Siblings in your wedding party. Need help.

In My Humble Opinion
1

My brother and his girlfriend are getting officially engaged sometime today. But they started planning their wedding for a month or so now (er…not sure how that works…) and they’ve already gotten a date, a venue for the wedding and reception, and many other details planned out. Including the wedding party.

The bride has her 2 sisters and 2 (or 3?) girlfriends on her side of the wedding party. My brother has chosen 4 (or 5?) friends to stand for him. They have their Best Man and Maid of Honor all set up.

Surprising to myself and my mother, I’m a little hurt about being left out of the wedding party. I’m surprised at myself, because I’m not all “in” to weddings and the hype involved. But I am REALLY close to my brother. We consider eachother to be best friends. And he’s my only brother, I’m his only sister. So I feel a little slighted that I’m not in on what is supposed to be one of the most important things in his life.

I’m not jealous that he’s getting married. I like his girlfriend and they’ve been together 3 years. I hope I will get married some day and that day will be for me, and this day is for him. I’m happy for him and have never thought differently.

My mom and I agree that the girlfriend probably didn’t think of asking me to be in the party because she and I aren’t that close, she’s got very close sisters and girlfriends, and even if she DID bring up the idea of me being in the party to my brother…he may have assumed I wouldn’t be in to it and told her “nah, she doesn’t want to be in the wedding.”

I guess my question is for people who have only one sibling and wether or not they got to be in the wedding party. I’m thinking about the last few weddings I went to…all the ones that had a bride or groom with only one sibling, the sibling was in the wedding. One guy who has 3 sisters and 1 brother had his 1 brother as his best man. One woman who had 3 brothers did NOT have them in the wedding but the groom did have his brother as the best man. Two other weddings had the groom’s sister in the party, and the bride’s brother in the party.

I realize this is mostly up to the bride, and I totally respect that this is “her” day and it’s all up to her. But I just can’t shake feeling a bit slighted.

Am I making too much out of this? What do you think they might ask me to do at the wedding, since I can’t be in it? I have a feeling I might be asked to be “a reader.” woooohoo…

::sigh::

2

Yeah, you’re making too much of it.

3

My brother and his bride performed the “sibling swap”, whereby the groom’s sister is a bridesmaid and the bride’s brother is a groomsman. (The bride’s extra brothers were used as ringbearers/ushers).

When my parents got married, her sister was the Maid of Honor, one of his brothers was the Best Man and the two left over brothers(he had one and she had one) were ushers.

I was also a bridesmaid in a wedding where there were 4 Bridesmaids, 1 Bridesman, 5 Groomsmen, 1 Groomsmaid, and the Bride’s brother gave the Bride away–more or less.

The biggest problem was figuring out how to get people in and out of the front of the church, because two guys in tuxes linking arms just doesn’t work as well as a guy in a tux escorting a lady in a long dress. YMMV, especially if the guys are willing to walk arm in arm in a dignified manner–the two asked to were not. Plus, due to some rearrangement, then two ladies would have had to walk out together, and while they would have done so with dignity, it just looked better to maximise the number of male-female pairs.

So, in other words, I don’t think it is unreasonable for you to feel left out. But, direct as much ire as possible at your brother–not at the bride-to-be. You could easily stand up with the Groomsmen dressed either in a tux or tux-like outfit, or in a gown that matches or co-ordinates with the Bridesmaids, or in a dignified gown that is distinct from the Bridesmaids but similar in character.

I’d be surprised if he thought of any of these options and had her shoot them down, as opposed to her just not being excited about him getting to choose all his attendents and her being stuck with 2 of her sisters, plus 1 of his and then having to choose between all her friends for the remaining spots.

Of course, I’ve been surprised before.

4

I have this impression from people I know that this is one of those things where some people would include siblings automatically in a wedding party of any size (so maybe not if there is a single MOH and no other bridesmaids, but otherwise yes), and then other people who would never in a million years think this was expected, with no malice intended. Maybe it’s a regional thing, or just whatever is common in their crowd, but my gut feeling is that the bride and groom didn’t intend any slight. I would think differently if the bride has a brother who was included in the groom’s party … you didn’t mention this so I am thinking no? Does she have a brother at all?

I would also say that having crossed gender (stupid phrase to describe this, but you know what I mean – the groom’s sister being a “groomsperson” as opposed to a bridesmaid) attendants seems to be becoming more common, but’s it still somewhat unusual and many couples probably don’t even consider this one way or the other or simply prefer to stick with the traditional set-up.

