I convinced my father to include the word “Embiggens” in his monthly Sales & Marketing report (he titles it the “S & M Report”).
“It is months like these that embiggens the soul.”
One person in the entire organization called him on it.
A few of my favourites:
Kang masquerading as Bob Dole:
“We must always be moving forward, not backward, sideways, not forward and always twirling, twirling, twirling.”
Homer
“The dizzying highs, the gut wrenching lows, the soft creamy middle.”
Milhouse, after Bart killed his goldfish while taking care of it and tried to tell him that he never had a goldfish:
“But why did I have the bowl Bart, why did I have the bowl?”
Homer: “Pinchy would have wanted it that way.”
Apu: “Thank you for coming! I’ll see you in hell!”
On an episode where the kids are supposed to be on curfew-- all the others sneak out as if their lives depend on secrecy. But…
Nelson: “I’m breakin’ curfew!”
Nelson’s mom: “We’re outta Skoal!”
Smithers suggests “Chinese” to a hungry Mr. Burns, who replies, “Those people are so stringy.” (I mutilated that one, but it sure is funny!)
Here’s some:
(Knock-knock)
Homer: Who is it?
outside door: Hired goons.
Homer: Who?
outside door: Hired goons.
Schoolkids: Are you going to marry a corrt?
Lisa: Yeah, I’m going to to marry a carrot.
schoolkids: Lisa’s going to marry a carrot!
Ned: Homer, I can see your doodle!
Homer: He didn’t give you gay, did he?
Homer: Help, Help the doll’s trying to kill me and the toaster’s been laughing at me!
(from the time trave episode)
Homer: Ah-coo! (all of the dinosaurs start dying)
This is gonna cost me.
The scene where Marge is being very coy about
buying Bart a cup. Finally in exasperation,
after the store clerk offers a helmet, knee
pads and sholder pads:
Marge: Oh, for crying out loud, I wanna cup.
Clerk: Could you spell that please?
Marge: C-U-P. I wanna C-U-…Oh, my goodness.
I choked on that one.
Also, the one where Apu and his wife were trying
to conceive, he turns out the light and says
“Oh, Calcutta.” The censor should have caught that
one, and it was in a place where it very easily
could have been cut.
Oh, God, I thought I was going to die laughing!
How about these:
Ralph: My cat’s breath smells like cat food.
Homer(during a rough time with Marge): Good old fatithful beer, my love for YOU will never die.
(also during that scene he calls Marge a “vile snake-woman” but I can’t remember the exact line.)
Oh! this is wonderful. I’m so glad this thread took off like it did.
Well, here’s a few more favs:
When Bart was crying about his dog being lost (very paraphrased):
Homer : Crying about it isn’t going to help, unless your tears smell like dogfood. Your tears don’t smell like dogfood do they?
Bart: no.
Homer: Well, then you could sit here and eat dogfood till your tears smell like dogfood, or you could get out there and find your dog!
Bart: I’ll do it! (and he quickly darts out)
Homer: Oh rats, I almost got him to eat dogfood.
Marge: The only thing I’m high on is love for my son and daughters. That’s right! a little LSD is all I need.
from the Paul McCartney episode:
Linda M.: When ever we’re in Springfield we like to hang out in Apu’s garden in the shade.
Lisa: what if someone wants non-alcoholic beer?
Apu: Ya know it’s never come up.
Lisa: They don’t really expect us to swallow this tripe.
some guy: And now children please help yourself to this tripe, courtesy of the meat company.
Ralph: when I grow up I’m going to bovine university.
Lisa: why does it [the worm] talk like a lamb?
Mr. Burns: I think I’m going to donate a million dollars to the local orphanage. [pause] when pigs fly.
[He and Mr. Smithers laugh] [pig flies by]
Mr. Smithers: Would you like to do that now sir?
Mr. Burns: I’d still prefer not.
I can keep goin on all day, but I’ll leave you all with this for now.
Bart falls out of the tree. . .
Nelson: Ha, Ha!
Milhouse: Hey Nelson, he’s really hurt, I think he broke his leg!
Nelson: I said “Ha, Ha!”
Hilarious. . .
Mr. Bergstrom:
That’s the problem with being middle-class. Anybody who really cares will abandon you for those who need it more.
(from Lisa’s Substitute)
Homer, looking for a snack in the middle of the night:
“Mmmmmmmm…sixty-four slices of American cheese…”
“sixty-three (gulp)”
“sixty-two (gulp)”
etc.
Marge, walking into the kitchen the next morning:
“Homer, were you up all night eating American cheese again?”
Homer:
“I think I’m blind!”
Ah, here it is, from the master:
Cracks me up every time.
Esprix
Wow! All these and no one picked my favorite. I hope I get this right. Homer on how his brain only holds so much:
Homer: Remember when I took that wine tasting class and forgot how to drive?
Marge: Homer, you were drunk.
Homer: And how. . .
Used to be my sig: Teacher, my red crayon tastes funny–Ralph.
All the rest are paraphrased.
Grandpa (when asked by a reporter if Homer is a communist): My son is not a communist. He may be a pig, an idiot and a communist, but he’s not a porn star!
Ned Flanders losing his cool: Do diddly- DAMN!
Homer: Why does everything tasty have to be so good?
And so, so many more. This is about the third Simpson’s quote thread I’ve seen since I registered on this board. I never get tired of them.
When Principal Skinner and Miss Krabappel are having an affair.
Ralph: I saw Miss Krabappel and Principal Skinner in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and it smiled at me.
When the school had to cut back and Willie was teaching French class
Willie: Bonjourrrrrrrr! You cheese-eatin’ surrender monekys.
When Bleeding Gums Murphy dies, Homer is trying to console Lisa.
Homer: Remember when Snowball died? We went to the pound and got a new cat. I guess what I’m saying is we’ll just go to the pound and get you a new Jazz Man.
And finally, my sig from Sherry Bobbins’ “A Boozehound Named Barney”
Granmpa sits down in the back seat of the family car and a squishing sound is heard:
Marge: Grampa! You didn’t sit on the pumpkin pie did you?!
Grampa (with worried expresion): Oooh, I hope so…
Ralph: “Me fail enlish? Thats unpossilble!”
Homer: “Twenty dollars? But I wanted a peanut!”
The Professor: “No you cant play with it, you wont enjoy it on as many levels as me.”
Fat comic book store owner: “No, now go away, were racing for supreme champion of the universe.”
Otto: “My name is Otto, i love to get blatto’d.”
Hans Moleman: “I need the biggest bird feeder you have… No, thats to big.”
Smithers: “Uh, you should probably just ignore that.”
Apu: “Mrs. Simpson, I–I cannot go there. That is the scene of my spiritual depantsing.”
Apu: “Snap on your bulletproof vest, Sanjay, it’s time for another bank run.”
Sanjay: “All right. But if I don’t make it, promise you won’t sleep with my wife.”
Apu: “I promise nothing.”
Homer (to Flanders): Can’t talk. Busy. Go hell.
From the Halloween episode where Homer buys Bart a talking Krusty doll:
Old Chinese Man: I must warn you - the doll is cursed.
Homer: That’s bad.
Old Chinese Man: But it comes with a free frogurt!
Homer: That’s good!
Old Chinese Man: The frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That’s bad.
Old Chinese Man: But it comes with your free choice of topping!
Homer: That’s good!
Old Chinese Man: The toppings contain sodium benzoate.
Homer: {blink blink}
Old Chinese Man: That’s bad.
Homer: Just give me the doll.
Esprix
Just a few minor corrections if I remember correctly