Those bastards in 1992 sure knew how to enjoy a late breakfast over a good movie. Christ, I can’t believe I’m watching this, after what - 13, 14 years? I’m only 6 minutes into the movie. Nevertheless, I’m convinced that this film is directly responsible for my love of Asian women (this, and Karate Kid, part II.)
Only 6 minutes into the movie, and we see an exotic Asian woman - in bondage, no less, tied up by her hands and held captive by an evil ninja or samurai wearing a hideous mask. She moans, her body heaving, and although she is ostensibly making these sounds out of discomfort, they sound disquietingly like something else. Several moments later she is rescued by a ninja swathed in white cloth like a mummy, who turns out to be Chuck Norris. He backflips off of a cliff and beats the living daylights out of approximately 900 ninjas. Then, his sidekick comes to help finish them off. His sidekick being the young Jonathan Brandis, who would go on to tragically commit suicide by hanging.
The daydream ends, and Brandis wakes up in the middle of class - with everyone laughing at him hysterically, everyone BUT a certain young Asian woman who says, “leave him alone!” Ah - this is the girl from the flashback. He was fantasizing about her!! He reaches for his athsma inhaler and the class keeps laughing at him (heartless bastards!)
Then his teacher - who also happens to be a sexy Asian woman - comes to his defense and comforts him. This is where I paused the movie.
Oh my God - evil Karate teacher who is a bald-faced rip off of Mr. Kreese (Martin Kove) from the original Karate Kid. He’s played by Joe Piscopo. The evil karate teacher has a burning hatred for Chuck Norris.
“You must be as good as Chuck Norris.”
“Chuck Norris? CHUCK NORRIS?!?! He doesn’t compete anymore, and one of the main reasons is ME!”
Next scene - Brandis is watching a Chuck Norris movie which then bleeds into a daydream. In this one, the same exotic young Asian woman is again tied up in a faux-bondage type setup, held captive by an evil team of Viet Cong guerrillas who is led by…the evil karate teacher. Who has a fake generic-Asian accent. He sets a trail of gunpowder on the ground leading to the helpless captive, and lights it on fire. But then Chuck Norris and his teenage sidekick emerge from a swamp and open fire on the bad guys with identical M-60 machine guns (with no recoil, naturally.) Kegs of gunpowder explode.
The scene ends with the VC guerrillas stuck up a tree, in their underpants - their clothes have been scorched by the blast.
If I recall correctly from the publicity at the time the movie was released, the Piscopo character isn’t a rip-off of the Karate Kid character; he’s supposed to be a parody of the character.
This movie taught me that having the sheer strength of will to climb a rope in gym class would, after a short montage, provide me with the abilities of a karate master, thus allowing me and Chuck Norris to vanquish my enemies.
As with a lot of movies made during the time period, it’s very hard to tell whether this film is supposed to be a comedy or a coming-of-age drama. It has elements of both in it, but in weirdly unbalanced measures.
OK, now they’re in the saloon in the Old West fantasy. This particular saloon just happens to have a sexy Asian bar-maid in a ruffled red dress, down on all fours, scrubbing the floor. And the camera lingers a bit too long on Joe Piscopo’s phallic cigar.
Chuck Norris has just shot a revolver out of the bad guy’s hand.
Here at Argent Towers, giving you the play-by-play coverage you won’t get anywhere else…
Alright, Barry just smacked himself in the nuts at full force with a pair of stainless-steel nunchucks - and then after a few seconds of wincing, keeps right on practicing. The only conclusion I can draw from this is that he has no testes.
I knew I remembered seeing Joe Piscopo in a gi! I had always remembered the Cobra Kai master in Karate Kid as Piscopo, and was puzzled when I saw No More Kings’ Sweep The Leg and realized it wasn’t. That’s because I was remembering Sidekicks.
One mystery that keeps me up at night down, fifty seven more to go.
sheepish…it’s actually one of my favorite movies. It taught me a valuable skill/lesson when I was younger. I’m also a daydreamer with a very active imagination. So what I learned from that movie was that by using my daydreams to imagine solutions to real life problems I could come up with solutions. Which is actually how I’m good at my job. I play scenarios forward with each option that is available to us and find the breaking points. Or which one works best.
So there ya go, important government decisions being made via the “Sidekicks” method.
When I was younger, I also used to have daydreams about a sexy little Asian girl tied up and being held captive by evil ninjas, and then helping Chuck Norris save her.
Well, except for the part about the evil ninjas, and Chuck Norris.
