how to approach GF with issues?

A few weeks ago I broke up with my GF and then got back with her.

After getting back together with her (we were apart for 2 weeks), I told her that what she did during our break up was not my business but asked if there were any men now interested in her that I should perhaps know about or that she should dissuade interest from. (basically, did you get any guys chasing after and now contacting you that you should be now cooling off with/ignoring/etc; which I think is a reasonable question)

She stated that one girl FB’d her to give her an idea on a guy and then stated that that was all and that she deleted the message and did not act on it. Well, 3 days later, she and I go to a bar and on the way home she tells me about that again and also that her old flame from high school FB’d her and said they should meet up. She said they messaged a few times and then when she and I reconciled she told him that we were working things out and so she could not meet with him. So, you can see an obvious inconsistency. When I asked her, she only brought up the more benign situation and swore that was it, and then later spilled some beans and probably didn’t realize she had.

I did not realize this inconsistency until the next day, and I have not mentioned it since, as I am mulling over the best course.

A week later, she tells me she is cancelling her FB account. She just doesn’t like it anymore she says. (a few obvious possibilities spring to the suspicious mind however as I and this EX are both her FB friends)

Another week goes by. She lives 45 minutes away and stated that she had to work for 3 days straight long shifts and so we did not see each other at all.

On the morning of her last night shift, I drive to her place.

She complains that her face is/feels windburned (I can’t remember the exact verbiage) on the first day. I thought that was odd. How can someone with an inside job that is not outdoorsy get windburn in early Sept? (esp. since she stated she just worked and slept and was not really outside for any period of time for this to occur) But it really just slipped my mind. It just didn’t hit my radar very hard, but it piqued my ears enough to be remembered as odd. A side note: she does use some skin products that might irritate the skin, but I wouldn’t have an effect from these and call them windburn, but that’s me.

A few hours later, she complained about how irritated her eyes were. I offered eye drops.

The next day, she was using lip balm excessively and told me her lips got very chapped the other day. I asked about how one manages to get this condition in the summer and she said she just does sometimes. She then got very overly affectionate (rubbing my legs, etc for hours as if on cue and acting oddly it seemed, as if it were forced and insistent compared to her usual actions).

Upon reflection and an ahha moment, I then put all this together into a somewhat coherent picture, to my perhaps paranoid mind at least.

People in the mid atlantic region do not get all these symptoms simultaneously very often unless they have been on a boat, motorbike, or convertible for a long period. I see no other situation. Thing is, there was no way in those days that she could have been in either of those situations without something nefarious happening and/or a lie about her whereabouts/company being told. She supposedly worked or slept the entire time.

So, I FB her ex that contacted her and surprise, he is a motorcyclist and lives only a few miles from her.

So, what would others here do?

I am not huge into “spill your guts and just communicate everything” because one of two things will happen: 1. she is totally innocent and I look crazy or 2. she is not innocent and she’ll just spin another cover story and be increasingly careful.

There are good things in this relationship and so if I am wrong I don’t want to throw it all away. She might just be weird and I’m a little crazy.

So, what are some ideas for an approach or strategic plan? I’m all ears.

Please don’t tell me simply to dump her.

OK.

Don’t simply get her to dump you.

You don’t want to dump her and you don’t want to talk to her, so I think you should just continue enjoying the good parts of the relationship until your increasing distrust gets the better of you and you guys break up in a bitter, recriminatory mess. If she is seeing someone else, the truth will out (what’s your user name, again?).

There are some things people just have to do the hard way and this sounds like one of them.

Can you explain this please? I get the sarcasm but am unaware of your exact point.

You clearly don’t trust her. I don’t think this relationship is viable at all, even if she’s 100% honest with you, you seem overly suspicious about many inconsequential details of her life.

I do want to talk to her, but I fear it will be counterproductive regardless of the underlying truth. Either she is innocent and is hurt or she is not and just plays the typical hand (“I’m offended you would even think that! Why do you notice such small things that others don’t?”)

I hope my tone in the OP does not turn others off. I talked about this relationship here before and got some replies that might be influencing me to be gun shy here. But I appreciate this forum so I ask for advice here.

I suppose I am looking for a way to get at the truth without ruining the relationship if she is actually innocent. If it were undeniable, then I would not hesitated to talk/end things.

But right now, this relationship has me in a fog where I am not sure my usual judgments are correct. It might be just me or just her or more likely a bit of both.

