Should I call him back or not?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Lately I’ve been sort-of seeing this guy; we’ve gone out a couple of times, I’ve been over to this apartment, a little flirtation but nothing hugely serious.

The thing is, I like him–he’s smart, thoughtful, funny, and sweet. He’s a good guy.

But he’s late for everything, each time we go out. The last straw was a couple of days ago, when he was supposed to come up to my house. He was supposed to call me between six and seven p.m. for directions; a little after seven o’clock, he called and said, “Oh, I’m just finishing up a few things, I’ll call you when I’m done…”

I said something along the lines of “Don’t bother”–politely–and hung up. Is it worth it to call him back?

2

I say yeah.

The whole punctuality thing just might not be as important to him and his, as it is to you. But maybe if he knew it was upsetting you, and he has the same feelings for you as you do for him, he would go about watching the clock a little bit more closely.

There’s the possibility that he could be inconsiderate, but its worth finding out if maybe he’s just a little bit aloof. If you can’t work this out here and now, what chance do you have of working through any future relationships? There’s always going to be issues with whoever you’re spending time with. You don’t have anything to lose by seeing if he’s interested in resolving this one.

Call him back. I think you’re overreacting.

This is coming from someone that makes it a point to be 10-20 minutes early to just about everything.

3

He should have called between the times he said he would.

When he did call, he should have been less vague about when he would call again.

Stuff like that is annoying.

Should you call him? I dunno. How many other fish have you got in your creel?

4

Personally, I think I’d tell him the lateness is a problem, give him one more chance, and if he still didn’t make an effort to be prompt then I’d write him off. I always try to be punctual when I make plans with someone, and I hold other people to the same standards I hold myself to.

5

I would call him and explain to him that this punctuality issue is important to you. I think that the “Don’t bother” may have been a bit abrupt, though you said you did it politely, and I believe you. The thing is, have you said anything about his lateness before? If you’ve just been suffering in silence, then it’s likely he had no idea it bothered you–a lot of chronically late people are just jerks who think they’re the most important thing in the world and that everyone and everything will wait for them, but conversely, many chronically late people are just disorganized, sometimes to a point that surprises others. If you like him, it’s worth finding out, at the very least, what kind of late person he is.

6

It would be a deal breaker for me. I don’t give a damn about the reason why someone fails to live up to the expectations they set for themselves, it is still rude and massively disrespectful to waste someone’s time like that.

7

Agree with everything. The guy could be a jerk or just completely clueless. The OP should call and give hin one chance to find out.

8

What **Telperien **said. Have a calm and heartfelt discussion about why his being late doesn’t work for you. Start there. Then, if he still continues the behavior and it’s a deal breaker, at least you’ll know he’s making a choice, not just being a ditz. He may very well have thought (despite what he may have said) that you had plans to do something sort kinda sometime tonight. No, I have no idea how people lack fundamental communication skills like this, but lots of them do, and think that the times you mention are modified by “ish”, and that “ish” means anytime within about 2 hours of the stated and agreed upon time. Since it’s likely no one has ever called him on it, it’s up to you to do it, if you want to try and make a relationship work. Just let him know what “late” means to you - 10 minutes? 20? 2? And how you want him to handle it when he’s going to be late - call you before the time you agreed on, or 10 minutes after, or jump off a bridge?

I had to have this conversation with a very good friend of mine about a year ago. She was chronically late, terribly late, the kind of person the whole group of friends would lie to about when we were meeting to try and get her there only rather late instead of abysmally late. Finally I just sat her down and told her how much I love her and I love spending time with her, but her tardiness was making me tense up and get anxious and angry whenever we had plans, and it wasn’t working for me. I added that we, as parents of several kids between us, needed to knock off our shit and set a better example for our kids, and that helped pound the message home. Finally I told her that I didn’t care, and her kids and partner don’t care, if there are a few dishes in the sink and the bookshelves aren’t dusted before she leaves - her commitment to the people she has plans with are more important. It took her a long time to believe that (in her defense, it was because she came out of a 14 year abusive marriage where if everything wasn’t perfect when she left the house, she’d come home later and pay for it.) Anyway, our little heart to heart really helped, as did making a few reminder calls when we had plans. Instead of sitting and fuming knowing she’d be late again, I’d simply call her 20 minutes before we were to meet to tell her it was time to start getting the kids dressed and take the dog out to pee and load the car.

9

See, I think you should have said something right there, like “What happened, I thought you going to leave before 7pm?”. If he gets offended and brushes you off, then you know how he feels about you. I personally would just make a little comment the next time we made plans, like “Is that 8pm Boy Time, or will you really be here at 8pm”. But having a more formal talk about it works too, if you are still interested.

10

Let him know in no uncertain terms that it upsets you, and set up another meeting.

Do not hint; be blunt, if necessary. Many of us guys are either extremely clueless about social communications, or have actual difficulties perceiving it, and we may not pick up a hint. Even if we do pick up the hint, we may not realise the importance of the issue to you.

If, after all that, he’s still late, you’ll know his priorities.

Edit after seeing the rest of WhyNot’s post: …either his conscious priorities, or the things he has difficulties with.

[sub]Way to go, Kyth! :slight_smile: [/sub]

11

My thought is after you essentially hung up on him, do you think he will be receptive to your call at all? You seem to be under the impression that he understands that he was late and you called him on it. For all you know, he could be clueless and been thinking “whoa, glad I didn’t get involved with this fruitloop”. Either way I say don’t call. When you first start dating someone and are already thinking about what you need to change, get out now before it becomes harder to do.

