Yes, yes. I like this - but it’s much too articulate to resonate with the surrounding 12-year-old crowd. Try it like this: “You are just mad because you like me, but I don’t like you because you are… [insert word, e.g. ugly, stupid, smelly.]” Personally, I’d pick ugly. Then repeat this statement ad nauseum whenever he’s messing with her. Teach her to stick to the message. Repeat that same statement over and over. Yes, it’s brutal. Yes, it’s fighting fire with fire. Yes, he will eventually need psychotherapy to overcome the damage inflicted when his crush turns on him and calls him ugly. But school (like war) is hell.
There’s not a lot of information to work with but I also got the impression that the boy is trying to save face in a childish way, as kids are wont to do. I think trying to one up him with comebacks is misguided in this case. Specially with nerdy and ineffectual scripted comebacks. Your daughter probably didn’t handle his interest in the best manner either, as kids are wont to do. Showing interest is usually flattering, unless the kid is a complete jackass. If the daughter snubbed him she also bruised his ego unnecessarily.
It’s not her job to flatter his ego, though. I’m not sure why his feelings matter all that much since he’s basically proven her right in rejecting him.
I really have no idea how this would go over, but when getting panhandled on the street, I’ve been known to politely say, 'No, thanks" and just keep on going. It throws the other person off their stride while you make your getaway.
It’s not her job to bruise it either so what’s your point? I’d rather not humiliate people who show an interest on me. Not saying that’s how it played out but it’s not a difficult concept to grasp.
Yeah, but if someone doesn’t go out with you, you don’t have the right to go around harassing them. Anyway, we don’t even know if she did “humiliate” him. We do know that he is attempting to humiliate her, though.
If they do it by harassing me, I do. No on the slap, though. Violence is not the answer in a civilized society. Is there no authority she can appeal to? It kind of surprises me that kids get away with sexually harassing one another in ways that would get them fired from their job if they were an adult. Yet teachers ignore the behavior. It’s frigging bizarre.
Er, have you read the OP? The evidence is in: he and his goons are complete jackasses, otherwise they wouldn’t be calling her a lesbian.
Yes, I have. According to the OP the rejection happened before the name calling started. Before someone comes in to say rejection does not excuse harassment, that’s not what I’m saying either. I’m firmly on the “harassment is wrong, period” side of the fence.
You should let her know that if she decides to start a fight with someone who’s probably bigger than she is (although if it’s at that age, he may not be), she shouldn’t be surprised if it ends with her losing teeth. If she’s bigger than he is, she should be prepared for police to be called on her.
I’ve been slapped by women a few times. Each time they were surprised to be smacked back - harder.
I know why she didn’t slap him.
She knows that shit splatters:)
Practice the following:
Slapping is not an option, because it could get her suspended, expelled, or arrested.
Telling the teacher is not going to help much, because the teacher can’t always be on hand when this crap goes down. If you’re going to go to the administration, start writing down dates, times, and comments, then go to the principal, and insist that it be dealt with, or the district will hear from your lawyer (and get yourself a lawyer, don’t bluff).
If you’re not willing to go that far, then your daughter has to fight back, and she has to fight back as nasty and mean as possible to end it quickly. Practice with her. Develop comebacks that are as brutal and emasculating as possible. It has to be so bad that the boys in question won’t open their mouths around her again, for fear that she’ll call them dick-sucking eunuchs.
[sub]Bitter? No, I’m not bitter. Not at all. Why do you ask?[/sub]
They’re 12 year olds. :rolleyes:
If my 12 year old daughter spoke like that it would be greater cause for concern than being called a lesbian at school.
In any case being crass isn’t a putdown.
She’s defending herself against some douchebag. I don’t see why you’re so defensive of the guy.
And I do think it’s very important that this kid learn that he’s not able to get away with this kid of crap. I think part of the reason so many guys think that they should be able to get away with pressuring a woman into going farther than she wants or outright raping her is due to the attitude that, “Oh, boys will be boys,” or “He’s just lovesick.” There is no excuse, ever, for treating someone like this.
