Here’s your new vocabulary word for the day: sheeeyit. Not to be confused with shit; i.e. excrement or what you yell when you stub your toe. Sheeeyit is a far more versatile and useful word. Here are just two examples:
Sheeeyit meaning “yes”:
Haircut Girl: “Would you like a shampoo and conditioning treatment today?”
Ben: Sheeeyit.
Sheeeyit meaning “no”:
Ben’s Co-Worker: “Get laid this weekend?”
Ben: Sheeeyit.
I guess it’s partly about how you say it and about your body language.
So anyway, I was watching infomercials at about 2:30 this morning. I had a friend named Alex who was an advertising/marketing major in college, and he pointed out to me that you can tell who the TV ad execs think you are by the commercials they run during the shows you watch. For example, during daytime TV, you see tons of commercials for household cleaning products, particularly laundry detergent (which is how soap operas got their name; the early ones were all sponsored by the detergent makers), because they assume that if you’re sitting at home watching TV at 1PM, you’re probably a housewife. If you watch an NFL game, on the other hand, it’s all about cola, trucks and beer. And if you watch Power Rangers or Blue’s Clues in the morning, it’s all ads for fruit snacks, breakfast cereal, and toys.
Armed with this insight, I watched infomercials. Near as I can tell, they seem to think I’m (a) fat; (b) underemployed and undereducated; and (c) horny.
(a) fat
There are sooooo many commercials for diet pills and exercise machines late at night. I can just see the as execs, picturing me, a 34 year old single woman with six cats, eating Breyers straight out of the tub as I watch TV alone all night. Next time you see a commercial for an exercise machine, play Exercise Machine Bingo. Write the words “fast,” “easy,” and “fun” on a piece of paper and cross them off when you hear them spoken. Believe me, you’ll win every time. What does it say about them - and us - that those are the universal selling points?
(b) underemployed and undereducated
Soooo many commercials for those “get your degree from the comfort of your home” and “learn medical billing in just six short weeks” programs on late at night. Apparently, people who watch TV late at night must not have good jobs to get up for in the morning. One of these commercials actually led off with “Is not having your high school diploma keeping you from getting the job of your dreams?” Sheeeyit. The next line should have been “If you answered ‘yes,’ then you need some better dreams, kid.”
(c) horny
The advertisers attack this problem on two fronts: dating services for those who can get it up but have no place to put it, and boner pills for those in the reverse situation. One of these pills in particular, Cialis, had a great ad on last night. During the obligatory “read the fine print quickly at the end of the commercial” part, the announcer said “in the rare event you experience an erection that lasts more than four hours, seek medical attention immediately, as this may indicate a serious health problem.”
Sheeeyit. If I have an erection that lasts more than four hours, ladies, I’m not the one who’s going to need the medical attention. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. 