12

If he was truly thoughtful, he’d be on time for things and keep his commitments as he made them. I wouldn’t call him back. I’d move on to some guy who actually made me a priority in his busy life.

Actually, the only reason I’d call him back is to tell him why we aren’t seeing each other any more. Something like, “I need punctuality because I give punctuality, and you don’t measure up.” Or phrased nicer than that.

13

I’m going to vote mostly for the don’t call column. As Foxy40 said, if you’re getting this annoyed with a general trait of his before you even really have a serious relationship, it doesn’t auger well for the future.

Having said that, if you want to do what Telperien suggested, I won’t say that’s a bad idea. Relationships are about compromise, after all, and if he’s at all interested, I’d think that he might even be flattered to be told that “I like you, but if this doesn’t change I can’t deal with you.” It would imply to me, that you have hopes for a deeper relationship, and that you’re being very adult about this.

(Or to be less wordy about it, in your shoes I’d not be the better person, I’m afraid. ;))

14

Depending on the family he grew up in, he may honestly not understand that he was being rude and obnoxious. Give him a call and explain it. Once

We finally cured a buddy of mine in college. A group of us were going for a show. We said we were leaving my place at a specific time. We gave him five minutes, and then left without him. We left him a note on the door with his ticket in an envelope. The note just said, “We left on time. See you there.”

He was thoroughly miffed that he had to drive over an hour by himself and pay for parking and gas, but he got the point.

15

I’d give him another chance.

You know, I’m going through a similar thing with the in-laws. In addition to the lateness, they’re completely non-committal on ANYTHING! You can’t make plans. It’s always, “uh, yeah that sounds good. Why don’t you call me Sunday morning and I’ll see if I’m done feeding the horses and then I can think about whether or not we can meet you for lunch.” What. The fuck. I’ve got no patience for it. I work full time and my free time is limited. I need to know what the plan is fercrissakes.

16

I agree with **Telperien ** and Whynot. Have a serious conversation and give it one more shot. You said yourself “he’s smart, thoughtful, funny, and sweet. He’s a good guy.”
Aside from the lateness, he seems like a good fit for you.

17

I’m new here, and nobody knows me, so take this for what it’s worth.

First, I’m insanely compulsive about being on time, even when it doesn’t matter in the least. My friends make fun of me for it. I know it’s silly. And it drives me batty when people are late. I have, or had, zero tolerance for lateness, again even in situations where it doesn’t matter at all. I recognize that this is my problem, and I’ve worked, with a fair amount of success, on it.

Second, my absolute bestest friend in the whole world, a person who is smart and intelligent and just plain good to the core, someone who I love more than any girlfriend I’ve ever had (she’s a woman, I’m a guy, roughly the same age) couldn’t be on time to save her life. Never has been, never will be.

So. . . I think in fairness, you’ve got to give the guy a pass (this time), especially if you hadn’t made it clear to him how important timeliness is to you. If he was supposed to come over to your place, but not, say, to watch a movie, or to eat a meal that required complex, well-timed preparation, he may simply have thought, hey, I’m really looking forward to seeing Kytheria, and as soon as I can get there, I will. Or maybe the time just got away from him. Not everyone has an internal clock.

It would be a one-time pass, of course. But still, people experience time, and manage it, in different ways. Chronic lateness isn’t always evidence of lack of respect for another’s time. Sometimes it is, of course – I’ve known people who were like that, where lateness was just a way of establishing dominance – but it isn’t always like that.

18

If you really like the guy and think it’s worth having an uncomfortable conversation, call him and tell him how you feel about his lateness.

I was you and my fiance was that guy. I didn’t hang up on him, but I did get pretty aggravated with his chronic lateness and blase attitude towards time. It also took a bit of doing for me to get him to understand that it really did bother me, it felt like disrespect, and it was actually a problem. Once he understood that I was serious, we were able to discuss it meaningfully.

I’m not going to tell you he’s the most prompt person, but he at least calls. I have also relaxed my expectations a bit. We met in the middle and it has worked out.

Be prepared that it might not go easy. He might be angry at you for hanging up on him, he might think you are being petty about the time thing. People with a looser sense of promptness often don’t get why it bothers us, honestly don’t get it. Sometimes this is an issue that can be negotiated, sometimes it’s a fundamental incompatibility. IMO, it’s worth a shot, because I’m the kind of person who likes to give things a fair chance, and to feel like I’ve been as clear as I can on my end, before chucking someone.

Hope it works out OK for you, whatever you decide to do.

19

I’m in the don’t call him camp. He is nice and sweet, yadda yadda, but honestly the first few dates you go on with someone are when they are on their very best behavior. They don’t spit, swear, wipe their mouth on their sleeve, etc. This is generally the absolute very best you can expect out of someone, and if he is already doing things that tick you off or that you find unattractive it doesn’t bode well for his future behavior. Also, I am of the opinion that if he was really into you he would be more excited about the opportunity to spend time with you. Being on time would have been important because it means more time to spend with you. He would have called you to tell you he was going to be late not only as a courtesy but also as an excuse to hear your voice.

That being said, this is not 100% always the case, but I have always found that if someone isn’t trying to impress me on a first or second date (or conversely if I am not trying to impress him in those first couple of dates) it is because they are already aware that you aren’t “the one” but they like you enough to give you a chance and hope that they are wrong.

20

Tell him that his lateness irks you. If he keeps it up, then kick him to the curb and hang out with male strippers.