Should I make my feelings clear to my teacher?

[Frylock]

@gracer

Awkward is kinda in the direction of “peinlich” (the way it’s sometimes used in a weird situation where someone was perhaps a little onbeholfen) - not quite the same, and related to embarrassing but also like uncomfortable. Does that help?

Now, you’re right that telling someone you have feelings for them can be a nice thing, it can sometimes be a compliment. But it’s also a little more complex than that, and you need some social awareness here.

You have indicated to us that you feel that you developed those feelings towards her because she was nice to you and she smiled at you. I know you don’t mean to put “blame” on her for inciting feelings in you, but it is coming a little close.

For a woman and a teacher, and I speak as both, it is really awkward to have students declaring their love for you. And if you tell her that, and especially if you indicate that it is because of anything she did, this is upsetting. She will wonder if she should stop smiling at people, and if she should stop saying really normal things like “you have nice hobbies”. Does that make sense to you? That it isn’t always a compliment to bother her with your personal feelings in this way?

So yes, in a certain way it’s a compliment and it is nice to know that other people like you and find you attractive. But for women, and teachers especially, it can sometimes be different. If you are not trying to do anything to attract people in that way, it makes you question what you have done for this to happen. We live in a society that easily assigns blame to women for smiling and leading men on, while at the same time condemning women who don’t smile enough. You could potentially contribute to this problem for your teacher by revealing your feelings. It doesn’t make you a terrible person, and it doesn’t mean you should never tell people how you feel. It just means that you need to consider that before you speak.

This is a pretty complicated issue, I think. I hope I explained it just a little.

Wow.

Well done!

Maverock, this was a really important post, I hope you pay attention to it.

[Scumpup]

@Martian Bigfoot

Well, he did and he didn’t.

Thank you. I was hoping somebody would get the joke.

[Attack_from_the_3rd_dimension]

You did very well with a difficult situation. Asking her if she wanted to see the game was perfect. If she’d said ‘yes’, you’d have known it was because of an interest in you, as she’d already said she wasn’t interested in football. Saying ‘no’ sent a clear message with no need for a direct shoot down.

Well done.

[Drunky_Smurf]

@Shakes

I love how brave people can be when it’s not their ass that’s on the line.

I love how some people hate that other people have different opinions than them.

Still not too late for a weiner pic.

[Learjeff]

@Mijin

It’s not like the only two options are “do nothing” and “profess undying love”.

The normal pattern for these things is you maybe joke and tease a little just to see how the land lies. Then you invite her to something. The best invitations are where you find something interesting and cool happening, and imply you’re going to it anyway. But does she want to join you?

Maybe a lot of people have been posting “NOOOO!!!” because your odds of success here are not good. Generally, as a guy, you have to get used to asking women out a lot and either being rejected immediately or at some point down the line. And a woman who is confident, pretty and has a job where she meets many people, is likely to have a big circle of guys all trying to make a move.

I’m not trying to dent your confidence, be positive, just don’t bank everything on this working out.

Wise words.

@MaverocK

Then I asked whether she could come to watch the soccer match between German and USA (although I knew she was not interested in soccer, because a couple of weeks ago she said that she was not interested in it)) She said no and she was not interested in it. I got the message. I thought she was not interested in me. Then she suddenly said she will be working in the private course for the whole year and I could come to the course again. I was confused, what did she mention that?

First, good for you for trying. Good for you for waiting for the end of the class.

Next time, try something she’s actually interested in. I disagree with those who think it’s a good idea to pick something she doesn’t like as an acid test to see if she’s interested in you. When you go on a date, the point is for both of you to enjoy it, not to administer a test of her feelings.

So, why did she mention that? To re-establish your relationships as teacher and student. Nothing more, nothing less. Color her out of your romantic plans. Continue to have her as your teacher if and only if you think you’d learn well from her. Also, it wasn’t a good idea to ask her about private tutoring as a way to see more of her. Ask for private tutoring only if you want the learning experience.

