Should you play out rape fantasies?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’m not sure about this… I abhor rape as a crime and so I’m very cautious of playing this game. On the other hand, I would happily indulge any of my SO’s desires and don’t want to disappoint.

Is this a good game to play? Are there things I should be wary of? The thing I am most worried about is determining the difference between ‘Stop!’ being part of the game (she’s a good actress), and ‘Stop!’ meaning I don’t want to play anymore.

Advice welcome, especially from female dopers.

2

I was thumbing through a Playboy once and in the advice column there was a letter from a woman who wondered if there was something wrong with her wanting to do the ole rape fantasy. The response was that she wanted to be overpowered, which is distinctly different from wanting to be raped. (By definition rape is something one doesn’t want.) They went on to say that this is fairly common, yadda, yadda, yadda. That’s the best I can do for you.

3

Isn’t there normally a safe word that means stop? Rather than trying to tell the difference of whether a woman is playing or really screaming stop, as soon as she utters the safety word that would otherwise have no context in the game the partner is suppose to stop.
I think I would have to highly trust my partner before I played this game. I’d have to know for sure that they would stop if I needed them to, not get caught up in their own moment and ignore me.

4

Ditto on the safety word. Choose a word that would not normally come up in the context of sex and go into the scene knowing that if either partner says that word the scene is immediately halted.

I would also suggest talking with your partner well in advance of the scene and making sure s/he is aware of any issues with such a scene that you might have and use that talk to help you decide whether it’s something the two of you should explore in the first place. Just because one partner has a fantasy doesn’t mean the other partner is obligated to fulfil it.

That being said, there’s nothing wrong with abhoring rape as a crime and indulging in rape as a fantasy.

5

You have to pick a safeword that you wouldn’t ordinarily say. It shouldn’t be something you’d imagine yourself saying as part of the fantasy. I’d pick “Papa Smurf” or something ludicrous like that. This way, there’s no mistaking when the person wants you to stop for real.

6

Smurf me, baby! Smurf me hard!
[sup]sorry…[/sup]

7

Okay then, how about “Scooby Dooby Dooooooooo!!!”

8

IIRC, we covered much of this same ground a couple years ago viz. jarbabyj. There were some pretty strong opinions expressed, but I think the concensus was to come up with the safety word and only “play” after some pretty close heart-to-heart discussions with your partner. One of the biggest issues, again, IIRC, was finding someone who was comfortable in the role of rapist.

9

Thanks, good advice… although I have a worrying suspicion that you have now implanted small blue men in my subconscious. Presumably in the role of the aggressor, chuckling is to be avoided?

Thanks for good advice from others. I agree that this is something that should be fully discussed in advance.

10

From what I’ve read from Dan Savage (whose column I think is great), it sounds like various flavors of domination fantasies are common and natural. The safety word is an obvious thing to take heed of, but the best advice I’ve heard to people who want to engage in this sort of thing is that both people understand that the person who is “being dominated” needs to be the one who is calling the shots and the “dominator” is fulfilling the fantasy per their partner’s wishes. Somebody correct me if I’m wrong.

That was a hell-of a run-on sentence.

11

Are the man?
If you have problems playing ‘the bad guy’ that is something to talk to your partner as well. Many men may feel uncomfortable with the idea that they are going to ‘play rough’ with the woman they love.
But then again she would owe you, soooo.

12
      • It has been my experience that the more the woman knows the man, the less she wants any “safe word” at all. The couple “fighters” I dated never mentioned any such agreement or word.
  • I tend to point this tendency (towards rape fantasies) whenever someone gets going on a “rape is bad and you should never ever do it” pulpit, because as I and IRL friends have seen it, it is rather common to one degree or another. I have run across a couple girls who liked to “play hard” myself, and friends have told me of a few that were (what I consider to be) seriously hardcore: they expect bruises, welts and scrapes regularly, in places that are not visible mixed company. That doesn’t mean it’s acceptable from just anybody, but they seem to want guys to push farther and farther and farther (doing new/different stuff every time), but not go too far. So now anytime I hear about a girl getting raped I tend to wonder about her history first.
  • The other peculiarity is that sometimes some girls like to try to fight the guy they like guy off, but like to lose. Or maybe not. But there’s no real way for the guy to know, or even know if he’s the one she likes except to get a bit pushy about it. Much of the time nice guys don’t so much “finish last” as they “never get started in the first place”.
    ~
13

I believe the “rape” fantasy is a pretty common one - because it’s a very safe way for a woman to give up any control over the situation. Many women like the idea of being ‘forced’ to do it - it lets them have rough sex without any stigma attached.

I have to say that I’m offended by DougC’s inference that women who are truly raped may have a “history” of rape fantasies.

There is a HUGE difference between a rape fantasy with your SO and being raped for real.

But I’m not trying to hijack…

14
      • You are getting it backwards: my point was that if a girl has a history of acting this way with a man (or many men), there’s not a lot of way for any particular guy to know what her exact intentions are.
        ~
15

Thank you for saying that first. I completely agree.

A rape FANTASY, playing out having no control over what someone you care about does to you, and actually HAVING no control over what someone does to you are two entirely different things.

Safe word, always have a safe word.

~J

16

Just remember, according to current laws and the present mood, if she says the safety word and you dont stop, you just went from playacting to real life rape. Thats enuf to take the hardness outta the ol pineola…

why dont you use the word “safety” as your safety word. Its easy to say, you both know what it means and it doesnt bring visions of little topless blue people.

17

I suggest “grandmommy.” That ought to deflate the carnality in a hurry.

18

Hubby and I play, well, if not rape, then at least “forceful sex” fantasies. I’m always the Powerless one, and that’s the way we both like it. However, we absolutely have a “safe word”, and we both know that if and when I use it, it means “stop now!” I’ve had to use it a couple of times when things got too intense, and he’s stopped. I wouldn’t try this with anyone that I didn’t trust 100%. It was all my idea to begin with, and we had been married several years before I even approached it.

19

My wife actually suggested a ‘forceful sex’ fantasy several years ago. We have a safe word ‘asparagus’. I was a little cautious about this at first. I’ve since found that this is relatively common fantasy for women to enjoy sex when the man has taken complete control and they have no overt responsibility.

Bad sex for good girls, I guess.