All that said, I feel for you. My brother and I are also extremely close, but it’s unlikely he would ask me to be in his wedding party. I asked him once if he would, mostly in jest, and he said no, unless I pitched a fit about it, in which case he would give in, and then bring it up for the rest of our natural lives as an example of me being a melodramatic bully (I’m older, so um, maybe he is kind of justified in thinking that). Which I have not completely ruled out as an option. But seriously, he’s one of those people who tends toward “let’s keep things traditional.”

So I guess I’m kind of on both sides – I don’t think you were slighted, but I think it’s completely understandable that you are disappointed. Yeah, I have been to a lot of weddings where siblings are readers.

5

If you really want to be in the wedding, you could ask your brother if there is anything you could do, like read from the Bible (if applicable) or read a poem, or light candles or something.

My cousin got married a few years ago. He has three sisters. He only had a best man (best friend) and his bride only had a maid of honor (best friend). He had one sister sing, one sister light candles and one sister read from the Bible. The bride’s brother also read a passage. It was very nice.

6

I was asked to be in my brother’s wedding party, and I think my brother wanted me in the party because I was his baby sister - the guy potty-trained me, and we were close (he’s 10 years older). I was also 16 at the time, so it wasn’t as if I’d have had a husband or something to hang around with otherwise, just our side of the family. However, the bride had 2 sisters, so it started getting sticky from there, not much room for anyone else.

They divorced a few years ago, and my brother is engaged again, and his fiancee also has two sisters. The ceremony will be low-key this time, but if there is a wedding party, I’d hope to be in it. I’m not overly close to her - she’s 36 and I’m 19 - but I think she also understands the value of family and what it means to our side of the family. The more I think about it, the more outrageous it seems for a sibling not to be in the wedding party here, unless you have multiple siblings the same gender as the person marrying into the family, then the youngest or one closest to the sibling being married would be in the party.

7

I have two brothers. I was best man at one of their weddings (the most recent) and mercifully left out of any wedding party duties for the other. I also did not ask either of my brothers to participate in my own wedding as a courtesy to them. In my opinion, the only thing worse than having to go to a wedding is having to participate in the wedding party.

You dodged a bullet. You should be thankful.

8

Eh, I know. I’ve been a maid of honor before - my two best friends married eachother. It is expensive and it is kind of a drag but I was TRULY honored to be up there with them. Hell, I was honored that I got to follow the bride to the bathroom and help hold her dress up while she peed. HONORED.

But like…at your wedding, you’re up there with all the people you want to stick with you. All the people you think are top notch. All the people you love (who aren’t your folks - they have their own places too). I wanna be included in that list of people for him. :frowning:

9

I was a bridesmaid in my brother’s first wedding, and his bride’s brother was a groomsman.

My brother got divorced a while ago and is engaged to be married again. I haven’t heard anything yet about being asked to be a bridesmaid… I HOPE I will be asked and would certainly be disappointed/irked/offended if I was not asked.

Here’s why… first of all, we’re a very very close family. Secondly, if my brother wanted me in his first wedding, why wouldn’t he want me in his second? Well the answer to that would be because his new bride didn’t want me. Which would hurt me a lot, because although we’re not super super close, I consider her to be a friend. We would probably be closer if we didn’t live on opposite sides of the country.

Anyway I think it is the right thing to do t o have your sibling in your wedding party. I think it is a slight to be excluded. I hate to say it, if I am not asked to be in the wedding, my relationship with my brother and his wife-to-be will be damaged forever.

10

I suppose I’d be a bit hurt, considering you’re close with your brother, but I’m very anti-big-fancy-wedding, and for me, this kind of thing is just another reason to hate the whole big wedding thing. The tradition of the big wedding needs to die. So much emphasis is put on this costly dog-and-pony show when real-life, important issues are what the couple should be concentrating on. Yeah, it’s a free country, but people reallly need to get their priorities straight.

I disagree that it’s “her” day. It’s both their day, and she was insensitive to her future husband by leaving his sister out of the show. One of their priorities should be building strong family bonds. This is one simple way to contribute to that process and she dropped the ball. Whatevah. It’s one wasted day in their lives. Everyone will survive.

11

For a moment there, I thought the OP meant she wasn’t invited to the wedding party. That seemed a bit cold.

