People’s tolerances vary. I don’t have more than one drink if I’m driving; and that one with food, and over a period of time. Depending on the length of time and the person, some people could have two or three over the course of the party; maybe even more if it’s a really long party. Some people can’t have more than a sip or two, and may well want to have none at all. Usually of course not everybody will be driving, because there’s often more than one person in a car; and in some situations some people may be walking; in which case they’re a whole lot less likely to damage somebody else than if they were driving a car.
Yup.That’s one kind of party and there’s nothing wrong with it, whatever the reasons are that people are staying over.
What’s rude isn’t having that kind of party, or staying over at that kind of party. And it’s certainly not rude to ask before drinking if it’ll be OK to stay over, if one’s got that sort of relationship with the hosts or otherwise knows that they often give that sort of party, or even with the right phrasing if one’s just trying to clarify what sort of party it is. What’s rude is assuming that all parties must be the same type of party, and that at any party one goes to it’s OK to pass out on any convenient surface, or for that matter to go off and screw in whatever bedroom didn’t have anybody in it when you opened the door. And getting indignant at anybody who gives a different sort of party, even if you behave yourself at it or just don’t go, is being intolerant of people’s differences.
That’s not behavior that you’re describing in this post I’m replying to right now. But it’s behavior that’s been defended in this thread, and that’s what I was addressing.
This is my experience, too. My only regular “late party with alcohol” is my New Year’s Eve party, and I always let guest know that they are welcome to stay if they aren’t comfortable driving home. I’ve yet to have anyone take me up on that. Nor have I ever thought, “wow, Joe had a lot to drink, I shouldn’t let him drive home.” My guests always appear to be sober when they leave.
Surely this person knows when he accepts the invitation whether he plans to spend the night, and this must be something that you expect and plan for. This is not someone “crashing”, this is someone you have invited to spend the night.
Huh, I’ve had numerous kids fall asleep at my parties. Their parents have always just bundled them into their car seats and taken them home. It is amusing to write the lost&found email the next morning and mention the pair of pants that was removed from a toddler (perhaps underplaying the “toddler” part in the email for giggles) but that’s about as exciting as it gets.
I am sorry to hear about the entire story. I actually got a bit verklempt when reading the reveal. I hope Bea is able to find some joy in her last days and your family is able to say goodbye.
As to the general conversation regarding dry events, it is fascinating reading these replies. I grew up Muslim, and therefore, have attended a number of dry events. What I remember most is in these dry family dinners and get togethers or weddings was just how late everyone stayed and enjoyed each other’s company (though a lot of time talking about the ‘good ole days’ in Pakistan or whatnot).
Anyway, when I got married a few years back, the reception was a dry one. We held it at a South Asian Muslim banquet hall and it likely would have been a dick move to bring alcohol to a place that made sure to mention it served halal meat. We did have a cocktail reception at the church after the service for people to have a drink or two before driving over to the reception. IIRC, people tended to stay fairly late at the reception (or at least past 10pm)
I don’t know. Much like the sex-party, I think it’s a bit different when you are in your 30s or 40s than in your teens and 20s. At the younger parties, people tended to drink to get shitfaced. So if you weren’t getting shitfaced, they were kind of boring. At more mature parties, I think it’s less of a social hindrance to not be drinking. Especially if the people drinking only have a few drinks more than the people who don’t drink at all.
I didn’t have the time to read all 189 replies so forgive me if I’m repeating.
I was just thinking this weekend about how fun it would be to have a 70s themed party. Dress up in your favorite 70s attire, eat and dance. I would invite family, friends and possibly neighbors. I would not be serving alcohol though.
My mom and aunt are both recovering alcoholics - they’ve been sober for over 15 years. My husband quit drinking about 5 years ago. Was he an alcoholic? Probably because his dad and many of his aunts, uncles and cousins were/are. I was never a big drinker, but quit drinking when my husband did. I don’t feel it would be fair for me to drink in front of him. And frankly, I don’t care if I ever have another drink. It was never my thing. So our family get togethers have been dry for quite a while and no one complains about it. When alcohol is part of a celebration, like a wedding, my husband, mom and aunt are fine with it. My husband will usually make a comment though about it being kind of hard watching people drinking and that he won’t have as much fun. But he always has a good time and will admit to it afterwards.
Back to my party - I’m not sure the friends and neighbors we’d invite would be thrilled to come to a dry party. I would announce it with the invitation. But I picture them all standing around not enjoying themselves because they couldn’t drink. I’m probably overthinking it but it has made me hold back on actually going through with the party.
