Should I not get involved with this woman?

I agree with this part. Regardless of fault, trust is key in a relationship. When it’s not there, the whole thing is a nightmare. When it has only been a week and you and her both are feeling this way, there is no reason to put forth the mammoth effort that it will require to fix the issue.

Right, if you’re old enough to date a 42 year old, you’re old enough to know they will have history. There is no reason to know how many people she has slept with (and there are plenty of reasons why three could be the honest answer).

*Me: You don’t know what EFIX data is, do you? I can extract all kind of interesting info from pics taken on a smart phone. You used an iPhone 4, resolution was 640 x 480 etc. Most interesting is time and date. They were taken at 8:10 on Aug. 31, 2012. I thought I could trust you. 12:23 PM

Yikes. You pounced on her like a combination of Mr. Spock and Officer Joe Friday. I’m surprised she hasn’t asked you to never contact her again.

As for your question, I guess if she is still willing to date you and you’re willing to stop checking up on her, then go for it.

Wait, what? Desiring honesty is BAD? HOW?

Oh, for fuck’s sake. You barely know her and you’re already going on the assumption that she’s a liar. Apparently because honesty is important to her.

…Aaaand at this point it is stunningly clear that you have no respect for this woman whatsoever. Why exactly do you want to date someone you don’t even respect?

By this point, it doesn’t even matter if she did or did not lie. You will not have a successful, long-term relationship when you don’t trust her, and don’t respect her. It won’t matter where it came from, it’ll kill the relationship dead (or make it languish in agony for way, way too long) whether it’s your issue or hers.

Give the poor woman a break. Break up with her, you’ll be doing her a favor.


In case it wasn’t clear, snooping, distrust, and jealousy (especially completely baseless jealousy – why does it fucking matter when the photo was taken?) is a red flag. You seem like a very controlling individual. The desire for honesty (which would be the opposite of these three traits) is not a red flag.

Desiring honesty isn’t bad, but making a point of stating it in the first week of dating would send up a red flag to me. It tells me that she has an emotional hangup from being lied to. What other emotional hangups does she have?

Plus, it is a veiled accusation that I will lie to her when she doesn’t even know me yet. It would be a definite turn off.

I mean, there’s nothing wrong with not wanting to be raped, either, but if a chick looked at me and said that she won’t put up with forcible sex against her will, I would be doing a double take.

She sent you provocative pics. You didn’t say whether you were offended or repelled by this brazenness, but if you didn’t have a problem with the images, then the first thing out of your keypad should have been enthusiastic thanks. Not an accusation.

You were sensitive to her body language and didn’t pressure her into having sex with you, so obviously you’re not dimwitted when it comes to social exchanges. I suspect you let your own trust issues interfere with your judgement.

Why is her saying honesty is important to her a red flag? That is pretty standard preference among adult daters, especially ones that have been divorced (since many marriages end after a sustained period of lying and betrayal).

Why do you doubt she’s only slept with 3 men? And did she volunteer this info or did you ask her what her number is? After only a week of seeing her, is this trivia really worth sweating even if she’s lying? It seems you think her flirtiness is inconsistent with her history, but consider the possibility that you’re wrong in your assumptions. If she was married for a long time, she very well might not have had a lot of experiences with others.

I don’t expect she’ll want to see you again, so the question you’ve posed to us is probably moot.

God, I know. I’ve just gotten so sick of romantic partners springing their emotional hangups on me.

It’s cool now, though, because my new policy is that I only date body pillows shaped like Rei Ayanami.

Hell, yes.

Could you point me in the direction of the message board she solicits dating advice on? I need to tell her to run a mile.

No, but if someone tell you they don’t care about money for no reason, hold on to your wallet.

Calling someone out on a lie means I don’t respect her?

I don’t trust that anyone will never lie to me. Everyone lies to everyone at many points in a relationship. I’m just wondering if this one should be a deal breaker.

I know. I’m so horrible.

The first thing I did was thank her. I said it meant a lot to me that she would take pics like that just for me. Then I found out it was bullshit.

You see, she slips in all the time indirectly what a good-goody girl she is and her point with the pics was that she was feeling close enough to me to do something that’s not what she would normally do. When I saw the date I was hurt.

Just instincts based on the way she seems to need male attention (boobs popping out in public) and the skills she has going as far as we have. Yes, I know you can develop skills being with one man. Also the fact that if I didn’t stop, she would have had sex with me on a third date. I’m sure she’s been on third dates plenty of times.

She volunteered.

That’s what I’m here asking.

She wants to see me again. I apologized and she wants to see me one night during the week and we still have plans for Saturday night.

She’s got a ton of hangups. To hear her talk about her ex, he was the biggest asshole that ever lived. She has trust issues up the wazoo. And I know, texting her what I did isn’t exactly going to help her trust me. I shouldn’t have let her know I found out about the pics date. I screwed up.

I suspect that most intelligent adults have this “hang-up” that honesty is important in a relationship.

…or it’s a statement of fact, you know:

He: what are you looking for in a relationship?

She: Well, ultimately, something that can become serious. Honesty and trust are important to me. Making time for each other is too. I love to travel and would like to find someone to do that with me…

etc. You know, a normal discussion of broad values that often/usually occurs in the get-to-know-you stage of dating. Because you don’t want to date someone who has incompatible values, either.

Yell yes +2.

Hell yes +3.

I’ve never understood the phenomenon of “I don’t like you. I don’t respect you. I don’t trust you. WE REALLY NEED TO BE TOGETHER!” Why is this even a question?

Sorry, Fantome, you are the weirdo with this one.

