There seem to be some regionalisms in regard to describing how useless someone/something is.
My mother used “Useless as tits on a nun” and “As useless as looking up a dead horse’s ass”, and from my uncle I heard “Useless as tits on a boar”.
Which ones have you learned or heard used by others?
useless as a screen door on a submarine
“You’re useless.”
Useless as a very large useless thing.
Useless as a simile from an unfamiliar culture.
I’ve heard “useless as tits on a bull” before.
“…tits on a windmill.” From my dad, who grew up in various parts of mid-20th-century Iowa.
Since this is asking for personal experiences, it is better suited for IMHO than GQ.
Colibri
General Questions Moderator
As useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all.
…balls on a heifer.
IANACB
(I am not a cowboy)
… a broke dick.
I don’t say it anymore because you never know who might be around with a broke dick. Don’t wanna hurt any feelings.
I had an uncle who said this all the time when I was little except I always heard it as “tits on a board” which is just so very confusing for a kid. And if you’ve never pictured a pair of breasts on a see-saw… well, you probably have now that I’ve mentioned it.
… a chocolate teapot.
… a condom machine in the Vatican.
…a straw in the desert.
…Captain Hook’s second glove.
…bread with no salt.
…balls on a priest
I just heard’ useless as a chocolate teapot’ for the first time yesterday. It’s my new favorite phrase; I’m using it every chance I get!
Tits on a motor.
…an ashtray on a motorbike.
…a pair of undies on Britney Spears.
…as an umbrella for a duck.
…as Marcel Marceau’s voice coach.
Carrying coals to Newcastle.
My dad says “useless as tits on a boar hog”, which is weirdly redundant.