@gracer

Now, you’re right that telling someone you have feelings for them can be a nice thing, it can sometimes be a compliment. But it’s also a little more complex than that, and you need some social awareness here.

As mentioned earlier, it’s usually a bad move, romantically, to lead with that! Unless you’re Brad Pitt.

The rest of gracer’s post is even more to the point.

[Calatin]

What if he sends her a picture of Brad Pitt’s penis?

[franz]

no!!!

[Frank]

@Stringbean

I think inviting her to watch the USA Germany game is perfect because there is a reason outside of simply expressing interest in her to suggest it.

@BigT

Yeah, picking a sport she wouldn’t be interested in might not be the best, …

@ISiddiqui

For the reasons you’ve said, I actually think it was quite a good choice.

Sorry, I find these comments to be ridiculous. Even assuming she had any mild interest in the OP beyond as a student, to ask her to do something he knows she’s not interested in demonstrates a complete lack of caring about her likes and dislikes. That’s not a good sign.

[handsomeharry]

@MaverocK

Well, sir, seriously curious, what else could I have asked (or said)?

Perhaps something that she was *interested *in???

[MaverocK]

@handsomeharry

Perhaps something that she was *interested *in???

I did not know what she was interested in.
It was my mistake to offer it.

I will be visiting my psychiatrist therapist soon. I hope he will give me the medication which will bring me back to my senses. It will be really good if he allows me to take as many boxes of medication as possible, because I really need them especially when I am out of the city and out of my country. So, I will forget her with ease and will not have a crush on a woman who is only being nice to me.

[BigT]

@Frank

Sorry, I find these comments to be ridiculous. Even assuming she had any mild interest in the OP beyond as a student, to ask her to do something he knows she’s not interested in demonstrates a complete lack of caring about her likes and dislikes. That’s not a good sign.

Which is why I said it was not the best. My point is that he still found out what he wanted to know, even if, ideally, he should have asked her about something she was actually interested in, specifically to avoid communicating what you’ve said.

I think the chances are extremely slim by her reactions that she had mild interest in the OP but changed her mind when he asked her to a soccer game for the reason you state. Do you disagree?

[MaverocK]

I will have a chance to see her again in August.

I may not have a romantic relationship with her, this is fine. But I would really like to have a good friendship or a good student-teacher relationship with her. She is a great teacher and great person.

I had some talk with my friend who is experienced in relationship issues. He told me that I should first develop friendship before admitting I had a crush on her etc. or before trying to have a romantic relationship. He looked like he was right to me.

On the other hand, I also think that I will regret not admitting my crush on her. So, I am also considering instead of trying to develop a friendship in August, I will be direct and explicit about my romantic feelings.

I really wish she could like me beyond student.

@Budget_Player_Cadet

There’s a bit of racial tension about Turkish immigrants in Germany right now, and a lot of negative stereotypes. At least, in Bavaria. It can cause issues sometimes, and I’d daresay it’s certainly enough to make the odd person worry about their race being an issue in relationships. Racism sucks.

It may seem self-racism, but I sometimes really do think that we Turks deserve the discrimination against us in Germany.

[Emiliana]

Do you mean that you’ll take another class with her in August? If so, please do not view this as an opportunity to express your romantic feelings for her. Please, please, please do not do this. It will not end well.

[MaverocK]

@Emiliana

Do you mean that you’ll take another class with her in August? If so, please do not view this as an opportunity to express your romantic feelings for her. Please, please, please do not do this. It will not end well.

I can imagine why it may not end well. But I also would like to hear from you why it will not end well.

[Emiliana]

@MaverocK

I can imagine why it may not end well. But I also would like to hear from you why it will not end well.

I’m going to assume that you plan to take another class with her since this seems likely to be your only chance to see her in August.

She’s already told you that she’s not interested in dating you. As a teacher, she’s pretty much stuck with you in the classroom. She’s a captive audience. She can’t make you go away without creating a fuss, and she can’t leave the room. She’s in her place of employment.

