If I went out with a woman (and felt that there was mutual interest) I might wait a couple of days to call or e-mail her, but if she e-mailed before that, I’d certainly respond, if even just with a brief note, promptly, i.e. the next time I checked my e-mail. Heck, even if I didn’t want to see her again I’d respond with some explanation or excuse (“I don’t think there’s a spark,”/“I’ve just joined a monestary and taken a vow of chastity,”/“My President called and asked me to go on a top secret mission to Nbugutu,”) just to close it off without uncertainty.
The “two day rule” or “three day rule” or whatever it is that the supposed rule dictates is fine in a Mexican standoff when nobody has made a move, but once the opposite extends a query or invitation it’s simply good manners to respond in some fashion, even if just to acknowledge that you got the message and you aren’t dead or incarcerated. Anybody who can’t put forward that much effort, or has such a need for control that they have to wait the prescribed time is going to be too much of a passive-aggressive ass to be worth dealing with anyway.
Just so you know, I was only trying to keep you grounded in reality.
Many years ago, I was in the dating sewer. It seemed every guy I went out with was either dead boring or never called back or worse turned out to be an evil user that took my money and broke my heart.
One day, I simply stopped. I decided that I was not capable of reading men, so I would take a break from trying.
For the next nine(!) years I got aquainted with the one person who had my best interest at heart…me. I learned to be comfortable in my skin.
I was quite comfortable with the idea that I’d be the ould crazy cat lady on the corner.
Then I got a computer. I found a chat room of locals on AOL. I went in with the idea of making some new friends. I was completely honest about who I was and what my expectations were.
Men started hitting on me, even though I described my warts and scars. Know what I found? I could finally recognize the A**holes! Since I wasn’t looking, I didn’t give them the benefit of the doubt.
I met my husband there, 12 years ago. He was nice, and boring. He became my friend first. He’s still my best friend and even better, I’m his.
Hang in there girl, you’ll find the guy, as long as you stay true to yourself.
From the immortal words of Charlie Watts: “I’d rather be lonely than sorry.”
Dang it, so I kinda like this guy I went out with tonight too. And I wasn’t planning on it. And, randomly, we even have friends in common. Argh, I didn’t want to have to worry about him emailing or not…
I’d have to watch it again to see if it’s there. Somehow, I doubt it–unless he went for an orchestrated Muzaked version–that’s possible. It’s a great movie; full of sexual tension and silences so weighty you wonder how anyone survived the minutes. Not a movie to be seen with a group.
I liked it! Polite, interested and appreciative with no hint of pathetic desperation (not that anyone would think you are…you know what I mean). Perfect!
Anyway, for those keeping score (which is, apparently, all of us at this point), we are now officially past the 48-hour point. Sigh. (Plus my booty call may get pushed back two weeks, due to various scheduling conflicts. Double sigh.)
This could easily be a huge part of the problem – online dating can be a nasty little feedback loop. After a batch of dates that you think went well are met with total silence upon follow-up, you’re inclined to temper your enthusiasm a bit and not get overinvested too quickly. Which is a poor excuse not to answer kindness with kindness, but I can see it happening. So then callbacks or replies are delayed and suddenly you’ve let 2 days go by and the person who actually liked you has decided you’re an asshole 36 hours ago.
Please note that in the above paragraph, “you” refers to “me” and “everyone in the universe.”
Anyway, I found that I had to take a few months off for every few months of Internet dating to keep the world-weariness from creeping into the conversation. And I did write back to everyone – I even wrote back to those who “winked” (or whatever the hell it was called) but I wasn’t interested in – my understanding is that almost everyone just ignores those messages. It’s pretty mercenary. Then again, this was in New York City, where a lot of things are pretty mercenary.
Yeah, Internet dating profiles need to to have a field along the lines of: “First dates that do not end in a slap or a bench appearance must be followed-up via e-mail or phone within _____ or you will have your shortcomings discussed over drinks with my friends.” Observation leads me to believe that a lot of guys have a 72-hour rule and a lot of women have a 24-hour rule; obviously there’s (counts fingers) 62 and a half hours there for plenty of misunderstanding to be built up.
Yikes, it’s now been 3 years since I’ve done this Internet thing. I’ve been trying to psyche myself up for dipping my toes back in to this, but this thread and the one about dating guys who are married/divorced/have kids is reminding me how much work it is. I’m 41 and it seems like an awkward age to be doing this.
Oh wow, so much to say. (Caveat: I know nothing about this stuff. . . but am finding it fascinating.)
First, good excuse, so that’s a plus. If it’s true, not much to argue with there.
Second, kudos for at least sending off something. He could have waited until the whole thing blew over and just wrote then. So that shows some interest, I would think.
Third, bad spelling and grammar. Does he always write like that or is he really stressed and rushed?
Fourth, he keeps in touch with his ex-mother in kaw [sic]? Does that mean his ex-wife is more important that* that*?
This is an excellent point. The trick is to not let the rejections and unreturned communiques get you down. And let’s face it, they do hurt at least a little. A whole string of them unbroken by a success or two can weigh on anyone. It’s a total drain. It’s like living with a vampire.
So how does one protect one’s self from that soul-sucking misery? That’s a legit question, and I welcome ideas.
One useful one might be to concentrate on process over outcome. Dating is a game. When you’re out there, you’re shaking your thang, and playing the odds. It’s like being in a casino. It’s fun just being all James Bond and plunking 10,000 down on red, and not caring if you lose, because you have plenty more. It’s also fun learning the little savvy tricks about how to game your odds. Yeah, I doubled down then split my aces, then lost far more than I intended to, but I played the game right. On the next hand I might just win something back. If I do, I’m not going to take that first loss personally. Bonus points, now the cute waitress is going to bring me a free drink.
Wow, that soul-sucking misery sounds an awful lot like gambling addiction, doesn’t it?
Re: Spelling and grammar – he’s dyslexic, and freely admits he can’t spell worth a damn. Believe it or not, it’s not one of the things I’m super-snobby about.
Re: Ex-MIL – he and his ex share custody of their two kids (10 and 13), and he’d mentioned the fact that there was a bunch of stuff going on there WRT the two mothers’ health.
It could mean that he’s still trying to get back with his ex. It could also mean that when he makes close friends, he doesn’t abandon them. If it’s the latter, then he’s a pretty high-value guy.
I do what Ichbin does, and go on hiatus when I start taking it all too personally.
Because that’s the other trick – not to take any of it personally. Which is made easier if you realize that most of it isn’t personally directed – people are rude or inconsiderate or unkind not because they don’t like you, but because they’re rude or inconsiderate or unkind.
