Nelson: Ha ha! Your mom’s a jailbird!
Bart: So is yours.
Nelson: Oh yeah. Let’s play!
Chief Wiggum to Ralph:
What is your obsession with my forbidden closet of mystery?
I got a lot of laughs reading this thread. This show is so consistently funny it’s easy to take it for granted. How about these, spoken by Kang or Kodos (I always have trouble telling them apart):
“Holy flurking schnit!”
and
“Your superior intellect is no match for our puny weapons!”
I can’t believe that you are missing some of the minor characters.
Superintendant Chalmers: The rod up that man’s butt must have a rod up its butt.
Duffman: Duffman can’t breathe, Oh noooo!
Cheif Wiggum. ‘Where’s your Messiah now?’.
Ned Flanders. ‘I’m not hopped up on goofballs!’
Lisa Simpson. ‘And you’re the devils cabana boy!’
“Pure West.”
Groundskeeper Willie:
I’d love to let you go, but the boys are angry and theyve been drinking all day!!
Homer: “Bart, you’ve tried your best and failed miserably…so the lesson is:
Never Try.”
deep thoughts:
“if something’s HARD to do, then its NOT worth doing.”
hahah i just thought of a new one:
Homer: “Lisa, you and your stories, beer kills brain cells.
Bart is a vampire…Now lets go back to that thing where our beds and TV is…”
Barney Gumble. ‘Is that the new mace? It’s really painful!’
“It takes two to lie; one to lie and one to listen.”
When Homer tells Lisa, “Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.”
Lisa: “Perhaps there is no moral to this story.”
Homer: “Exactly! It’s just a bunch of stuff that happened.”
Lisa: Hey mom, what’s Santa’s Litle Helper doing to that girl dog?
Bart: It looks like he’s trying to jump over her, but he can’t quite
make it. Go on boy, you can do it!
Homer: ‘Ha, Ha, look at this country, you are gay’ (Uruguay)
Homer: I’m not much of a praying man, but save me Superman!
Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don’t show up tomorrow don’t bother showing up on Monday.
Homer: Woo-hoo! Four-day weekend!
Homer: Kids, kids. I’m not going to die. That only happens to bad people.
Bart: What about Abraham Lincoln?
Homer: Uh, he sold poison milk to school children.
Homer: Trying is the first step to failure.
(The complete version….)
Marge: Have you noticed something different about Bart?
Homer: Does he have new glasses?
Marge: No. He seems sad and withdrawn…
Homer: Maybe he misses his old glasses.
Marge: No. I’d like to talk to him about his problems, but I’m afraid of smothering him.
Homer: Yeah, and then we’d get the chair…
Marge: Homer! That’s not what I meant!
Homer: It is, Marge, admit it.
“Marge, can you close your eyes? I’m trying to sleep.” (Homer)
You have to remember the situation to get this one
“All right [sigh], when I say ‘Hello, Mr. Thompson’ and PRESS DOWN ON YOUR FOOT, you smile and nod.”
And my favourite…
Marge: Homer, why don’t you just go to the adult learning center and get your degree.
Homer: But Marge, everytime I learn something new it pushes something old out of my brain.
Marge: Don’t be ridiculous
Homer: Remember that time I took that wine making class, and I forgot how to drive?
Marge: Homer, You were Drunk!
“Hello? NASA? How come can’t get no Tang 'round here. Shut up!”
Grandpa: “Well, if anyone wants me I’ll be in the outhouse” gets up and walks out of the dining room
pause
Lisa: “…we don’t HAVE an outhouse.”
Homer: “My toolshed! Dad, no!”
Homer in international waters:
“Those on the shore who will never
know thye simple pleasure of a
monkey knife fight.”
I hope I didn’t screw this one up.
The
Damn.
The sound that greets me when I turn on my computer at home: “I am evil HOMER. I am evil HOMER!”
My error message is Homer: Shut up, brain, or I’ll stab you with a Q-Tip.
One of Marge’s sisters takes Bart and Lisa to Duff Gardens. Lisa falls out of the boat on the It’s a Small World-esque ride, and ingests some of the water. She stands, eyes blazing green and proclaims: I AM the Lizard QUEEN!!!
