Eh… I’m kind of skeptical… It just has a weird tone about it. It’s vague, not mentioning any time frame, thus leaving it open for him to e-mail you back next week or next month, thus leaving you hanging. :dubious: We’ll see what happens. Please keep us updated!!
Well, either I’ll hear back from him or I won’t. At which point either I’ll still be available to go out with him again, should he ask – or I won’t.
Yup, Zen detachment is the only way to do this.
Yes, that, and keeping on dating, of course. If you are really smitten with this guy, you’ll be surprised how much more easy it is to “keep your cool” on other dates and just enjoy them for what they are; a no-commitment way of getting to know a person (assuming you go Dutch, of course).
I’d just like to recommend Paige Parker’s Dating Without Drama. She’s selling an e-book, but you don’t have to buy it to gain some insight. Subscribe to her e-newsletter and you’ll learn a lot.
I know a lot of people are going to think or say that her advice is based on stereotypes, and that they (or their SO) aren’'t like that, but it seems that some (Paige Parker says most or all) men want to do the pursuing. She would say that it was a big mistake for you to email him, especially so soon after the date. For the most chance of success with a new relationship, you should not make yourself so available. When he does call, take several days to call him back. If he asks you out for Saturday night on a Wednesday, tell him you will be busy. Not say that and spend Saturday night at home on the couch, but actually do be busy. Build enough of a social life for yourself that he can never find you not busy or without plans, just waiting for him to call. Never tell him that you’ll be waiting for his call.
There are lots of rules to this dating style (similiar to The Rules), and I know (I know!) that it’s often denigrated and called silly and stereotypical, but the fact is that men’s brains are often wired in a certain way, and women’s are as well, and science is proving that more and more every day.
Eh, for me telephone call > email, so if he is only emailing you and then only coming up with that lame BS for not engaging you (so to speak), he is oot. Sorry pep.
I think this was a good response to get. I’d take him at his word, particularly if he mentioned the health problems previously. I know all too well that sometimes these family issues come up at awkward times in one’s romantic life, and it is very difficult to balance. I also think it’s a good sign that he shows interest and commitment to his family, including his ex’s family.
I would agree that a zen detachment is a good way to go forward.
God, I hate this bullshit. And it takes a *special * sort of balls to write a book about how to play these stupid games and call it “Dating Without Drama”.
People just be yourself, do what you feel like doing, and anyone who doesn’t like it is THE WRONG PERSON FOR YOU. Why do we make this so freakin’ hard?
I subscribe to Paige Parker’s e-mails (yes, I’m male). They really are horrible. There’s some good advice in there sometimes about not trying to force things and fool yourself, but it’s often all about the game. It makes me want to break something tasteful over “Paige’s” head.
Alice The Goon, thanks for that link, but it’s broken. You know what, though? I’m glad! For the past week I’ve been learning all I can about relationships, and it feels like I’ve been drinking from the firehose of knowledge. One more source of information, and my brain is going to burst open. Hoop theory, negging, observing ego, top-heavy on superego, two-sets, three-sets, DHVs, IOIs… Too much information!
Shut up and just kiss me already.
Because finding a lid that neatly fits your pot is really tough (unless you’re one of those gormless, totally bland, Stepford drone that can interchangibly mix and match). Plus, a lot of people have really bad relationship behaviors, like not respecting personal space or being too clingy, that serve to abort an otherwise possible relationship. There’s certainly merit in considering how people react, and the unconscious cues and ingrained behaviors, i.e. if you call too soon or too frequently you’re going to be regarded as desperate or not enough of a challenge, but any self-proclaimed authority that sets out specific rules on when and how you’re supposed to act in order to reel someone in that are at odds with your own standards is probably not going to do you any good.
Of course, my strategy is to give up all hope of actively seeking out anyone and just wait for some lass to pass by with a glass of Black Bush in one hand and a tome of Blake in the other, then open by regaling her with some amazing concept from quantum mechanics. If she doesn’t throw the drink in my face or run away screaming, I figure we’re set for life. 
Stranger
I know. I used to think the same way. Why can’t I just be myself, and call someone when I want to talk to them, and let them know that I want to be with them? It is bullshit that you’d have to “play games” in order to advance a relationship, but it seems to be true.
When a man asks me out on a Wednesday or later for Saturday, and I tell them, “Oh, no, I couldn’t possibly make it this weekend. You gotta catch me early in the week,” you should see their eyes light up. I’ve found that men like you much more when they see that you have a full, interesting life, and that they may have a chance of fitting into it, but they may have to work a little for it. That’s all Dating Without Drama-style is.
Eh, I’m not looking for a lid to neatly fit my pot. I’m looking for a similarly inclined pot with whom I can simmer side-by-side without one of us crowding the other right off of the stovetop.
And sure, it’s good to be sensitive to other people’s feelings and needs and boundaries. But it’s good to REALLY be sensitive to those things, not to PRETEND to be sensitive to those things so that they’ll *think * they like you, and get invested, at which point you can feel free to go ahead an unleash the crazy, and THEN if they run away you can convince yourself that *they’re * selfish and commitment phobic and were playing games with you. :rolleyes:
And I fixed that link for you, tdn. You’re welcome. 
Maybe it’s just me, but I find that guys’ eyes light up when I *agree * to go out with them. Which I do if I’m free. And if I’m not free, I don’t say “Oh, I’m far too busy and popular to go out with you Saturday.”, I say “Damn, I can’t on Saturday, but I’d love to next Thursday, does that work for you?”
Sure men (and, ya know, people) are going to be more interested in you if you’re interesting. I don’t need anyone to tell me that, it’s a no-brainer. But let’s face it, her message isn’t actually “have a full life”, it’s “PRETEND to have a full life, whether you do or not, so that boys will like you”. And that’s bullshit.
Um, no, she doesn’t tell you to pretend to have a full life. She tells you to actually have a full life.
Well, to each his or her own, but IMO, you’ll know you have a full life when you don’t have time to read inane, “how-to” dating books.
But…but…but…then how will you keep making the same mistakes over and over by presending a false fascade, and then end up in teary disillusionment with your best friend whose singular advice is, “Girl, he’s just not that into you,” and then both of you moaning into your Cosmopolitans that there are no good men available? Nah, that’s just crazy talk. You can take your whole “be up front and honest” schtick over there in the corner, next to that nice fellow who can’t figure out why women won’t call him back or accept a date on a Saturday. 
Stranger
“Learn How To Understand Men – And Beat Them At Their Own Game!”
Urk? That’s her tag line? She sounds like the dating equivilent to a MAKE.MONEY.FAST scheme. It’s good to know, though; the next time I’m on a date–tentatively predicted for sometime in mid-2009–I’ll casually drop the name and if my date recognizes it with anything but disdain I’ll know that it’s all a lost cause and make excuses for an early departure.
Stranger
Alice, honey, I don’t even wear makeup, so you know I’m not going to play those kind of bullshit games.
I may be lonely, but I’m sometimes glad that I’m too old for the dating scene. This kind of psychological second-guessing makes my head hurt.