to talk yourself out of feeling that way. As Leroy Jethro Gibbs says, “Go with your gut.” The brain in your gut is smarter than the brain in your head. Pay attention to it.
My 2 cents.
Have you talked to her about how you’re feeling? How has she responded?
I’d like it if you could elaborate. Because on their own, none of those things automatically point to “she doesn’t like you.” They are more garden-variety personality flaws. But like ThelmaLou pointed out, if they are making you uneasy and insecure then you should discuss it with her.
I think the answer is likely to be found in the nitpicky details, so please do share.
(And I like hearing these kinds of nitpicky details, okay?)
It sounds like you’re on the cusp of her being at ease enough with you that she’s letting her guard slip and you’re seeing her personality raw and uncensored. Everybody has an ugly side that people in relationships know about, though some are uglier than others. At some point you may find that she likes you a lot, but you don’t particularly like her anymore. I say that in the blind though, it seems there’s more details you have yet to share…
My ex didn’t like me, we were much in love on a number of levels and also had incredible sex chemistry, but it turned out she was sure she could change me into the person she wanted me to be, and as she realized what a dedicated fuckup I was her dislike really started to show. I ended it pretty durned fast after I realized that. Me and my current sweety have been together 29 years and are the best of friends there ever was. We’re leaving tomorrow for a week of camping together out in the middle of the bumfuck middle of nowhere desert at the end of the road, we’ll read, write, cook, talk, hike, birdwatch, I might even get lucky one night in the tent haha, and we never get tired of each other’s company. If you ain’t got that, why bother?
Are your personalities similar or at least complementary? Like, are you a strong introvert while she’s a strong extrovert (or vice versa)? Is one of you a non-emotional thinker while the other is an emotional feeler? Do you like to plan things out while she’s a spontaneous type?
Although you haven’t given us a lot to go on, it sounds like your sense of humor might differ. I say this because her “teasing” comes off mean to you. It’s possible she’s used to relationships where a little reciprocal ribbing is the norm; the test for this is how self-deprecating she is. I sometimes tease my fiancé for being sappy, but I only do so because he makes fun of this quality in himself. Conversely, he teases my humorous shortcomings too.
If she makes time to be with you and initiates affection, these are positive predictors of her liking you.