That’s just it though - to me, the kid is obviously figuring it out on her own right now, and my ex-wife doesn’t want her to. She’s making it more difficult for the child to figure it out on her own.
To be clear, I’m not so concerned that my daughter will grow up unable to separate fantasy from reality. Rather, I wonder what effect this sort of thing has on the child’s relationship with the parent, and with schoolmates who almost assuredly know the Disney princesses are pretend.
It’s probably not as big of a deal as it felt like it was when I was being accosted for robbing my daughter of one of her last bits of innocence, but I do think it’s a very odd thing to push on your kid.
Heh, I was coming into this thread to suggest exactly that approach. I’m not a big fan of Santa but I wasn’t going to try and sit 3 year olds down and say, “everyone else is lying to you.”
My philosophy is I neither work for Santa or against him. When my kids ask me questions about Santa or how he does stuff I just ask the question back to them as if they know the answer. Presents show up on Christmas morning. The kids can think whatever they want about where they came from.
My 12 year old probably stopped believing in Santa at about age 8. My 9 year old won’t stop despite propaganda and mocking from the 12 year old.
So I agree with your “what do you think?” approach. And your ex trying to get the kid to believe the Disney princesses are real? Crazy.
Just dropping by to reccomend the work of Bruno Bettleheim. It was recommended to me after I’d ranted against “toning down” fairy tales because I view them as useful training tools in their original forms, which was Bettelheim’s view as well. His books are very well-written, easy to follow. (And I now see he was mentioned already - twice!)
I think it is important to be critic of the stories your kids are exposed to: do they include any messages you’d rather not give your kid (“girls must be rescued and swoon, that’s all they’re good for”), do they upset the kid (“why are wolves always bad! WAAAAAAAH” - our lastname means wolf)? But as I said, they make for good training tools.
Do you never read a novel? Never watch a movie? I’ve got news: DNA analysis take more than five seconds to run! There’s nothing wrong with fantasy, and a lot wrong with wanting a little kid to think like a grown up. Figuring out “reality” vs “invented” is an important part of growing up, it can’t be imposed or hurried up.
The messed up thing is the mother trying to stop the child from figuring it out. Most parents don’t even do that with Santa Claus. When the kid figures it out, the jig is up.
I think the kid is going to think mom is stupid (or worse, a liar) for a little while. While that doesn’t usually happen when both parents are on the same page, kids from a divorce constantly seem to try to figure out which parent to trust.
But, note, that is a rather small consequence that she’ll likely get over rather quickly as long as Mom isn’t teaching her other falsehood, or isn’t otherwise a bad parent.
My citation is my experience babysitting divorced kids.
Both J.K. Rowling in her Beedle the Bard tale and Terry Pratchett make fun of “toning down” fairy stories, read those passages to her! (The Amazing Maurice … is aimed esp. at kids, and to what degree we need fairy tales; the same point is in Hogfather: why humans need to believe in Santa - as practice for believing in justice and humanity and fairness; Witches Abroad is a closer look at several fairy tales come true, as well as poking fun at Disneyworld vs. New Orleans. Remember that there is an annotated Pratchett site for the background).
And “Politically correct bedtime stories” (two volumes now) are a satirical reworking of well-known fairy-tales.
Part of growing up is also discovering that adults generally, and parents esp., are not Gods, or all-knowing: some are unreliable, all make mistakes, and some have their own agenda.
I know some adults/ parents believe they should never admit mistakes to children because it would cause them problems; I’m always for admitting mistakes.
Similar, the fact that your ex-wife sees things different should just be pointed out by you, not to bad-mouth your ex-wife, just that people have different opinions, and daughter will have to figure out for herself where her opinion is
I don’t want to say “figure out where her truth is” because that sounds like people who reject objective reality; but in the case of Princesses, it’s a bit like wave-particle answer: on different levels, princesses exist, because all little girls dream of being pampered, allowed to eat ice cream and ride ponies and wear pink, and there’s nothing wrong with dreaming a bit about it, so in a way, Disney princesses exist alongside real princesses.
Fairy tails are ways of teaching things to children in a manner they understand, like fiction works today, myths of old, or parables that Jesus and others told. They are a basic way that humanity has used to teach and communicate ideas and ideals and as such are part of a healthy human experience.
You can’t hide fairy tails from children. In trying to do so you are creating a disconnect between the child and his/her piers, or between your child and you if she accepts the fairy tales despite what you teach about them . It could also lead to a false sense of mental superiority which may be isolating for a child.
I don’t see any harm in it. Your daughter will come to know they’re just stories on her own. However, if your ex has been insistent for some reason that any story is real, that seems a little weird.
For example, she doesn’t have to address the factual nature of the story going in - it’s not necessary to have a disclaimer, “Before we read this, this story isn’t real.” But, if your daughter is asking whether the princesses are real, it would be odd if your ex for some reason insisted they were.
I think it’s harmless for children to believe in Santa Claus or fairies, and I think the process of figuring out whether or not such creatures are “real” is a great way to develop critical thinking skills.
I must have been about 6 when the Little Mermaid came out, and I had certainly read a bunch of fairy tales around that time. It didn’t even occur to my parents or any of the other adults around me to try to say there was any reality to them. Like others have said, I certainly had a level of pretending it was true – but I knew it wasn’t. And my parents definitely did Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy, too, though it was at around this age that I started having suspicions about them.
Your daughter will be fine, but your ex-wife sounds a little like she’s a mess. And setting herself up for your daughter not listening to her at all.
Me, I don’t really have a problem with a little kid believing in fairy tales. Like other posters have said, as the kid grows and gets a better grasp of what is and is not realistic, they’ll stop believing in them on their own.
On the other hand, deliberately and systematically lying to a child rubs me the wrong way, badly. When the kid realizes that you’ve been intentionally deceiving her for years, how can she trust anything that you’ve taught her?
Tell the stories. Let the kid believe them as long as they want to, but when they start questioning if they’re actually real don’t lie to the child. Congratulate them on their critical thinking skills and take pride that she’s growing up well. Sheesh.
Robbing a child of her innocence would be telling her this stuff is fake when she still believed. Telling her it is real when she is figuring out that it isn’t is robbing her of her reason.
Your strategy of asking what she thinks worked for us for the Santa Claus issue, with the benefit that my older daughter gained confidence in her reasoning abilities.
Mr. Rogers distinguished the Neighborhood of Make Believe from the real world, and had the trolley as a transition from one to another. Telling kids that Cinderella is wonderful make believe (or which ever one you want) is fine, and they are perfectly capable of suspending disbelief and acting as the characters and stories are real when it is fun. It also lets you read several versions and not have to try to explain the contradictions.