Signs you've gone to a bad funeral director

Flog. NEIGH! Flog. NEIGGGGGGGGGH! Flog. Flog. Flog.

Okay then! Why should doctors have all the fun?

  1. Stuffs body with sage and breadcrumbs after roasting until the skin is even and crispy.

  2. Replaces ashes with “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Organic”

  3. Replaces ashes with Folger’s crystals. Interviews guests to see if they spotted the difference.

  4. Paints pentagrams all over coffin, complaining “They just don’t seem to stay down there”.

  5. While waiting for guests to be seated, plays “If You Think I’m Sexy” by Rod Stewart

  6. Offers to arm wrestle the corpse for “double or nothing” on the service cost

  7. Plants pointy American flag in body during eulogy

  8. Eulogy begins with “It was a very popular and commendable he slash she”

  9. Coffin badly painted with wood stain and “Domino’s Pizza” markings still dimly visible

  10. Dresses entirely in black… leiderhosen.

You can do better than this, or I shudder for humanity.
No, really.

He suggests the coffin be closed at the bottom, open on top…and he owns a pants store…

the crematorium backs directly onto a KFC, and you’re sure that there’s no way they could fit a furnace back there… and there are three settings for the crematorium: Deep Fried, Crispy and Finger Lickin’.

his assistant has a humped back and is called “Igor”.

you’re a new widow and he asks you out.

the ashtray on his desk is very large and very full.

advertises a ‘two for the price of one’ deal.

he gives the local doctor a commission.

dresses granny’s corpse in neglegie for the viewing, but assures you that it’s “just for tonight” and he’ll have her dressed again for tomorrow’s burial.

Informs you that ancient tribes would eat the brains of the dead so as to gather all their knowledge and experience. Mentions ‘traditional’ option for catering at the wake with ‘rememberance’ paté.

Asks if there’s any particular body part that you’d like as a momento.

“Twist tie or draw string, ma’am?”

[Monty Python] “I think we’ve got an eater” [/Monty Python]

That’s “Eye-gor”

He has a bumper sticker on his hearse that says, “I’d rather be breathing.”

keeps saying ‘turn your head and cough’ and getting the giggles.

has tiki lamps, bachelor pad music, and tropical drinks in his embalming room.

Constantly refers to the dearly departed as “the stiff.”

Asks the bereaved spouse if they would like to take advantage of the genital-preservation special.

He tells you that you’d be really sexy if you lost the tan and that pesky body warmth.

You notice an arc welder and rods behind the curtain.

The faint smell of garlic lingers in the air.

He has a rather large supply of Worcestershire sauce on hand.

His business card has the line, “For a good time, call . . .”


He chews gum and calls everyone “sports fan.”

He sells advertising space on each coffin.

He doesn’t know who “Cecil Adams” is.

Snickers during the eulogy.

Only two pall bearers needed.

Including the inside.

Suggests either “Disco Inferno” or “I’ll be glad when you’re dead, you rascal you!” for music.