There is a reason why we go thought the whole song and dance of dating, rather than just selecting someone with nice boobs and running a background check on them. Dating gives you time to actually get to know someone, rather than trying to play psycho-sexual armchair detective based on whatever shreds of information you pick up over the course of a week. More importantly, dating gives people time to transition from single life and previous relationships into an exclusive arrangement with you. This is rarely a neat and easy process. Often, people have complicated relationship histories and they may even have loose ends they are tying up as they start opening up to the idea of a new relationship. That’s why we generally spend some time casually getting to a know a person before we decide they are our soulmate. The idea is to date, get to know each other, maybe have some sex, and slowly ramp up the commitment level.

It sounds like you’ve already broke this one. I certainly would not see someone again who returned a nice gesture with such a creepy, stalkery, obsessive action. I mean, she probably had the picture on her phone for whatever reason (and it may well just be that she wanted to see what her new undies look like on and liked the results), and thought you’d like it. And you return that by basically showing that you do not trust her and calling her out in an accusative way. What do you think you were going to achieve here?

Next time, try to get to know the lady in question for who she is, rather than trying to immediately fit her into some kind of category you’ve made up in your head. People will reveal themselves over time. Nobody is going to turn out to be perfect, but chances are you can find someone who is compatible with you.

That makes sense, even sven. I hope she can forgive me and not have this in the back of her head forever and doubting the future because of it. I really like her a lot.

Assuming she’s a liar as a matter of course, believing that a photo date is significant in any meaningful way, and then snooping, means you don’t respect her. Or trust her. You’re already missing the foundational building blocks of a good relationship. She did something NICE for you, and you manufactured an argument over it, which is not responsible, honest, mature, or sane. It’s over. If you continue on in denial of all this, you’ll make it messy and drag it out for no good reason.

Also, again, all of those are extremely controlling behaviors. Red flag city.

Frankly, with your issues as revealed here, you shouldn’t be dating, period. See a professional and work out why you’re so paranoid and stalkery on a woman you barely know.

Purity? What on earth? Are you claiming that because she says she’s slept with three people?

Honestly, reading all of the things you’ve said about her in this thread it seems like the only reason you want to date her at all is for her magnificent breasts. You say you like her more than she likes you, that’s hard to imagine as it seems like you have a lot of contempt for her.

You’ve known her next to no time at all and you’ve got all of this pent up? I think that’s a good sign this has more to do with you than her. Good luck to her.

Missed the edit:

You are trying to justify your controlling behavior by blaming it on her. That’s what abusers do, dude.


I’m shaking my head in disbelief. I literally cannot conceive of someone looking up the pic date data on a intimate sexy selfie given as an openhanded gift and holding it over the givers head as not being a fresh shot even if they said they just did it for me.

If a woman has a particularly sexy shot I would be amazed if she didn’t re-use it. If she wanted to tell me she did it just for me to make me feel special God bless her heart. And yet you want to confront her about her perfidy. Are you mildly autistic or something?

This level of controlling anal nonsense early in a relationship should cause any sane woman to flee for the hills.

I don’t get this either. If you can’t trust someone enough to take what they say at face value in the earlier stages of getting to know them, then what is the point of starting a relationship with them? You will constantly be questioning minutiae.

To the OP, if she really wants to see you again, you need to be honest with her. Tell her that you have doubts about her honesty. Lay it all out. If yall can manage to talk about it and she’s able to clear your doubts, then, and only then, would I suggest continuing on. But if you’re still left with nagging suspicions, it’s not worth the headache.

I suspect you think she’s “too good to be true” and so you’re looking for evidence that backs up this conclusion. Maybe you’re right and she’s not as fabulous as you actually hope she is. But she could be the genuine article too. Be honest with yourself: how much does all this have to do with you doubting an attractive, non-crazy woman could be into you?

I do think it’s weird she volunteered the number of men she’s been with to a guy she just started dating. Even if it’s not a lie, it’s TMI. And then in the same week period, she sent pics of herself half naked. More TMI. Perhaps she was afraid you were going to lose interest in her because yall didn’t have sex? I don’t know. It sounds like insecurity more than anything else. You might have that in common with her, just sayin.

Of course, if it was said like that, then I retract my statement. But I was imagining a scenario where she sort of said in out of the blue, in an accusatory manner. I’ve met women who have done this. It screams, “I’m going to read your emails and Facebook messages and when I find one minor inconsistency in what you told me, I’ll throw you on the trash heap with the rest of my ex-s.”

It doesn’t give me a warm fuzzy feeling.

After I apologized to her and things seemed okay between us and I read some of the responses in this thread, I did so again via email. I sent her this:
Cathy, I wanted to apologize again for freaking when I saw the picture data earlier. Again, it’s data that pops up automatically with the Canon software that I use. When I saw the date I freaked a little.

Even if I was 100% sure that they were taken last year, I shouldn’t have brought it up to you. I should be able to deal with a little white lie better than that. I’m saying hypothetically, of course. I’m not accusing you of telling a little white lie.
In the future, if and when I do something wrong (no one is perfect), please don’t compare me to your ex-husband. I will never do the same to you and I want you to judge me on my own merit, not compared to someone that’s an asshole. “My ex-husband” is something I hear from you pretty frequently.
I hope you can get past this and see that I’m a good person. I have trust issues as you do and I was hurt that a pic taken just for me had a date of 2012 on it. I hope you can understand that.

The next time we are together, I promise we will have a great time and my focus will be on furthering the relationship. You mean a lot to me and I want very badly for this to go somewhere.