I feel almost stupid even asking this question, since it was so ingrained in me while growing up that the answer is YES. But I notice that many people my age (twenty-something) seem to feel absolutely no need to afford any particular care or consideration with the elderly. The few times I’ve talked about it with people, the general attitude is “So? Being old doesn’t mean they deserve any more respect.” I’m starting to feel positively Japanese in comparison.
So what do you think? Do the elderly deserve any more respect than the middle-aged or the young? Is being deferential to the elderly actually ageist in the same way that holding open doors for women is sexist? Are YOU deferential to the elderly, and why?
My view is that people must earn my respect; so no, I don’t act deferentially to the elderly based on that, because generally most elderly people are strangers to me.
However…because I don’t know them, I don’t know if they are worthy of my respect - and I choose to err on the side of caution and so i’m generally pretty polite, just in case. If I know them, or know enough of them to judge their worthiness (according to my opinions), then i’ll adjust my actions towards them.
Deferential as in respect ? No. Physically deferential, like letting them have a seat instead of me, or carrying/lifting stuff for them ? Yes. Being old doesn’t make you a better person, but it does make you physically weaker. My feet, knees and back can take standing around and hauling stuff much better than an 80 year old’s.
They are are nearly at the end of their lives, I am far from the end of mine (I hope). I respect the elderly. I figure every aged person is somebody’s grandparent, and I think of how I’d want my own grandparents to be treated. Or how I’d want to be treated when I am that age. Golden rule and all that.
(I have to throw in: One of the nicest people I’ve known outlived her husband and her dog, to be survived only by a great-niece and great-nephew who barely knew her. Logically, everyone has grandparents, but not everyone will have grandchildren. I won’t, by virtue of not having children, so I’ll have to be a Crazy Cat Lady.)
I’m not entirely certain that the particular form of courtesy we use now will last out the next 30 years-- I talk to a lot of people in the course of my work, and I’ve noticed that while infants and toddlers tend to be “William” and “Katherine,” those in their 50’s tend to be referred to as “Bill” and “Katie” (generally with a healthy dose of “Mr. — is my father, call me Bill!”).
Will this replace the current Mr/Mrs standard in the next 30 years? My own mother is not nearly as annoyed by not being called Mrs. Smith as she is by being called her first name-- because she doesn’t use her first name. Anyone, stranger or friend, is welcome to use the name she goes by.
I’d actually say that many of the things we think of as “deferential” are allowing for the specific attributes of the elderly-- so they’re not sexist, any more than, say, basing something on an assumption that women on the average are shorter than men. Aging makes it harder to remember things, especially new information (new phone number, for instance); it can be harder to understand new concepts-- pile that on top of difficulty hearing, or unfamiliarity with new technical terms, and you’ve got an ongoing communication problem.
I would do my best to be just as polite and understanding to any person who had decreased mobility and independence, or chronic health issues (I don’t want to say problems-- it’s natural that we lose strength and flexibility as we age, somewhat, but it DOES make us cranky). It just so happens that the elderly are the largest group like this that I know.
Absolutely I am extremely deferential. They’re slower, they’re sicker, they’re much more at the mercy of other people’s good will, plus they have more experience than me in life. For the very old, if they’re out and about that probably wasn’t all that easy to do in the first place and they’re probably tired and struggling and a little nervous about how they’re going to be treated. They shouldn’t have to fight for my attention or to make themselves understood, or to “earn my respect.”
Should we? We should treat every person with the respect he or she deserves. Whilst figuring out the level of respect deserved, everyone should be treated respectfully.
Should the elderly get a greater dose of respect, all things being equal? Physically, yes. I believe they should get a little more leeway in other respects, but in the end, age alone does not garner and keep respect.
Seriously asking for advice (with every intention of following it) is a hallmark of respect, right?
In that case, now that I think about it…no. Exceptions of any age aside, in general, the knowledge and morals of people over sixty-five have become… kinda outdated, it seems. Or maybe I just don’t know that many elderly folks I respect.
I don’t even like * old people much, but I certainly do give them all my respect and more. I was raised in a culture that values old people and reveres them.
It’s hard being old. All the aches and pains come to you with a vengeance.
*I mean all the people who can’t see over their steering wheels, all the people who stop in the middle of the aisle in the grocery store, all the people who consider it their right to be completely mean and cantankerous just because they are old.
I’m the same way, and old people seem to love me. Working in a museum, I come in contact with a lot of them, and work with two elderly people. When I’m giving the elderly tours, I speak a little more loudly, and try to ennunciate a little more clearly. If they forget I just told them something a moment ago, I act like it’s an entirely new question.
The trick is to be deferential, but not patronizing-- help them out, but make it look like you were going to do ______ anyway. “Oh, I was going upstairs to drop something off. Let me take that box with me.” or “I spilled some crumbs under my desk. I’ll just vaccuum the other rooms while I’m at it.”
I try to smile at elderly people whenever I see them on the street and say hello. (This is a regional thing, I know. In some areas, if you say hello to a stranger, they look at you funny.) I’ve noticed that some younger people tend to treat the elderly like they’re invisible. Just acknowledging them seems to make them happy.
I also try not to walk around them unless I’m in a terrible hurry. Why embarass them by pointing out that they’re a bit slower with an impatient pass? Besides, it gives me a moment to look around and enjoy my environment-- smell the roses, so to speak.
Lastly, just listening to them for a moment is such a gift. Even if you’ve heard the story a dozen times, or if its a boring recital of their medical woes, just to give them a moment of your attention and a sympathetic word or two is a kindness.
I always try to keep in mind that I’ll be there myself, not too long from now.
I stood and watched some slacker sitting on the bus next to a DISABLED elderly person who had to stand. It makes me sad to see that they have to post signs on public transportation telling people they need to give up their seats to those in need. It used to be understood.
But maybe in this case you should step into the breach and ask the slacker to stand so that the older disabled person can sit. Of course, you can’t make the slacker stand, but you can embarrass him a little. When we stand by passively, we lose the right to criticize.
I don’t think there is a general rule to this. I’ve spend more time that I’d like in South Florida and I’ve met some of the nastiest old people there. I think I try to treat all people with respect, but I’ve certainly met many old people who are still a two year old at heart.
That’s because most 20-somethings are entirely wrapped up in the social lives of themselves and other 20-somethings. This narcissism is partially biological in nature but is also augmented by the media and the marketers, who are after their disposable income.
There rarely is something new under the sun, even though we all tend to think our particular generation is unique. Dementia or alzheimers aside, it makes a lot of sense to ask advice of older folks, especially older family members who’ve known you for a long time. Still, you have to make up your own mind in the end.
As far as physical deference, absolutely. Who wants to be old in the first place-- the least we younger folks can do is make it a little bit easier. We’ll all be there someday.
I ride the bus every day, so I see this way more than I would like. However, there is one driver, who when an elderly, or infirm person gets on the bus, points to one of the sullen teens* that is inevitably in the front seats, and says “You! Out!”
*Not all teens are sullen, but the ones that sit in the front seat of a bus and don’t give their seat to someone who needs it more, tend to be.
Pretty much how I feel. Whether they deserve respect or not depends on familiarity. If we’re talking a stranger in the street, I always give the benefit of the doubt and mind my manners. If it’s someone I know, then I treat them accordingly.