Sure, if you harass her enough she can get you booted from the class. Hell, she can flunk you. But in the meanwhile, she’s going to have to put up with you longing to be her beloved. This will creep her out. Your setting yourself up for failure.

Trust me on this. I’m a teacher. The last thing I want is a student to be romantically interested in me.

[Siam_Sam]

@MaverocK

I will have a chance to see her again in August.

I may not have a romantic relationship with her, this is fine. But I would really like to have a good friendship or a good student-teacher relationship with her. She is a great teacher and great person.

I had some talk with my friend who is experienced in relationship issues. He told me that I should first develop friendship before admitting I had a crush on her etc. or before trying to have a romantic relationship. He looked like he was right to me.

On the other hand, I also think that I will regret not admitting my crush on her. So, I am also considering instead of trying to develop a friendship in August, I will be direct and explicit about my romantic feelings.

I really wish she could like me beyond student.

It may seem self-racism, but I sometimes really do think that we Turks deserve the discrimination against us in Germany.

I honestly believe she already can tell you have a crush on her. And really, you’re starting to come across as a little bit creepy. There are lots of women out there, and it’s time to move on and find another one.

[Ambivalid]

Dude, no. :smack: You should not actually take her class again. That’s failing to take a hint; and it’s failing spectacularly.

[MaverocK]

@Emiliana

I’m going to assume that you plan to take another class with her since this seems likely to be your only chance to see her in August.

She’s already told you that she’s not interested in dating you. As a teacher, she’s pretty much stuck with you in the classroom. She’s a captive audience. She can’t make you go away without creating a fuss, and she can’t leave the room. She’s in her place of employment.

Sure, if you harass her enough she can get you booted from the class. Hell, she can flunk you. But in the meanwhile, she’s going to have to put up with you longing to be her beloved. This will creep her out. Your setting yourself up for failure.

Trust me on this. I’m a teacher. The last thing I want is a student to be romantically interested in me.

She did not tell me she was not interested in dating me.
It is not clear yet that whether I will be in her class or not. I do not plan to be in her class, but I will have a chance to see her anywhere around the course.

“She can’t make you go away without creating a fuss, and she can’t leave the room.”: This can happen if I harass her or disturb her. Because harassing and disturbing will not happen, there will not be any fuss.

I am not going to harass her. Why would I harass someone I like? Why would I make someone whom I like feel bad. I do not even harass people that I do not like: I only stay away from them.

@Siam_Sam

I honestly believe she already can tell you have a crush on her. And really, you’re starting to come across as a little bit creepy. There are lots of women out there, and it’s time to move on and find another one.

If “frightening” is what you mean by “creepy”, trust me I do not mean any harm to her. I am only romantically intersted. Yes, there may be a lot of women out there. :smack: But no one is the same person as her. If you have never had a crush on someone, it is easy for you to say “move on, there are lots of women out there”

@Ambivalid

Dude, no. :smack: You should not actually take her class again. That’s failing to take a hint; and it’s failing spectacularly.

She only said she was not interested in association football. I do not believe this is an indirect expression of disinterest in me. Until she is direct and obvious, I might keep my hopes up.

“A tree won’t fall with a single blow.”

[Emiliana]

@MaverocK

“A tree won’t fall with a single blow.”

Now that is creepy. Really.

Expressing romantic interest in 1) situations where it is inappropriate; 2) to people not free to tell you to fuck off; 3) and specifically to a woman who has already, gently but clearly, told you she wasn’t interested; is 4) extremely creepy.

Refusing to understand what you’re being told by teachers and others in this thread suggests that you don’t understand the difference between 1) romantic and 2) self-centered, clueless, emotionally stunted, verging on delusional thoughts and behavior.

[handsomeharry]

@Frylock

Wow.

Well done!

Maverock, this was a really important post, I hope you pay attention to it.

Yes, except I’m still trying to find the society which condemns women for not smiling enough.