A conversation through the bathroom door this morning, between myself and The Cat Who Walks Alone, who is a junior in high school this year. She and I talked about this before, last year, and I am bringing it up again with her, because it’s a different situation, a new friend with a different car and a daughter who is (theoretically, at least :rolleyes: ) a year older and more mature.
Me: “Allison’s picking you up every morning now, definitely?”
Cat: “Yes.”
Me: “Is this in Allison’s own car?”
Cat: “Yes.”
Me: “How is she paying for gas?”
Cat: “I dunno…she has a job at the [name] Bookstore, and I guess her parents give her some money, too.”
Me: “You should offer her a couple of bucks for gas money every so often, it’s the polite thing to do.”
Cat: [loud martyred sigh] “Mom, it’s right on her way to school.”
Me: “Yes, but it’s still the polite thing to do. She can turn it down if she doesn’t really need it.”
Cat: [another sigh] “Mom, this isn’t the Sixties anymore.”
Effective end of conversation.
We’re not talking a serious car pool here, just a couple of high school girls on their way to school. They’re not best buddies or anything like that–I’m not even sure why Allison is giving her a ride to school in the first place. She’s a senior and there’s no way the Cat can ever trade rides. She doesn’t need a ride to school (says the Mom who had to walk 15 miles both way through blizzards to get to school ); according to the odometer, it’s just under a mile, a distance she can easily walk in 15 or 20 minutes.
I just happen to feel that it’s polite to offer a couple of bucks for gas money every so often to somebody who’s giving you a ride on a long-term basis. The Cat disagrees.
What is The Cat’s economic situation? If she doesn’t have a job, she’s more likely to feel that you’re telling her to give her scarce money to someone who has a job (and therefore doesn’t need The Cat’s scratch.)
Enough for motivation. I agree with you 100%. Tell The Cat it’s polite to reciprocate in some way when someone does you a long-term favor.
That said, are there creative ways to repay? Can The Cat bake something or do a craft that Allison might appreciate?
And what does your wife say (other than she doesn’t need the ride at all)? This is one of those areas where if the parents don’t present a united front, you won’t get anywhere at all.
(Whaddya mean, it’s not the 60s? When did they end?)
(Especially if this is an “every morning” or “couple of times every week” situation. (I don’t offer to pay for every one-time five-minute lift, I just offer the next person who needs one a lift.)
Along with being polite, (primary reason), it is also a good way to assure people that you are not trying to take advantage of them. This is no big deal–until a situation comes up in which you might be seen as the type of person who would take advantage of someone else. It never hurts to have demonstrated that you are not “one of those.” (really low secondary reason)
You are correct. Tell your daughter she can either be a selfish-mooch-user or she can offer some money. Allison doesn’t have to take it although I’m sure she will but its always better to offer.
Better that than Allison being able to say 9(not that she would) “I give her a ride to school every day and she never offers me any money.” This would make Cat look very selfish and user-ish.
Last thing I remember wanting to be known as in school was a “user”. And it wasn’t THAT long ago, doggone it!
Yeah it would surely be the nice thing to do.
I drove a friend of mine my senior year. He was a freshman at the time and it was out of my way to pick him up, but I offered to drive him, so I wasn’t doing it to get money. But I’m sure the driver(Allison, I think?) would appreciate it.
Hey, I’m with you 100%. I’ve been on both sides of that situation–passenger and driver–and I know how it was appreciated and how I appreciated it. No, I didn’t need the money. But it was a gesture of appreciation. And there were definitely mornings I would’ve stayed home sick from school, but dragged my behind out of bed because I had to drive people. Yes, that was way back in the 80s, but I don’t think things have changed so much.
If it’s a matter of your daughter not wanting to make a big deal or a ritual out of it, maybe she could make a point of noticing if her ride is a little low on gas some morning and just telling the girl that she’d like to fill it up as a gesture of appreciation. That way she could help out and not feel like she’s ‘paying’ for her ride. If your daughter is younger and her ride is a senior–the feeling of paying for her ride to school may make her (the cat…) feel less like she is actually friends with the senior. I remember how neat it was to have older friends. I wouldn’t have wanted to feel like I was paying for their attention.
