Look, I get it. You really, really want this to work out. And you want not to be mean, or feel that you’re putting him at a disadvantage. And you don’t want to think later that “Oh, if only I had tried a little harder, maybe it would have worked out.”
This is the wrong way to think. At this point it’s not about effort on your fault. He knows you’re interested. He knows you’re willing to jump through hoops for him. (If not, he would never have floated the road trip idea.) Trying harder is not going to help.
Think of it this way: At this point it’s about his effort, and you’re never going to know about that if you don’t allow him to decide for himself that it is worth some effort on his part.
I’ve always heard it “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” which seems to make more sense, but googling the above expression shows it’s used often.
If this many posters can’t convince Alice to run away from the guy, I don’t think that adding one more voice would help.
Still, it’s hard to watch, and if you go though with meeting the guy, I hope there isn’t a heartbreak at the end.
Alice, I haven’t read all the responses here but I wanted to add something anyway.
Please rent “The Holiday.” It is a fantabulous movie.
Pretend you are Kate Winslet. When she and Eli Wallach are out to dinner, please listen to what Eli Wallach says to her. Quoting it here doesn’t do it justice. "In the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend. "
And when Rufus Sewell shows up at her door at the end, please memorize what she says to him. “You broke my heart. And you acted like somehow it was my fault, my misunderstanding, and I was too in love with you to ever be mad at you, so I just punished myself! … This - This twisted, toxic THING between us, is finally finished! I’m miraculously done being in love with you! Ha! I’ve got a life to start living.”
You deserve much, much more, and it would be better to be alone than worried about this all the time. If not for you, for your son/daughter.
I hope this doesn’t come off as jerky, because I really only want the best for you.
I think you should tell him that you believe that people can change in sixteen years, and you’re sure that he has. Actually, you have too: you no longer believe that unmarried people should have sex, so this time around you won’t be sleeping with him…unless you marry some day.
If you hear from him after that, and not just a sputtering attempt to change your mind, it’s okay to go on the trip with him.
Some of you guys are so funny, and so warm and touching- it helps so much to get support here, even moreso than from my girlfriends. There’s something about this place…
I feel like I have really processed this situation, and I feel much, MUCH better about it than I did before I started this thread. I have been able to let go of the desperation to have him that I was feeling, and the dread that it would turn out badly, and I am no longer nauseated! I feel in control and confident again. Thank you all for helping me to put this into perspective. I’m not quite to the point where I feel comfortable asking him to come visit me, but I rarely feel comfortable asking people to do things for me. I can accept it when they offer, but it’s hard to ask. But I no longer feel like I have to jump through hoops for this guy and that quite frankly, he’s very unlikely to be as great as I have built him up in my mind, and that there are probably approximately 15,000 men on this side of the country that I could be just as attracted to and get along just as well with. So, I’m going to just chill on all this for a while and see what naturally unfolds.
Aside from everything else that’s been said in this thread, this is an important point. I tend to be the same, and aside from everything else, you really need to get a perspective on how this comes across to others. You’re not wrong, or bad, or inhuman for asking others to think about you and what you want - your feelings. Quite the opposite, that is what people do, so don’t beat yourself up about it. What’s more, tackling this will make you more assertive and mean that you don’t settle for second best.
Oh, and if you don’t tend to ask because you’re worried about the answer - well the answer is a good indicator of peoples’ true natures, not just what they say (ie. how they respond through action, rather than words). Goes back to the Mark Twain quote.
Just one other thing, I couldn’t let this go:
[QUOTE=Even Sven]
Men are constantly testing women to see if they can justify not respecting them. The moment a woman puts herself below a guy, or starts arranging her life around his, he feels justified in not respecting her and loses interest in anything long-term.
[/QUOTE]
Really Even Sven?! All men are constantly testing women in order to get to their true ends - ie. not respecting them…? If that’s true for you, you’re not meeting the right men!
I’ll just add that you shouldn’t think of this as asking him to do something for you, and indeed you don’t have to ask. You can just state calmly, if he starts bugging you about the road trip, that you don’t think it’s a good idea given that you haven’t seen each other for so long, and perhaps it would be a good idea for him to come visit you first before you could commit to such a thing. That’s not asking him to do something for you. That’s you laying out a fact about you and him and healthy relationships in general. He’s the one who’s asking you to do something for him.
Good. That’s the best thing to do. If something works out with him, that’ll be great, and if it doesn’t, that too, in its own special way, will be great. Best wishes for your fishing in the sea of men with deep voices!
TokyoPlayer, I think I originally heard/saw it on some sitcom or other, many years ago. Talking about “friends with benefits” and the heartache one of the characters was going through because of it. Another character modified the standard saying to the one I quoted, and penis ensued. 'Twas funny enough to stick in my mind.
Good on ya, Alice. This place is something, init it?
I don’t know Alice, or anyone here really. But it’s nice to have someone seem to actually take the good advice that’s been given to her. So many people ask for advice, but when they don’t get the advice they wanted, they just ignore it. Good luck Alice!
