Should I send this message? (Via Facebook)

In My Humble Opinion
61

Brainstall, I can tell the difference. The last time I saw her she said “Call me. Let’s go out.” and she meant it. This was after the many previous failures. But, I managed to screw this chance up again. There was no fight or anger involved either. She just stopped responding after a while. So, that’s why I still have feelings and I think she might have some there too. That’s why I dreamed up the email because I would like to just come out and say how I feel for once. But I know better than that which should be clear as I’ve said it multiple times. I’m glad to hear from people who are being honest when they say “don’t send it.” but I would appreciate a little more empathy and a lot less snark.

Left Hand of Dorkness - How can you say the quoted portion above is legit, when it is clear that it’s mostly just insulting and sarcastic? Look at the tone of the message. She laughs in direct response to what I am going through and decided to share, gives some trite, insincere advice and then asks do I have Aspergers? Yeah, BS.

The only actual good advice I’ve got was from the people who suggested that I send the message but skim it down. I really hadn’t thought of that. Now, I’m still not going to send it but at least those people actually seemed to care. Most people suggested “don’t send it.” which is not a lot of help but still fine. Then, some just want to ridicule and I don’t have to tolerate that. So I happened to like a girl a lot and failed miserably in my attempt at a relationship. So I still harbor some love for her. Am I supposed to be ashamed? Well, I’m not.

62

So you admit that you were only looking for “advice” that matched what you wanted to hear?

63

Maybe I should take that back. Posts 5, 11, and 15 were all solid advice and things I hadn’t considered delivered in a reasonable, well-meaning tone. All of them would fall into the “don’t send” category as well.

I should have just titled this post: “What’s wrong with this message?” I already know why I shouldn’t send it and don’t plan on doing it either. But, thats mostly just based on the probability that she doesn’t want to hear it and it won’t work anyway. But, I don’t really know that without finding out. I’m just not willing to take that risk anymore. So, that’s settled and people can drop it now and not remind me of something I already know.

What I would like to do is take a look at the bigger concept. Some suggest to make it more light-hearted and easy-going, which is fine, but I think lacks substance. Being easy-going is appropriate for someone you may have just met, but not with somebody you’ve been friends with for years who has given you multiple chances, because she liked you too, but you still managed to blow it everytime. I’d really like someone to comment on why my message is a “bad” message to send because I feel that while it may be a little dramatic, I’m just being real.

64

Let me instead of addressing whether you should or should not send any message, tell you why I think that particular message is wrong. Not only is it a little bit creeperish and stalkery but it’s entirely focused on you. * I* like you. I’ve been wondering if you think about me. I’ve screwed up in the past.

Nobody wants a message that focuses on the sender. You would do better with “I [saw movie][read book][heard song][heard joke][ran into mutual friend] and I thought about you. We haven’t talked for a long time. We should really get together and catch up. How about [coffee][a drink][lunch] on [specific day]” If she turns you down and doesn’t counter she’s not into you either romantically or as a friend and you need to let it go…

65

People have already said why the message is bad. Because it comes off as insecure, needy and, imo kinda creepy. A lot of girls have had to deal with ‘that guy’ who won’t take no for an answer, or who completely misses all the social cues that she’s not interested. Basically the guy who won’t just give up on her…ever. And, as a woman, it’s creepy as hell and sends off all sorts of warning signals. You’re also reading into things that may or may not have actually been there, such as all the chances you ‘blew’ with her, as mentioned in your letter. From what you’ve said and as others has commented, there’s a VERY strong chance that there never were any chances. That you were seeing an opportunity or an invitation that wasn’t there.

Another problem is the wording you use. It adds to the ‘insecure’ and ‘needy’ feel. It comes off as really self depreciating and not in a good way. And saying things like “if you ever wanna talk..” and “if not, don’t worry” just come off as really weak. If you want to talk to her, talk to her. If it’s been a while, then start a normal conversation like you would with a friend. Ask how she’s been doing. See if she’d be interested in catching up over some coffee or dinner or something. Just don’t start mentioning your feelings or dating or any of your past screw ups. If she agrees, great. You can catch up on things and you can get a feel for how things might go. If she doesn’t, drop it and move on.

