On two occasions in the past few years there have been weddings of people close to me where a bride did not invite the groom’s sister to be part of her wedding party. Both times this caused hurt feelings and lots of (whispered) controversy. In both weddings the bride had a full retinue of bridesmaids, and in both cases there had not been any initial estrangement between the bride and and the groom’s sister. I guess both women just did not consider their future sister-in-law to be close enough to include.
I’ll admit I thought it was standard practice - and just good manners - to include your fiance’s siblings in your wedding party. But I put it out to you: how rude is this?
I wasn’t in my sister’s wedding party (or her husband’s), nor was she in mine (or my wife’s). Didn’t bother either one of us. Your wedding party should be full of your friends and close family. I was not party of that circle vis-a-vis my brother-in-law, nor was my sister vis-a-vis my wife.
We live in changing times. And it can be hard on people with expectations of tradition being observed, unfortunately. These days, anyone pining for strict traditions being followed, seems to be setting themselves up for disappointment, in my eyes.
What grown ass adult women, gets peeved and grudgy, over not being a bridesmaid? A ten year old, miffed over not being a flower girl, I would understand, but not an adult!
People upset, over tradition not being strictly observed, to their satisfaction, should be reminded the very first rule of courtly manners, and traditional observance, is for THEM
to accept another’s wishes with grace. THAT is what needs to be most strictly observed, in my opinion.
Does this apply to men too? When my sister got married, I wasn’t invited to be my now brother-in-law’s groomsman. Have I been missing out on 25 years of holding a grudge?
I wasn’t in the wedding parties of any of my 3 sisters or my brother. Frankly, I was relieved. And none of them were part of mine because we eloped during lunch and none of them knew I was married till 3 weeks later.
Come to think of it, the only wedding I was part of was my cousin’s first marriage when I was about 9 or 10. I was a junior bridesmaid, and I’m not sure why - it’s not like my cousin and I were super close or anything. Few of my friends ever married, and none who did ever asked me to be in the wedding either, so I’ve been spared the closet full of gowns that “you can wear again!!” Maybe I should be hurt or insulted, but truly, I’m not.
I’m getting married next year and it has never crossed our minds - like, literally never even come up as a thought - that my sister would be part of my fiancee’s wedding party. It has never occurred to my sister, either. I find it remarkable anyone would assume such a thing.
I mean, my fiancee has her own sisters and friends, too.
You do it so that you get a chance to meet and make friends with the siblings of your partner. Unless you plan to get divorced soon, not doing so isn’t rude: it’s just a little bit stupid.
This is kind of what I was thinking. I honestly don’t know if it’s the traditional thing or not (never been married), but it did seem to me that as part of the joining of two families it would be a polite or welcoming thing to do. In the cases of the two couples I mentioned in the OP it certainly would at least have staved off some drama, though all the responses thus far make it sound like this is not a “thing” at all and should never be expected, so I dunno.
I’m pretty sure the solution here is to not have ANY family members in the wedding party. Let them all be guests.
That said, my eldest brother had my other brother as his best man, which I think was a diplomatic choice because he had two friends who could equally be considered ‘best friends’ and so to pick one of them over the other would have been awkward. I wasn’t in the wedding party and it never occurred to me to be offended.
Sorry no. My bridesmaids were limited to my oldest and most trusted friends. The people I would want around me if I was in cancer treatment. No nodding aquaintances – a wedding is no time to get to know someone, surely it’s the worst time. No one who contributes to stress belongs in a wedding party ever.
I’m not sentimental, and I do t care about a relationship with my husbands family. I’m close with my brothers wife, but that’s because we see eye to eye on many things, not because she owes me something or vice versa.
I disagree - there are plenty of ways to meet and be friends with a future Sister-in-Law without making her a bridesmaid. The wedding party can be assembled for a variety of reasons and from a variety of sources. Completely disagree that it’s stupid to do so.
Nothing wrong with having a SIL or BIL as part of your wedding party if the bride and groom want that but it shouldn’t be assumed. And it certainly shouldn’t be campaigned for.
Wow. I’m surprised. I don’t think I’ve been to a single wedding where the sibling(s) weren’t in the wedding party. For most of the grooms their best man was their brother and about half the time a sister was the maid/matron of honor. I would say that it would be at least a mild controversy if a sibling wasn’t in the wedding party for pretty much all of these weddings.
What would the reason be? Not wanting too large a wedding party? The brother/sister would throw off the numbers for one side or another? I suppose the 5-sisters angle would be problematic but would it be a dealbreaker?
I kind of wish I hadn’t been asked to be in my brother’s wedding as a bridesmaid. Don’t get me wrong - I really like my SiL, she’s fantastic and all that.
But I didn’t meet her until days before the wedding, I felt very out of place as part of the bridal party, because I didn’t know any of the others (except for the best man (one of my brothers) and one of the other groomsmen (my other brother). I wouldn’t have been remotely offended by not being asked, and I don’t think my brother the groomsman would have been bothered either.
I don’t hold a grudge for having been asked either, but 15 years on, I can see how things could have been done differently and were that same wedding taking place now, I’d suggest some alternate options. But we were all much younger then.
Similar here, I was only in my cousin’s first marriage wedding party (when I was 12).
I have not been part of the wedding party in my sister’s or SIL’s weddings. My sister had no wedding retinue at all. My SIL’s party was all her best friends. As it should be, since my sister and I, while friends with our SIL, had only met her sporadically and not as long as some of her friends. My sister and I were quite content with being, you know, the groom’s family. And enjoying the wedding.
Being a member of a wedding party can be very expensive. Seems to me you’d only want to invite people you know love you enough to spend serious money on your behalf (and who you’d be willing to do the same for, if they were in your shoes).
Plus, being a bridesmaid involves participating in such rituals as bridal showers and bacholerette parties. If I’m gonna make someone play games involving dildos and bedroom humor, I’d want that person to be my close friend. Not someone I just met.
I once attended a coworkers bridal shower. It wasn’t the worse thing in the world, but the conversation got risque at times. I felt weird hearing that stuff since we were just workplace associates, not friends.
The discussion is about whether it’s expected for a sibling to be in the in-law’s wedding party; i.e., a groom’s sister being a bridesmaid.
IMHO one has no reason to expect an invitation to be in a wedding party on either side, unless your job is bride or groom. Otherwise it’s not your party.
It depends on the situation and the family dynamic. I consider my sister-in-law a friend and was happy to ask her to be a bridesmaid. I also know she would have been hurt if I had not. It should not be assumed, but it is a nice gesture.