Yes, it is. Especially in this part of the world.
I’m not, please don’t mischaracterize what I said.
I think you are projecting a lot of stuff that simply isn’t there but only the OP can clarify that. The OP never once used the word harass, only “tease”. That’s a lot milder and doesn’t suggest to me that this child could be a potential rapist.
I don’t mean that he’s a potential rapist or that he’s necessarily even sexually harassing her. Just that permissive attitudes towards stuff in early stages can lead to guys feeling like they can do whatever they want when they’re older and that it doesn’t matter if a girl says no.
Then don’t conflate the issue with sexual harassment. He’s a child lashing out in a child-like mean-spirited way and of course he should be punished for that. Meanwhile I don’t think that the best way for the OP’s daughter to defend herself is to stoop to his level. And I stand by my suggestion that maybe she could use this to learn how to reject a boy’s advances in a more mature way. The fact that he’s become a jerk after being rejected doesn’t negate that fact, if indeed that’s how it happened (and I’m not saying it was).
I think it’s teasing more than harassing. I do agree with Freudian Slit to a certain extent though, because I see it all the time. Boys are allowed to get away with all sorts of stuff because ‘boys will be boys’ and then their wild behaviour is treated as proof of that.
To give an update, today at school the boy apologised to my daughter, and promised not to call her names again. She has accepted his apology. I don’t know what prompted him, maybe he just thought it over.
Thanks to everyone for their comments. It helped me clarify my thinking a bit.
Weedy, I am also in Sydney. My daughter started high school last year. She went through a similar, but more extensive, situation and the outcome was very good.
Her school appoints a contact teacher/year advisor for each incoming year, and that teacher remains the contact teacher for those kids and their parents for the next 6 years, and also goes on all their school camps (along with other, varying, teachers, as needed). The year advisor is the first point of contact for a parent with any enquiries about “stuff”. So he helps the kids adapt to high school, and helps the parents adapt as well.
When she first told me what was happening, it was one boy, and I told her he probably just had a crush, and to say “no thanks, she was too young to date”, (which she had already done) and deal with it. Initially it had been one boy, but when she said she wasn’t interested, it became a group of them backing up the first one. At some point over a couple of weeks it stopped being teasing and became harassing. I told her the fault was not hers, it was the boys’, and suggested we talk to her year advisor. She was loath, as one of the incidents had been in class. That teacher hadn’t reacted to it, so she felt all teachers wouldn’t react. I talked through scenarios with her, and got her to practice come-back lines on me.
And I talked to her year advisor.
Hoo-boy, did he do a great job!!
The bullying stopped within 24 hours. And he did it tactfully. And he let her know that the teacher who hadn’t reacted in class had noticed it, and had reported it. She came out of it stronger, knowing how to say “No, stop that. I am not interested and you are making me uncomfortable.” loudly and mean it. She knew the staff were behind her, and when the boys started it again later in the year it bothered her less cos she knew she could get it stopped. (Her comment.)
One thing the year advisor said that stuck with me was that it happens every year. New school, bright cocky kids trying to stake out new turf, trying to copy the older “cool” kids and making a hash of it. And as a bonus there are immature boys (and girls!) not knowing how to deal with their first crush.
So I would strongly recommend against slapping. It isn’t going to solve the problem, and may wind up getting her in trouble.
I would (and did) get my child to role-play comebacks. Age appropriate ones - talking about the boys’ dicks is not going to help at all. Sarcasm is her friend (see Poysyn). Or be straightforward (see Martini Enfield). Whatever is her style. If nothing else it helps her feel stronger.
I would not, at this stage, go in all guns blazing to the principal and every school official I could find as one poster suggested. Does your child’s school have a year advisor? Other options, at least at my kid’s school, are student welfare teachers and school counselors. They should also be able to sort out, from other teacher feedback on class dynamics, whether it is teasing or bullying. And if you are willing to hear it, they can give you feedback on whether your child is provoking part of it.
If your child’s school is as well organised as my kid’s, they know the “new turf/crush” thing happens every year and have strategies to deal with it when it does.