I know, but I hate to think how much time this might take, if the case. Also, if she really isn’t seeing someone steadily but just having a little fling every few weeks, then she could go on like that for a long time without definitive evidence being observed.

FML

Please explain.

If someone was married to an awesome partner for many years, then would they not be a bit surprised when they came home from an office job and complained of all these issues normally associated with wind hitting their face at high speed for several hours?

Also, I don’t think it is rational to trust someone else completely. So, yes, I do not trust her when what she does/says seems odd and out of place.

Also, I feel that many seemingly inconsequential things fitting together rather neatly is not an issue. Should someone only become opposite once absolute proof is found and ignore odd behavior that all points to the same possible cause?

Ask her, when she went for that bike ride, did they use a helmet?

badoom ching :wink:

Good. At least you still have a sense of humour about it. Don’t ever lose it because you’ll need it.

Were I the girl in this story, the above bit would have me dumping you in no time flat. No, it’s NOT a reasonable question. Either you trust me or you don’t, and if you don’t trust me I’m not going to spend my days proving just what a loyal little girlie I am.

See ya.

Really?

This is my hypothesis. Some folks read posts and they identify with part of it and then react to the post as if they are reacting to someone in their past (often a boyfriend that just did not get that once a week they need to disappear, drink to almost the point of black out, and then stay the night at some random house…but it’s all okay so long as…trust?..). Perhaps someone that was unreasonably suspicious or even one that had very good reason to be suspicious.

My general idea is that people that are innocent do not realize when they act very similar to a guilty person. Then, they don’t understand why their behavior was just like a person that does XYZ and then they got categorized with that same lot. But we are all special snowflakes I suppose and induction does not work when it comes to humans.

Mostly, it seems many folks, esp. young women, don’t like that being in a committed relationship will likely limit there ability to do damn well anything they want, anytime they want, with anyone they want (so long as penetration with someone other than their SO did not occur on that night).

If two folks are broke up, then it is not reasonable to ask if some other dudes are now chasing them around?

Really? You honestly thing this?

You might be mistaking trust with TOTAL trust and then trust being regained after a rocky break up.

So, you don’t like to be questioned at all, it seems?

I don’t mind it because I know how humans think and I don’t do betray people.

People will use many methods to passively break up, so that they have plausible denial of being the “bad guy” who ditched on the relationship.

Go ahead and protest that this isn’t the case with you, and you may very well be right. We don’t know you or her. Different people want different things from their relationships.

But I’ve never met a (sane) woman who wants a relationship mainly for the challenge of soothing some guy’s jealously.

So here’s the thing.

Relationships are built on trust… and that trust is a two way street. Not only is it clear from what you have posted that you do not trust her, but she also does not trust you. That’s huge, and it might be something that is insurmountable - especially if you are unwilling to talk about your feelings with her.

Communication is hard when it’s about topics that make you uncomfortable - especially if they are about topics that might ultimately be relationship ending. But it’s so so -so- important.

You don’t trust her. And you have laid out what might be unreasonable expectations for her. So she doesn’t trust you, and feels that she needs to go around your back in order to get something she needs. If she is cheating, it’s a symptom of a larger problem. If she’s not cheating and you suspect she is, that is still a symptom of a larger problem.

Why did you break up the first time around? And what brought you back together? I’m sure there is good in your relationship, but trust -me- when i tell you - if you don’t talk about the problems (in a way that is intelligent, and not in a way that will start an argument) your relationship will be doomed.

Yes, I really think this.

What happened when you two were apart is none of your business. If you don’t trust her now that you are back together, that is, if you think she’s not being truthful or is still seeing someone on the sly, then you have two choices:

1 - Tell her what you’re thinking and how you feel and leave it in her court

2 - Say goodbye.

I’d just state that somethings deemed jealousy are really very rational.

Are you suggesting that I am jealous because I don’t want her contacting/hanging out with an EX, esp. if I am not informed?

That is not jealousy, that is not being a doormat.

To put a finer point on this, my line of discussion was NOT “what did you do while apart?” BUT rather “is there anything now going on based upon our separation that might be of concern?”.

I think you expect total trust in a relationship or it is not a relationship at all. I would think that is very naive. Let’s say 2 folks were separated for 6 months and then reconciled and exclusive, you would expect all questions of how that separation might affect them now to be off limits? Really? Just scale that back to a smaller time of separation.

I find the need to not have to answer any such questions to be rather convenient, girl powery, and PC. I have no time for those things on balance.