I go to a meetup a couple times a week, and there’s a woman who appears to be meddling in her daughter’s marriage. She is their childcare provider, and it appears that the daughter and her husband have some wildly divergent ideas about some important ideas, but unless this was putting the daughter and the kids at risk, I just don’t see how this is any of this woman’s business.
One thing that stands out is that the husband has decided he’s an atheist, and he doesn’t want his wife going to church any more (so she doesn’t) or the kids exposed to organized religion unless they pursue it on their own. So, Mom and Grandma baptized the baby in the kitchen sink, and this has of course been kept secret from him.
The kicker is that the husband works right next door to where we have our meetups, and what makes her so sure that one of us wouldn’t go over there and tell him things she’s said about him? Also, IDK how the daughter feels about her mother repeating things like this, assuming she even knows about it.
She’s otherwise a lovely woman. Does anyone here think I should say something? I don’t want to cause trouble in this group.
But I might say something about “Does your daughter know you’re repeating this, and does she approve?” This just plain old may not have occurred to her.
Anytime a question of the form “Should I get involved in someone else’s marital squabbles?” comes up, the answer is overwhelmingly no, for good reason. Pretty much the only time to get involved is if abuse is occurring.
Second, the quickest way to get a dump-truck full of life complications is to butt into the lives of people you barely know. EVEN IF they invite the butting.
Third- let’s assume that dad should be told. Is it your job? As above, no it is not, and dad is going to find out anyway.
Fourth: They ran the baby under some sink water and called it a baptism.
It has no effect on the child, it has no effect on the way they will be raising the child, it has no effect on anything. The only effect it had was to get the kid wet, which I assume has been rectified by now.
Assuming any spiritual effect took hold because of the ritual, how will the kid even know?
This won’t become an issue until Mom and Grandma start teaching the kid in secret Bible lessons, and there’s no way that such a thing would remain hidden for long, given that kids can’t keep secrets.
So even if you think the dad SHOULD know, relax, and let time do what you shouldn’t.
Some of you seem to think that I’m going to run over and tell the dad. That wasn’t where I was coming from at all; I was coming from the angle of “how do you know someone wouldn’t?” And I just don’t think she should be repeating details that may well have been told to her in confidence about her daughter’s marriage, and want to tactfully tell her this.
If these two people didn’t/couldn’t figure out what belief system to impart on their child before having one, regardless of the meddling mother. You getting involved isn’t going isn’t going to make anything better. At all.
My sister had her daughter baptized in a large ceremony it cost easily 10k. She doesn’t go to church at all, neither does he. But it was the mother-in-law that wouldn’t stop hen pecking her son until it was done. It was ridiculous, I was asked to be god father and did it without criticism . But I found the whole thing to be ridiculous and such a waste of money just to make the family matriarch happy. They haven’t been to church since.
You can refuse to listen. You cannot tell her not to talk about it. You can say, “I’m sorry, but I don’t feel comfortable talking about someone who’s not here to defend themselves.” Say it with a smile, and then stick to your guns. I’ve looked people in the eye and said, “I’m sorry, but I don’t like to talk about people behind their backs.” And I work very hard not to. And when they bring it up again, you say, “I’m sorry, I just don’t feel comfortable talking about them when they’re not here!” Always in a bright, chipper, but firm voice.
I think that one of the best things we women can do in the name of feminism is this - STOP talking about each other behind our backs, and especially stop the backbiting, nasty talk. Change comes from within, so I make a point of it myself.
You cannot at all tell her to stop interfering. All you can do is attempt to lead by example.
Read that first paragraph, paying special attention to the last phrase.
You judge this none of her business and still want to butt in? What sort of logic is that? Two wrongs make a right? It’s none of your business twice removed.
TYVM. It just wasn’t a situation I’ve really faced before, and you’re all saying in effect that if she gets in trouble for talking about her daughter’s marriage to people who don’t know them, it’s her problem, not mine.
I think every Catholic family has a story about a covert baptism. If he’s truly Atheist, then a couple of old ladies ran some water over his babies head, no big deal. My general attitude is, if it gives an old woman comfort, and doesn’t harm the baby, then let it go.
I do feel horrifically sorry for the daughter whose Mom is trumpeting her business about. It sucks not even to be able to trust a confidence to your own Mother. But chances are she already knows that her Mom is a blabbermouth. I figured out at six not to trust mine. . .
And does this woman know that you’ve passed on her secret to any number of anonymous people on the internet? If it’s wrong for her to repeat it, why isn’t it wrong for you?
Also, IDK how the daughter feels about her mother repeating things like this, assuming she even knows about it.