The Most Powerful Law of Seduction
via Psychology Today Blogs by Scott Barry Kaufman, Ph.D. on 1/5/11
It seems that being unavailable isn’t attractive but being mysterious is. According to the researchers, ** "People who create uncertainty about how much they like someone can increase that person’s interest in them."When it comes to seduction, it seems one of the most potent forces is the allure of the unknown.
People like people who like them. This is one of the most replicated findings in all of social psychology. But people also like people who might like them.** This is one of the most well-known principles of seduction. But which is a more potent force for seduction: the well-known reciprocity principle in social psychology (people like people who like them) or the uncertainty principle in the literature on seduction (people like people who might like them)? When receiving clear signals of interest from another person, the person is momentarily pleased, adapts quickly, and the case is closed. **But when interest is uncertain, the person can think of little else; they are constantly in search of an explanation. Eventually the person interprets these thoughts as a sign of liking and they think, "Gee, I must really like this person if I can’t stop thinking about him **
[Research has] found evidence for the reciprocity principle: women liked the men more when they were led to believe that the men liked them a lot compared to when they thought the men liked them an average amount.
Women in the uncertain condition, however, were most attracted to the men. Women also reported thinking about the men the most in the uncertain condition, and there was tentative evidence that the effect of uncertainty on attraction was explained by the frequency of their thoughts. In other words, it wasn’t the uncertainty per se that was attractive but the thoughts it induced.
Interestingly, women in the liked-best condition were in a more positive mood than women in the liked-average condition, but women in the uncertain condition were no different in mood than women in the liked-best condition. Women felt just as positive under uncertainty as they did knowing for sure the guy liked her!
Yeah. Like Dio’s been saying, at the very least get him to visit you first. Several times. If he can’t spring for that super-minimum amount of effort for someone who used to be a friend, even if you’re not the love of his life, there’s really no hope.
(And if he does visit, don’t sleep with him. See how he takes that.)
And yeah, I totally get the voice thing. Rich, complex voices send visceral shivers all up and down my spine, where I can’t think of any visual feature that does so. That being said, my awesome, beloved husband only has the barest hint of that kind of voice, so it’s clearly not a prerequisite for me. (If I’d had to make a list in high school, that would have been near the top, though!)
You forgot the part where she was the one who moved 2,000 miles away, not him.
That doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to go, or that it wouldn’t be better to get together under other circumstances, that don’t involve you flying cross country to meet him for a cross country road trip, where he’s going to meet up with his friends.
I think if you go on this trip it makes you look too available and desperate. I think you should invite him to visit you. Have him stay in a hotel. Do not sleep with him. Go your separate ways. If he still wants to take this “roadtrip” with you, consider it then.
I can’t add anything that hasn’t been said before, but I have an overwhelming urge to chime in just the same.
[ul]
[li]You’re not in love: love is reciprocal. [/li][li]You’re infatuated not even with a guy, but an idealized version of a guy.[/li][li]Unless you’ve (a) met every man in the world and (b) road-tested them (so to speak), you cannot say he is the “one.” [/li][li]The “one” is a myth and there is no such thing as perfect — there is only a sliding scale of tradeoffs along the scale from “Crappy” to “Awesome.”[/li][li]If you are hungry for the soul-mate you deserve, date locally — and often — until you find one that is (a) capable and (b) willing to fulfill what you want in a lifelong partner.[/li][/ul]
A chance for WHAT? What is it, exactly, that you want from this guy? If you want to take a road trip with him, talk and laugh, have a good time, fuck, and then go on with your life… fine, do that.
If you want to take a road trip, talk about Deep Things, get him to fall in love with you and spend all the whole rest of your life with him… you should probably stop talking to him for two reasons, IMO: 1) That isn’t going to happen, ever. 2) You’re better than that, and I can say that confidently without even knowing either of you.
It’s not about you “getting your chance” with him, it’s about GIVING HIM another chance at something that he already discarded as useless beyond being a fuck buddy. You’re better than that.