66

I’ll admit I do see the self-centered aspect now that you point it out. But in a way it is about her. I’m having these feelings for her. I can see how you might think it’s creepy/stalkerish also, but like I’ve said it’s just me being real. I think it’s just being misinterpreted. I mean, I say at the end “If you don’t want too, it’s fine. I’ll drop it.” That should be enough to signal that she shouldn’t have to worry about hearing from me again if she just decides to ignore me. Fuck, she could delete me off facebook if she wanted.

I don’t know if you saw earlier but I don’t want to just ask her out. I’d just like to talk to her first, and see where it goes from there.

67

Ok, Angelsoft that actually makes a lot of sense. I think I get it now. If I can’t actually talk to somebody without resorting to these types of dramatic lines, then there’s not much I can say at all.

68

Sorry, by the way. I was dickish and out of line. But from the short amount you’ve posted in this thread, it seemed like you might be having issues understanding the social cues this girl has projected. For all we know, she could be sending you mixed messages and that’s the source of your confusion. However, I stand by my previous advice that you should practice dating. Don’t call this girl anymore. Whether she’s using you or is just a serial flake, she’s not girlfriend material. She doesn’t have the same feelings for you that you do for her, that’s for sure. You think because she keeps coming back, it means she can’t stay away (meaning she’s totally into you). But that’s not how relationships work. It doesn’t even sound like you guys have had sex, so what is there to come back to?

My guess is she’s been using you after breakups to make herself feel better, and has no intention of dating you. I can tell you that no stable, happy, healthy woman treats a guy she’s into like this girl’s been treating you. Just say no!

69

BTW when I said I thought you were pretty clueless when it came to dating, I’m speaking from experience. I was in that position too but I have learnt a lot. Far more than you could learn in a little thread like this. There are a lot of ways you can fail at dating and it is good to be educated about this so that you avoid too much rejection. The first ebook I recommended involves mainly making steps when you detect interest and attraction so it helps protect your ego. And it explains in depth how to detect attraction.

70

Okay, firstly, I think most people aren’t ridiculing you. There’s some humour, but I don’t think this is a big “let’s all make fun of the OP” party.

My analysis. I agree that easy-going is appropriate for someone you have just met. You clearly (though without details) say this is not how things are. Well, in that case I think you actually need to be less easy-going and non-specific and try to address what actually happened.

You won’t say (which is your good right) what exactly happened, but you say she “just stopped responding”. Now, when I like a guy I wouldn’t just stop responding because of a little random off comment. So either I’m not interested or whatever ever you said was kind of big deal.

I think if you really insist on wanting to figure out what the deal is with this girl (and to be honest, I’m kind of with the rest in that it probably isn’t a great idea) then I would try to address whatever happened directly and clearly as in: “Hey, I’m sorry I said/did X which hurt your feelings. Can we meet up and talk about it?”. But be specific about what you think went wrong and how you are sorry it happened and what you now want to do. Don’t be make it a vague “I’m not always so terrible”, because you force her into a situation where she is to take pity you. That’s not what you want. You want to be admit a mistake and be constructive about how to fix things from here. Mind you, I still say you probably should move on, but if you think you really feel better knowing, that’s probably the best way to play it.

71

You know what? Just fucking do whatever you want.

72

Speaking as a woman - this passage brings up two issues.

  • You still haven’t clarified what happened when you were given multiple “chances” (to go out? to kindle a relationship?) and managed to “blow it” every time. And what do these “chances” consist of? Her saying “call me” as a means to end a conversation? Her saying “sure, I’ll go on a date with you”? How do you “blow” those chances? Do you waffle and not bother to set up a date each time she says “call me”? Do you freak out and cancel a confirmed date? Do you leave her waiting for you and not bother to show up? Do you have a bland, uneventful evening and go home dejected? Do you freak out and babble half the evening?

  • If you’re her friend and in contact with her on Facebook, how is it that you don’t even know if she has a boyfriend?

73

“What’s wrong with this message?” is that big dramatic revealings of the self are just silly movie stunts that don’t work in real life. If she liked you you wouldn’t have to convince her of that, she (and you) would already know. I’ve learned this from hard personal experience and it sounds like many of the others on here have as well.

If you haven’t given up yet, send this: “hi, what are you up to?” or “hi, what’s new in your life?”, then wait. If she responds, talk to her like you would somebody you’re not interested in. Friendly, flirt a little, but quit with the “you’re the girl of my dreams” vibe. Make her suggest doing something. If she is into you she will.