I’m probably way off. But, that’s an idea for you anyway. And I don’t think you’re out of place. And I don’t see what’s wrong with doing nice things–especially when you don’t have to do them. My mother would have put $2 in an envelope and asked me to give it to the girl from HER, knowing I’d sneak a look inside, feel guilty, give her back her money and pay the girl myself.
As an adult, a realization that still startles me at my age, I would agree that, as a courtesy, some pittance should be offered.
In high school, in 10th grade, I did not drive and used to bum a ride from a good friend of mine who did. I never offered him gas money, assuming that his 1/2 mile out of the way journey to drop me off at my Dad’s place of work, where he could take me home was something friends did. When he started leaving before I arrived, I realized that perhaps my friend didn’t agree. Later, when we had more time to hang out together, I found out that it did irritate him that I never offered him gas money now and then.
Ok I’ll side with Cat. Just because nobody else will.
Come on…Jeeze mom don’t embarass me by making my friendship a business deal.
Actually,
Was the ride thing Cat’s or Cat’s friend idea. If the friend volunteered to do it and it is on the way and less then a mile I could see leaving cash out of the deal.
The big question is after school. Does the friend drive Cat around to other places? Then some cash for the driver is a good idea.
I had a freind in high school that kept a Crown Royal bag in his car and when he gave rides he made people give him the change in their pockets to pay for gas. Whatever change you had you paid. One penny or three bucks in change didn’t matter or how far you went didn’t matter. Everyone thought that this was pretty cool and didn’t mind because things pretty much evened out over time.
TomH asks - why isn’t she walking? This is Amurrica buddy! We don’t walk in this country. You’re from England aren’t you?
Zebra - since you have 2¢ please drop them in this moderator bag. Thank you very much. The rest of you empty your pockets.
My argument - This all depends on high school popularity levels. If The Cat is with the “in crowd” and Allison is a loser, then Allison should be grateful for the chance for getting her foot in the door of the cool kids. If Allison is the prom queen and The Cat is the misfit, then The Cat should be paying dearly for the privilege.
I knew those John Hughes movies would come in handy some day!
No question about it. It would be considerate to offer some money for gas. Unfortunately, the whole parent-child dynamic will make it hard for you to convince her of this fact. I don’t know your daughter, but if she’s like 80% of the kids in this world, she will instinctively think contrarily to whatever you tell her. Hopefully you can get across to her all the reasons that it’s a good idea for her to offer the money. Even from a selfish perspective, the good favor she’d gain by giving the money is well worth the money itself.
Just wanted to agree with everyone else. When my best friend would drive me home senior year (and this was 1999, not some long-ago era), I would always give her gas money – it didn’t matter that we lived in the same neighborhood, or that she didn’t ask for it, it’s just the right thing to do.
If they traded rides, I would say no.
If it was only once a month or in emergencies, I would say no.
Considering this is every day, all the time I would say yes - give’er gas money.
It seems most people here agree that an offer of gas money would be appropriate. Your daughter may even be able to see your point on a theoretical level but may be stumped as to how to actually do it. She may be imagining having to ask if her friend wants the money, which then puts her friend in the awkward position of agreeing that, yes, she would like to be paid for her services.
There are plenty of less formal (and less awkward) ways to do it, though. For instance, your daughter could, when she gets into the car, have a couple bucks at hand to just stick into the coin tray while saying something like, “here’s some gas money. I thought I should chip in once in a while, since you drive me so often.” Then her friend can make some polite “oh no, you don’t have to do that” noises, and it’s over.
If the thought of actual money changing hands is simply too much for your daughter, I would strongly encourage her to give her friend a small thank you gift, perhaps once in the middle of the school year and again at the end?
These sort of social niceties can seem artificial and awkward to young people, but they are important skills that will serve her well as she grows up.
); according to the odometer, it’s just under a mile, a distance she can easily walk in 15 or 20 minutes.
This is Amurrica buddy! We don’t walk in this country. You’re from England aren’t you?