(Whiny and somewhat disjointed).
My relationship with my father has long been … difficult … but recently it has deteriorated considerably. This is causing me immense stress and distress. The proximate cause - he has long enjoyed expressing his disappointment in me - is my aunt, his sister. We have both been appointed Deputies by the Court of Protection for my aunt’s affairs. Some Dopers may recall the problems we had last year with lawyers. Recently he was abusive (over the phone) to a contractor’s secretary and had a stand-up argument with said contractor in the middle of the street. The contractor was entirely in the right, of course. And the latest issue has been Dry Rot. Today was really the last straw. We had several arguments - he loves arguments - and he attempted several put-downs. For instance, I reported that I had seen an advert from a major building society offering a 10% interest rate; instead of saying something like, “How interesting, can you find out more?” he launched into a huge argument (one of the Abbey National ISAs, for those interested). He also nihilipilificated [sup]1[/sup] my experiences with estate agents (realtors) and my researches into auctioneers. I had also cleared a cabinet filled with dry rot spores: he looked at it and a nearby shelf and said, “Is that all you managed to save?”, when I’d spent ages washing the items and moving them to safe places, which I then showed him. No apology, of course. Another one: we came across a trunk with my uncle’s (mother’s brother) initials stencilled on the top: he simply denied that it could be my uncle’s, despite having my uncle’s name writtenon the inside - he probably gave it to my mother when she married my father. I know these are minor - and I am deliberately not revealing more serious things - but it is the long cumulative effect of a vast number of such incidents. He doesn’t want me there, he dislikes my help, he doesn’t appreciate what I have done or sacrificed. He must win every battle, must be seen to be on top in everything, have the last word. His last words to me today were, “Piss off”. He is, in short, behaving like a domineering argumentative arsehole. I’m very much the coward and tend to retreat from such situations turning sour and on a number of occasions he has angered me very greatly indeed.
I really can’t take it any more.
So, I’m thinking of giving up and leaving the entire matter in his hands. Return to paid employment (I have to be careful but my finances are not an immediate issue) and let him have his win in full. I really can’t handle the stress this is causing - both to myself and to the wider family.
But for him it would be very much a Pyrrhic victory. He’s in his 80s, and it is a huge amount of work for someone his age. It will drive him to an earlier grave. And while he looked fine to me today, yesterday my mother reported that he was not looking at all well despite having recently returned from a very relaxing cruise. I am also very much concerned for his mental health - his mental capacity has clearly declined and he is well aware of it.
The alternative of my taking over entirely is not on: he’s on the court documents and he’d be very much the backseat driver even if he did yield initially.
And despite all my complaining, he is my father and I do love him.
How sayeth the Dope?
1 - I’ve been aching to use that word for some time.