Not worrying about guests drinking and driving home is also a consideration.
I wouldn’t worry about it. It wouldn’t put me or most of the people I know off; and anyone who is put off by it will probably just decline. (Though I wouldn’t assume that people who decline are doing so for that reason; there are lots of other possible reasons, including but not limited to the resurgence of covid.)
And it reads to me that if you do have alcohol, you still won’t be making everybody happy, because the people who’d rather have a dry party (including your husband, whose house it presumably also is) won’t be happy.
It’s never possible to please everybody. Give the kind of party you want to give. If you want, you can have another party somewhere else and invite different people.
And there may be friends and neighbors who are “oh, thank God…Alex will not end up sloppy drunk and make a pass at Maggie like at the block party.” There are people for whom party = alcohol (and I will admit that I prefer my parties boozy, but won’t turn down an invite just because its dry), but there are also people relieved to find social events where you depend on good company for a good time.
I guess my opinions here are right at the peak of the bell curve. I prefer parties with alcohol, and though I’m open to dry events, I think fair warning is warranted. I would be more irked at being told not to bring alcohol to a potluck than I would be if a teetotaling host simply didn’t provide alcohol. I would also be irked if I detected a hint of moralizing in the way the message was communicated, and that might put me off attending even though I’m perfectly capable of having fun sober.
The way the host in the OP handled it would’ve rankled me, though I feel compassion now knowing at least part of the reason she had to scramble. I think the ideal way to handle it would have been to contact each guest and explain that, due to a family member’s addiction, we needed to make this a dry event. As a guest, I would have said “no problem” and not asked any follow-up questions; anyone who desperately needed the sordid details could’ve asked.
I’m horrified to learn there are social circles in which it is “certainly not uncommon” for people in their 30s and 40s to wander off from a party to an available bedroom to have sex. I didn’t even put up with people doing that in my first apartment, when I was 21 and let friends bring friends of friends I’d never met to my parties. If anyone in my circle at my age now got drunk enough to do something like that, I think the rest of us would stage an intervention.
I guess I’m surprised at the number of people whose idea of a “wet” party is everybody screwing everybody else (including the dog), stripping off their clothes, getting nasty, sloppy drunk, etc.
I’ve been going to parties for many decades, and I’d say they’ve all*** been “wet.” Not officially, but people who wanted to drink did, those who didn’t didn’t. The drinking people didn’t get out of control, and I’ve never known anyone get into an accident or get arrested for DUI after any party I’ve attended. If anyone did invite me to a dry party, I’d be fine with that, although without an explanation, if it was a party for adults, I’d be curious about why it was dry.
It seems that if you’re a “dry” person who mostly attends “dry” parties, you have a teen movie idea of a what a “wet” party is.
*** The only officially dry party I’ve ever attended was the Mormon wedding reception. Which was short, sweetish, and boring.
The posters who are talking about people going off to a bedroom to get laid in the middle of the party are referring to a specific post in the thread. (#162). I don’t think anybody’s saying all parties with alcohol are like that – most are saying specifically that they aren’t. And my point about going naked wasn’t that everybody does at parties with alcohol either; it was entirely the opposite, a response to a claim that dry parties restrict individual liberty by pointing out that individual liberty is routinely restricted in various other ways which the person who made the claim took for granted.
Well, yeah, pretty much everybody disagreed with him about that. I was talking more about the general vibe. I don’t drink a heck of a lot, and I don’t hang out with people who regularly get shit-faced, but I also don’t feel I have to drink at a party. When my BiL was having a relatively minor issue with drinking, he stopped drinking completely for a few years, But he always had wine for me when I came over for dinner, and vicariously enjoyed it with me. I can still remember the great wine he has at our last Christmas before the Great Pandemic – a retirement gift from his boss (who obviously wasn’t too clued in).
I would have read the “general vibe” as that it’s the people who think every party needs booze who seem to have a wilder idea of what happens at ordinary parties. Most of my parties are “wet” in that there is some alcohol available. Most of them are pretty placid affairs, and I can’t recall the last time anyone got drunk in my home.
This is true for me, too. But how many people here think a party has to have booze, especially if there are extenuating circumstances later explained by the OP? I think the booze-positive agreed that, in particular cases, there are times for booze-free parties. If the circumstances had been explained in the beginning, I think most of the responses would have been different to some degree.