74

I mean, what do you really know about this woman? I kind of feel like you have put her on a pedestal, and while women may profess to want princess treatment (heh) we don’t actually want to be put on a pedestal because we invariably get knocked down. What about her is so damned attractive you’ve waited years?

How did you mess up in the past? What happened the last time?

I should come clean. I told you to tell her, clearly, with the pretty firm expectation that she will come back and say “Thanks but no thanks.” I will tell you right now, that if she was really attracted to you, she would have found a way to let you know. When I wanted a man, he knew, no doubt. And if he didn’t know, I made sure. When women are sure about a man, they find ways.

So I pretty much think she doesn’t feel the same way. So why tell her? Because then you can mentally check it off. “Ok, I told her, and she doesn’t feel that way. So now I can move on and look for other girls.” Cause as long as you are pining over this one woman you are not growing as a person.

Go ahead and tell her you like her a lot. But walk into it hoping for the best and expecting the worst. And be prepared for heartbreak…but also a clean cut.

75

And if you still don’t want to explain how you bombed 12 times, could you at least give us her name so we can ask her? I’m unnaturally curious now.

76

panaccione - One portion of the sample message you put in your OP that I haven’t seen anybody mention yet is the part where you said this:

When somebody says this, it’s a classic red-flag to most people that you actually have no intention of ever dropping it. You might go away for awhile, but down the road you’ll come up with a justification for contacting her again. And again. And again.

Even if you truly sincerely mean it, I think you should remove it from any note you send. Nobody ever believes this promise and it diminishes everything else you want to say to her.

77

Ok since so many of you have asked I feel somewhat compelled to just come out with it.

This past summer I was browsing over facebook and I happened to notice some posts on her wall. One of her friends was talking about how they were HOPING to get an apartment on “brian” street in “springfield.” I saw that and thought “Holy fuck. My friend lives on that street and I’m always there.”

So I know this looks like stalking but it’s not like I was actively trying to find out where she lives. It was plain as day on her wall and I can’t unread something. Still, I don’t actually KNOW if she lives on that street, I just have a hint.

Anyways, I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to see her but It’s not like I could come out and be like “Hey, I saw on facebook you live on this street and so does my buddy” cause that would be weird. So, instead one morning after I had stayed over my buddy’s house, I decided to take their dog for a walk down the street. Lo and behold there she was pulling into the driveway. I was pretty stunned to say the least and I’m sure she was even more. But I still called over to her. We talked, she gave me a hug, and said “Call me. Let’s go out.”

I give it about three weeks. I text her when I’m over my buddy’s back and forth and eventually she disappears. She texts me in the morning and says “sorry I fell asleep early.”

Next week I text her again, back and forth for a little while. I ask her to come out and she says “she’s too old for the bars,” I say “Yeah right. come out you’ll have fun.” Not a very charming response I’ll admit, and she disappears.

Next weekend. I decide to give it one more try. I call her around midnight. We talk. I tell her I want to see her, She says ok just call me when you get back to “springfield.” Well, I don’t get back to “springfield” until around 3 a.m. but I still call her anyways. I should have just went back right then and there after the call, but instead stayed out until the bars closed. Text/calling her at 1 a.m. might have been reasonable but not 3 a.m. I was drunk and I fucked it up. I texted her once more after that weekend but never heard back from her again and I gave up.

So there you have it. That’s how I blew it. I was just a bit too persistent. It’s just disappointing because I really liked this girl and I fucked it up so badly. But, I’m not going to text/call her again. I get it now that there’s just no going back anymore. So, feel free to offer advice or commentary but again, I’m NOT going to call her so you don’t need to remind me of that, or tell me what I should say instead. But I do appreciate all the responses. I actually did gain some perspective on this issue and probably saved myself a lot of trouble as I was sort-of on the fence about the message beforehand.

78

It might not have been stalking when you found out what street she lived on, but you most certainly crossed that line when you “decided to take their dog for a walk down the street.” Your only intention at that point was trying to catch a glimpse of her or find more information (a car, a name on a mailbox) that told you she was there.

And sorry, but when someone has plans that they’re interested in keeping, they don’t “fall asleep early.”

Every single thing you have said in this thread is overwhelming evidence that this girl isn’t interested in you. Let it go.

79

Yeah, nothing stalker-ish about that.

Dude. Please. Stop.

80

Yeah and theres nothing helpful about your comments. But, I will.