I’m still not clear what it means to be “in” the party, and how differs from being “at” the party. Do they get better drinks? Is it like a Communist regime, with an Inner Party that gets to enforce policy and ride the big cars?

I’m confused.

12

The “wedding party” consists of the bride, groom, groomsmen, bridesmaids, and the little kids who do the flowers and ring-on-a-pillow. The wedding party you’re thinking of is called the Reception. That’s where everyone gets down and has a good time. The wedding party sits at the front of the room and dines together, kind of like a king and queen with all their attendants. Best friends and/or family traditionally fill these roles.

13

Oh.

So where do the parents sit?

14

Why are you only blaming the bride? The OP hasn’t talked to her brother about it so for all we know, the bride DID want her involved and the brother said not to bother.

I agree with delphica–I doubt any malice is intended, unless the bride has a brother who’s in the wedding. I also agree with Diogenes–you dodged a bullet. Being in a wedding sucks ass.

15

At a table designated for parents and non-wedding party siblings, usually. All of that is arranged according to personal taste, but my experience is that the in-laws generally sit together. And it’s usually pretty close to the wedding party table.

16

I assumed because she said she was close with her brother that he would have wanted her in the party.

It was an assumption and I could be wrong. It could be both their fault. But I doubt it. My guess is he conceded to his fiancee’s wishes.

17

It could just as well be that he’s got gender blindness–that he’s of the attitude that girls pick girls and boys pick boys, and the multitude of alterante arrangements never occured to him. He may have really mourned that his sister wasn’t an attendent, but not realized there were solutoins–and his bride may not know he’s thinking any of this.

It’s a very bad habit to blame the SOs of people we love for any actions they make that we don’t agree with. This is the source of traditional in-law ire.

The reason to want to be in the party is not just to the prestige or to sit at the “head” table, but because if it’s a big wedding, they are really the only people that get to be close to the couple on the actual big day. They travel in a pack all day, from helping each other get dressed to closing out the reception, and I would hate to be excluded from that. But I would assume that they are traditional people who felt trapped by tradition before I would assume malice or a deliberate exclusion.

18

That may very well be, but if she and her brother are “best friends” as she says they are, I find it hard to believe that the fiancee doesn’t know this. It’s possible she had to make a cut-off somewhere and chose her own best friends over his. I mean, you can’t ask everyone (though some have tried…I harken back to the wedding that had 12 groomsmen and 12 bridesmaids, as well as Jr. bridesmaids and the tiny children) I just don’t think I’d be able to overlook the inclusion of my husband’s best friend in this situation. I would have deleted someone else from the list.

19

Look- TALK TO YOUR BROTHER.

You are not psychic, he is not psychic, his fiancee is not psychic.
At the moment you are going on assumptions, guesswork and supposition.

The one true thing you do know is that your feelings have been hurt and there is absolutely no harm in expressing that hurt (nicely, politely, tactfully) to your brother. You should not beg to be included, or whine about your exclusion, you should just express your hurt and disappointment.

Something like: "I’ve always thought we were really close, and I was so looking forward to being in your wedding party, because I’m thrilled about this wedding, and you know how much I love your fiancee. I just hope I didn’t do anything to upset either of you ".

Now, that allows him to give you an explanation (we didn’t think you’d want to be a part of this/ we didn’t think you’d want to be one of fiancee’s bridesmaids/ we thought you’d feel weird being a “groomsman”/ we’re really upset with you and you don’t know it) and it also allows him to do some quick thinking and to try and include you in the wedding party if he wants to 9which he still may not want to do).

One way or another, that will sort out the situation, and everyone will know where they stand.

20

I was “in” one wedding when I was 9 or so - a junior bridesmaid for my cousin (is there really such thing as a junior bridesmaid??) I got to wear a long dress and carry flowers.

When the first of my sibs married (a sister) I did a reading. When my brother married, I don’t think any of my sisters were part of the wedding party. For the wedding of another sister, I sang. I didn’t even attend the 3rd sister’s wedding - mostly it was scheduling issues, but she hadn’t asked me to participate anyway.

My husband was not part of either of his brothers’ weddings, tho we were guests at one. And no one was in ours, since we eloped over lunch one day.

My opinion about wedding parties - the couple should have who they want for whatever reason. Even though I hate the notion of “my day” and the drama associated with that, the fact is the couple getting married gets the final say. Period. Criminy, it’s just one day…