I had similar feelings about a man I had a long-distance non-relationship (read: I would fuck him for whole weekends when he decided it was convenient for him but he absolutely refused to commit to anything with me ever) with for several years. I even have (so stupidly) been trying to contact him again but, just like all those years I spent “with” him, I’m still not worth it to him. It’s a little pathetic, really. But I keep telling myself I’m not emailing him because I still love him and want to be with him, I’m emailing him because he’s my friend and was for a really, really long time when the fact is, he really wasn’t. He never really was.
Decide exactly what it is you want for yourself and what you want from him and don’t ever settle for anything less than that. If that means you should go on this road trip, have fun.
You all have convinced me of one thing- I am not going on the road trip with him but instead am going to see if he’s up for a weekend either there where he lives or here where I live. If he’s not willing to be flexible to my needs, then I guess that will tell me a lot about his real interest in me. And I really am going to go into it casually, without expectations. You all really given me a reality check about it.
No. Do it where YOU live, not where he lives. That’s the whole reason people are telling you to test him with it first. Why would he NOT be up for a girl travelling all the way to his place to probably have sex with him? Of course he’s up for it. The point is to see if he’s willing to travel all the way to YOUR place. If Angelina Jolie offered a weekend at her place, you can bet I’d find a way to get my ass there.
You say you need a car? Why, we have Rolls, Mercedes, Vettes galore, but you can’t buy that Ford Escort over there. Nope, that there is a rare vehicle, lots of legroom, plenty of power, and just look at those classic lines! I might let you sit behind the wheel if I figure you are an okay sort but don’t even offer me anything on it.
Oh man, that Escort is shiney perfect. The car of my dreams. I HAVE to buy that piece of crap that will leave me on the side of the road AGAIN!
I know. I can’t explain why I am so attracted to him. Like I said, it’s subconscious- he just pushes all the right buttons in an evolutionary way. I’m trying to work through this, I am.
It’s kind of a stupid book, but go get yourself a copy of Why Men Love Bitches. For something as tacky as it is, there is a lot of truth in it. Just reading it- not even consciously following its advice- has completely turned around my own hot-and-cold relationship, and made it much, much, much more rewarding. Even if you ignore the silly “how to catch a man” angle, a lot of it is just about not bending yourself backwards for something that isn’t making you happy.
I just want to clarify - you guys still live on opposite sides of the country, right? So what’s the long-term goal, in the event that his personality has completely changed and he falls madly in love with you on this road trip / weekend get-together? It doesn’t seem likely that he’ll move thousands of miles away from his kids.
I’m curious, what is the story with his first child- the daughter in Florida. Was he married to that woman? Why was he living so far away?
I agree that this guy sounds like a total asshole.
As a single mom, ask yourself- this man you are so taken with - would you think he would be a good role model to your child? I’m a single mom. Men that don’t pass this are to me a waste of time.
Also, sorry if I missed this. Have you video chatted? Have you seen a recent picture? Him being a smoker for who knows how long - it could have taken a serious toll on his looks. If you find smoking repulsive, why are you even bothering? Are you simply doing this in your reptilian brain mode as a thing to prove to yourself you “got” him after all this time?
Hey, you’re a sexual being. Nothing wrong with that. But you’re at the stage when you should be planning out the logistics of your first date, not your wedding. That’s why we’re all telling you to sloooow down already. It’s also why, instead of being excited and hopeful about rekindling the relationship, you’re calling it a “sickening man situation.” You KNOW in your heart how imbalanced it is already. That is not the beginning of a normal, healthy relationship.
Remember, even if things do progress, you have some really difficult challenges ahead that might derail the whole thing, including the distance and your children. It’s going to take a herculean effort to overcome those hurdles, and you need to keep your head screwed on straight so that you don’t make rash decisions based on your libido. You have a child now, and that means that you have to consider his interests, too.
Exactly!! Of course he will say yes to a woman traveling across country to his house to have sex with him. Don’t even consider this! And don’t consider meeting him halfway either. He comes to you, or nothing.