My son’s college graduation (associates degree) is coming up this Friday night. I’ve been divorced from his dad (his choice to divorce) for about 15 years. The first 8-10 years after the divorce were relatively amiable, and we co-parented fairly well; but for some reason in the past 5-6 years or so, my ex has decided to become hostile and angry towards me. He has refused my repeated overtures to get together and talk about our son’s educational plans (he still has two more years to get his BS). He’s done some things over the years that have really annoyed me, but for the most part I’ve chosen to ignore it. I’m not sure why he decided to become hostile in these past years, and it really doesn’t matter to me. I just parent my son as if I’m a single mom, and leave his dad to work out his relationship with our son on his own.
Now my son tells me that, after the graduation on Friday, he and his new wife are planning to take him (and a couple of other family members) out to dinner to celebrate. My son said his dad wanted to know if my SO and I would like to attend; from the way the invitation was phrased, it seems as though we would be guests of my ex.
I am torn as to whether to attend for my son’s sake, so he can have an enjoyable graduation; or just tell my son to thank his dad for the invitation but that we will celebrate on our own another night. I’m puzzled as to why his dad would extend this invitation, given that he has refused to speak to me, except via some rather nasty letters, for at least three years. It would be a very awkward meal to be sure; I really have nothing to say to him or anyone else at this dinner except for my son, but I am quite able to make polite conversation for two hours.
Should I go on the off-chance that his dad has thawed and it is the beginning of dialogue between his dad and me (although seriously I doubt this), or politely decline the invitation and allow things to go on as they are? Any insights?
If your son wants you to go, then go. Since other relatives will be present, not just your ex and his new wife, it shouldn’t be too uncomfortable. If it was just your ex and his wife, I wouldn’t go.
On the other hand, if your ex is hosting the dinner, he should have been the one to extend the invitation. It’s not really an invitation to say “Ask your mom if she wants to come.”
On the other other hand, since things have been tense between you, I’d skip it, and host your own celebration. If your ex really wanted you there, he would have asked you himself. He might not want your son to think he’s slighting you.
Pam, you hit it on the head. It seems odd that he didn’t call or at least send an email himself to invite me, I wonder if he is indeed doing it so our son doesn’t think he’s leaving me out. I wonder that he is secretly hoping I will say no!
On the other hand, maybe Ex thought you would not respond/pick up the phone/answer his email, because of the way things were left last time. I mean, I don’t know the guy but maybe he thought your son was the method whereby the message was most likely to reach its recipent AND be received positively.
Anyway, I think the best course of action is really to ask the happy graduate if he would rather you attended or stayed away, making clear that BOTH options are fine with you.
Ask your son what he wants; do what your son prefers. It’s his day.
Make it clear to your son and your ex that you won’t be discussing any of the various relationship/money/etc issues you have with your ex - you are there to celebrate and be cheerful and that’s it. If things start to get touchy or hostile, you will leave; not to cause a scene, but because that isn’t the purpose of this dinner.
Do your best to prevent things from getting out of hand, and be a good guest.
Call your Ex. Tell him you Son mentioned this dinner and you are unclear as to whether this is intended as an invitation. Ask whether he would like for you and your SO to attend. Use that wording “Would you like. . .”
Did the onset nastiness by any chance coincide with his wish to spend money on his (now) bride? It’s been my observation that nastines by ex-spouses generally rises and falls with the level of financial stress the child(ren) are causing.
I find it odd that you are going through all this “graduation” fervor for an Associates with a person who plans to continue on to a Bachelor’s degree. I’ve never heard of anyone doing that before.
I’m not sure what prompted the nastiness, I just assume it’s got nothing to do with me but he’s just taking out the nasty on me. I don’t take it personally.
Not really graduation fervor, just attending the ceremony to mark the occasion. I hadn’t planned to go to dinner, that was my ex’s idea. My son has learning disabilities, just the fact that he has gotten this far in college (with a decent GPA) is quite an accomplishment for him, we are recognizing that. He’s 21 and just finishing an associates, at a time when many of his classmates are nearing graduation for their bachelor’s. I have not informed my family of the event, but I wanted to make it special for him, to show we are proud of him and encourage him to continue.
I’d say go, to be gracious. It’s a chance to show your son how to be gracious in a bad situation; I don’t know how your son’s dating life is, but every young man benefits from seeing that couples CAN be civil after a breakup, even if they really don’t get along. And it doesn’t sound like it’d be that awful. Definitely more weight on the positive side than the negative possibilities.
I agree. I don’t know to what extent you son is aware of the recent issues between you and your ex, but given this is supposed to be a celebration for your kid, I’d do as he wishes.
Also, I wouldn’t assume that the ex is planning to pay for you. If this really is an invitation just for appearances, he may have no intention of playing host. If your son wants you to go, do so, and go prepared to pay for yourselves.
Once it comes time to pay the check, just quietly follow your ex’s lead. He will either grab it and pay it himself, or he’ll pay for part of it and hand it to you for your share. (Or perhaps he will tell the server upfront that there will be separate checks.)
Based upon what you’ve described re: your relationship with your ex, I would vote “no go”.
Are you and your ex very different in how you parent your son? If so, it may also be disconcerting for your son for you both to be there together as well. There have been studies done of adult children of divorce (when parents divorced when they were kids) that the most stressful events are when both of their parents are together again. Mainly, because most likely the kids have slightly different behaviors that they exhibit around each of their different parents. The bringing of the parents together results in “worlds colliding” scenario that can be very stressful for the kids.
I would do my own separate celebration. Why go through all that angst? However, if it’s really important to your son that you be there, then suck it up and go.
Meh, your kid’s 21. Not 18. Unless he’s totally clueless, he knows your relationship with his dad isn’t good. Take him out to dinner on your own. It’d be different if he was at a formative age where this stuff mattered, but he’s an adult and you’re adults too. I don’t think it’s important to pretend that you and your ex get along when you don’t.
Do not do this. It isn’t your son’s responsibility to mediate you relationship with your ex. Put your big girl pants on and make the decision yourself.
You have been invited by your son to take part in a major life event and your thinking of your relationship with your ex?
Put the bad blood aside, go and support your son. Nothing says you have to faun all over your ex. Be cordial. If your ex pursues conversation, be polite and dismissive.
This is about your boy and a major life achievement