And when come back, bring cake.
I never liked pie much.
I’d just go, with the intention of not interacting with the guy any more than absolutely required by civility. If forced to interact with him, I’d be polite, but not friendly. And if he tries to start shit, I’d be polite but firmly refuse to engage in any shenanigans.
Basically be polite, and if he starts shit, make sure that everyone else sees that HE’S the asshole, not you.
As mentioned, what does his opinion of you or his ex wife’s relationship with you matter? 19 years ago, it maybe could have mattered, but certainly not now.
He’d be there as an invited guest of the 22 year old child. His status as her ex of 20 years is far inferior to your status as her current significant other.
You should have no reason to feel uncomfortable in any way by attending this party. In fact, I’d be so bold as to suggest that your invitation is assumed and attendance expected, given your relationship status.
Let him be the one to post a thread, worrying if he should attend.
I can’t believe the madness of your even *considering *going:
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The kids are throwing the party. This IS significant because a. They invited the other parent. b. They should very well know that Dad hasn’t been part of Mom’s life for 19 years and c. It is a “Fuck you” to you, Shakes. Or else, to Mom. Or, to the both of you, for cutting Dad out of the picture. They are divorced for a reason, and the kids should blamed well know what that reason is. And, they do. You are considering walking into this ambush? You are drunk or possessed.
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Dad is trashing you for your FB pics? Danger! Danger! Shakes Robinson! If he’s not a loon, he wouldn’t be trash talking you. 20 years down the pike, and he’s upset about her new beau??? Better do some hard thinkin’ on this, my friend.
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Tell Mom. She won’t think the less of you, and she may well think you are brilliant to be able to sidestep this horrifying situ. If she gets upset, it should be a red flag for you to take into consideration.
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Get back at the kids by coming by after the party and taking her out for a nice romantic evening.
Best wishes.
You mean, she’s even considering him being there?
Re-think and abandon this course of action.
Can you guess what I’m thinking right now?
It’s time to go look in the mirror again?
As a step parent for nearly 30 years (and now a step grand) I cannot emphasize enough how WRONG that idea is. You have to go and “be nice”. If he behaves like a dick you need to ensure that you cannot even be construed as having started anything.
I assure you, step parenting is tough as when they’re young children you have all of the responsibilities of being a parent with little to none of the privileges as they will always love their father way, way, more than they will ever love you. Best way to alienate your SO is to be hated by her kids, the relationship will be doomed. Society demands that if she’s any kind of a mother, her kids will come first no matter what.
What DigitalC said. Not to mention, it’s your GF’s birthday, not your GF’s daughter’s birthday. Your GF, not her daughter, gets to decide who’s invited.
If for some reason, your GF doesn’t disinvite her ex, go anyway, and be fake nice to him for the few hours the party lasts. (Minimize time spent in the same conversation with him to the extent that you can do so politely, but when you’re interacting with him, be polite and don’t make waves.) Showing up for stuff like this is important.
In the words of the 21st century’s most poignant songwriter:
I’m not sure if Handsome Harry is serious. Let’s go with not. But I like the private dinner/evening/occasion later idea. 
It wasn’t. 
He said he was going to go, people.
I don’t think we were saying he shouldn’t. Other than HH, possibly. (We may have a case of “not all comments were read”, not that that ever happens here. Nope.)
I was merely observing that I thought that the after celebration, sans kids and awkward ex, might be a welcome addition. Just in case she needs to relax. 
Marvellous, sir. You are my new hero.
Yep, I’m serious. We have some **depressed **wanker mooning over some woman, and getting upset at pics of her and her BF. Oh, btw, thanks to the kids, they are going to be together at her birthday party.
How can anybody see any good in this situation??
I’m just completely baffled how a 20 year old thinks Mum would want her ex there, the one who is apparently jealous of her current BF.
I still say ‘go’. But to me the whole thing is weird.
Any updates?
How was the party?
You know a party was good when you have to change your name afterwards.
…or maybe not.
Agreed. This is the correct way if you’re invited. Just smile at the ex and say nothing. That way, you can never be accused of starting anything if there’s a problem.