Homer is at Doctor Nick’s office, getting a physical. Dr. Nick explains that he is going to test the percentage of fat in Homer’s body by jiggling his belly, and then timing how long it takes for the belly to stop jiggling. He hits Homer’s tummy. It jiggles. one. two. three. four. five. six. seven. eight. nine. ten… Dr. Nick hits the intercom button. “Janine, cancel my three o’clock.”
The episode where Bart wins an elephant, they are releasing it to the elephant preserve. Bart’s elephant (can’t remember the name) starts head butting another elephant.
Marge: Why is he doing that?
Park Ranger: Because some elephants, like some people [camera pans right to show Homer head butting the Ranger’s side again and again] are just plain jerks.
“Dooon’t feel bad. I’ve bin fightin’ wooolves since you were a wee pup.” -Groundskeeper Willie
“I ate all my caps.”- Ralph Wiggum
Homer: I’m somewhere where I don’t know where I am.
Marge: Are there towels? If there’s towels, you’re in the bathroom closet again.
Homer the Vigilante:
“You can use statistics to prove anything. Forty percent of people are aware of that.”
I humbly submit the following gem:
**Can you name the truck with four-wheel drive,
Smells like a steak and seats thirty-five!
Canyonero…
Canyonerooo!
Well, it goes real slow with the hammer down,
it’s the country-fried truck endorsed by a clown!
Canyonero…
Canyonerooo!
(Krusty)Hey hey!
The federal highway commision has ruled the Canyonero
unsafe for highway or city driving.
Canyonerooo!
Twelve yards long, two lanes wide,
sixty-five tons of American pride!
Canyonero…
Canyonerooo!
Top o’ the line in utility sports,
unexplained fires are a matter for the courts!
Canyonero…
Canyonerooo!
She blinds everybody with her super-high beams,
she’s a squirrel-squashin’, deer-smackin’, drivin’ machine!
Canyonero…
Canyonerooo!
Yah!
Yah, Canyonero!
Yah!
Whoa, Canyonero!
Whoa!**
I hurt just reading these. 
A few of my own:
When Willie plays Freddie:
Bart: How horrible to go to sleep and not know if you’ll ever wake up.
Grandpa: Welcome to my world! Zzzz…
When Krusty became a bitter stand-up:
Agent 1: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Agent 2: I hope so. (puts hand on knee)
Agent 1: I thought I made myself clear in Boston…
When Willie finds out Scotchtoberfest was a ruse to trap Bart:
Willie: Ya used me Skinner! Ya used me!
When Principal Skinner and Mrs. Crabapple are holed up in the school:
Willie: Willie hears ya. Willie don’ care.
When Kang and Kodos become Clinton and Dole:
Kang: When I am elected overlord all will kneel before me and obey my brutal commands. (Crosses arms across chest) End communication.
(A friend of mine ends every e-mail with “END COMMUNICATION.” He scares me.)
“The Shining” spoof:
Homer: Urge to kill fading… fading… rising!.. fading… gone.
The monkey’s paw episode:
Kang: But soon they will have bigger boards with bigger nails!
From the John Waters episode:
Homer: I like my TV loud, my beer cold, and my homosexuals flaaaming.
Homer: Hello, Selma? It’s Homer. How are you? Uh-huh… uh-huh… listen, shut up for a minute…
The Simpsons buy a pool:
Amish man: Right fine barn ya got there, English.
Homer: D’oheth!
From the Duff Gardens episode:
Selma: Bart, quit bugging your sister. Lisa, drink the water!
Lisa: I am the lizard queen!
Doctor: Give her one of these… one of these… and all of these. (Dumps fist full of pills)
Selma: Thank you, doctor.
Doctor: Oh, I’m not a doctor.
Lisa: Can’t talk, comin’ down…
When Homer helps his mother escape:
Grandpa: I’m the Lindbergh baby! Waa waa! Goo goo! I want my fly-fly da-da!
Mr. Burns: Are you insane or merely providing a diversion?
Grandpa: Eh, A little bit from column A, and a little bit from column B…
And the episode wasn’t Dr. Nick, Swimming, but Dr. Julius Hibbert who tested Homer’s body fat:
Homer: Woo hoo! Look at that blubber fly!
Oy. I’m cryin’ here…
Esprix