http://twitter.com/shitmydadsays
A few of the better gems:
“Who in the fuck is tila tequila? Is she a stripper?..That’s her? Yeah, that’s a stripper, son, I don’t give a shit what you say.”
“What are you listening to?..I know who Hall & Oates are god dammit. It’s the mustache guy and the gay man.”
“Your brother brought his baby over this morning. He told me it could stand. It couldn’t stand for shit. Just sat there. Big let down.”
“It’s just a fucking june bug, calm down. Jesus Christ, what happens when something bigger than a testicle attacks you?”
This explains life according to our dogs pretty succinctly:
“The dog don’t like you planting stuff there. It’s his backyard. If you’re the only one who shits in something, you own it. Remember that.”
Another weird one I’m enjoying lately: http://twitter.com/search?q=%23FailedJeffFoxworthyRoutines
(Ok, found this via Weird Al Yankovic’s twitter via Drew Carey’s Price is Right Twitter. I guess I need to get out more.)
This is indeed my favourite Twitter feed. I don’t even have Twitter, but I read this every day.
So old man + lots of swearing = funny?
Huh.
That dad is hilarious!
The man is completely wrong about Kate Beckinsale though.
Judging from her photos, that is. I have no idea who the hell she is. But I like the photos!
This is my new favorite thing.
It’s not so much the old man and the cussing, as much as being so hilariously dismissive of everything.
I like this one, too - always full of uplifting sayings. YouLookGreat.
Oh, man. That’s pretty funny tell-it-like-it-is stuff.
(watching the Little League World Series) “These kids are all fat. I remember when you were in little league… You were fat.”
“You need to flush the toilet more than once…No, YOU, YOU specifically need to. You know what, use a different toilet. This is my toilet.”
This. I’ve said this. Is this my future?
Sounds like every other old man I’ve ever met, including my dad. This is good, though:
“I’m having a Makers Mark, you want one? What? 7up? I ain’t mixing fucking makers with 7up. Might as well put a lil’ fucking umbrella in it”
Yes, it is your future.
:: said while using car keys to dig at ear wax::
Sounds like it’s your present!
Don’t worry, there are much worse futures.
That’s not tell-it-like-is. That’s just being a crank.
The kids in that series don’t look fat to me.
True, “tell-it-like-it-is” was the wrong choice of words. I meant he says exactly what’s on his mind, consequences be damned.
I’m laughing my ass off. Everything this guy says is gold. I love this guy.
“You know, sometimes it’s nice having you around. But now ain’t one of those times. Now gimmie the remote we’re not watching this bullshit.”
“Your mother rented this film, What Happens In Vegas. I thought it was going to be non-fiction, but it’s fiction, and it’s about some idiot.”
“It’s watering plants, Justin. You just take a God damned hose and you put it over the plant. You don’t even pay rent, just do it. Shit.”
“The dog is an outside dog. You want an inside dog, you go get your own inside.”
For some reason, I can’t help but read the dad’s utterances in the voice of the late Lawrence Tierney. Also, he’s hilarious -thanks for posting this.
Get off my lawn! mumble mumble whippersnapper…