I WAS divorced and have no been happily remarried for 15 years.
I will say this- in the years BETWEEN my two marriages, I got the strong sense that it was better to be perceived as divorced than as never married. That is, if I’d been a 34 year old never married guy, I honestly think a lot of women would have considered me a lonely loser. But I was divorced which meant…
I was capable of commitment, and
SOME woman thought I was good enough to marry, so how bad could I be?
So, IF I’d been signing up for a dating service (something I never actually did), “divorced” would have been a better answer than “single.”
Thanks to everyone for their thoughtful and thought-provoking replies. There are some good points that I’d like to explore further. Right now, I’m at work so I can’t respond in full. I just wanted to pop in to say that 1) I appreciate the replies, and 2) I’ll comment fully as soon as I can.
Not to mention, I’m old enough to remember that if a man was over 40 and had never been married, everyone assumed he was gay. Now that people can be more safely out, and even get married in a few states, you don’t assume an unmarried man is gay unless he says he is-- I mean, I’m sure there are still places where it isn’t very safe to come out, but it’s a really different world from the 1980s.
Oh brother! Maybe I should start saying divorced all the time then. Because if saying “divorced” means I’m going to ward off any fundie Christians who actually think like this, good riddance.
It’s funny though, I have a few Christian friends that are remarried and even know of a few that are living together out of wedlock! Guess I better let them know they’re gonna burn a hot one in hell.
I know you are being funny, but family starts before kids. Even before kids, my husband was more my family than my mom, and I love and am close to my mom. But that’s what marriage is. . .it’s one way of recognizing/announcing a family relationship. That’s fundamentally different than other types of relationships, and I would argue that that is the meaningful distinction, not fucking, living together, blending finances, duration, or any other determinant people use. Even loving each other is kinda secondary to and independent of whether you think of them as your next of kin, your closest family.
I would prefer the generic single verses choices like widowed, never-married, divorced etc., as it seems unnecessarily invasive to have to explain on some government document my status for statistical purposes.
I do believe the origin is archaic and hearkens back to a time when there was far more stigma for a woman to remain unmarried (if she were over the age of 24), and far more stigma to being divorced verses widowed.
I also dislike the word “Miss”. As I’m over 50, it seems childish, although I am legally single and that would be the correct title. I prefer Ms, which seems to have fallen out of use.
I think it is a holdover for the idea that a person of age X should be married, settled down, living in a home with 8 years left on a 15 year mortgage, and have 2.3 kids, or else Something is Wrong, and we want to know what kind of weirdo you are.
Widowed: Oh, so sorry for you loss. We aren’t looking down on you.
Single: What’s wrong with you that you haven’t found anyone yet?
Divorced: What’s wrong with you that you couldn’t keep someone?
Which term might be socially preferable is highly dependent on age and social context.
A 20 year old widower might feel much more comfortable just calling himself single to avoid questions when meeting casual acquaintances. If a social relationship develops then details can follow.
A 67 year old might want to use the term widowed rather than single as it is more social accepted for someone of her age group.
That bugs the shit out of me too. Luckily, being a lesbian, we tend to reserve the term for its appropriate use, otherwise the world would get a hell of a lot more complicated.
When I was separated, which was mostly a convenience for my wife to date someone else without technically cheating in her view, I was on a dating site as “available.” That was one of the options, and I was happy to provide the specifics to any prospective dates.
IANAL but IIRC in some states living together and proclaiming yourself as married results in a common law marriage. In Texas, no time limit. Live together say you are married, you are. Assuming you would have been legally allowed to marry.
You definitely get weird reactions if you say you are widowed, especially if you’re fairly young. There were lots of times I would have preferred to be more anonymously divorced than widowed.
Sounds like weeding out religious wackos would be a handy added benefit.
The text of Matthew’s gospel, as written, includes the phrase 'except for porneia," which is often translated ‘adultery’. Mark, Luke, and Paul don’t include an adultery exception, and there’s some internal evidence in Matthew’s Gospel that Jesus didn’t actually make the exception, and that it was an interpolation either by Matthew or some early scribe. I can go into more detail about that internal evidence if you wish, Charles Gore covered it nicely a hundred years ago.
Now, human beings are weak, and I think we can depend on Jesus to have mercy on our weaknesses. The standard is an almost impossible one to live up to, I don’t think that people can be expected to live up to it in every regard, and maybe that’s not even really the point. Based on the words of Jesus, though, remarriage after divorce is still, technically, a species of adultery though.
Specifically excluded in PA, where we live. IANAL either, but eventually I’m gonna have to ask mine if what we are doing could have negative repercussions.
I have a friend who falls into multiple categories. He was twice-divorced, then widowed, then divorced again. I need to ask how he describes himself. Unattached? Unlucky? Persistent?
Forty-some years ago, he was my first boyfriend - I guess I got lucky when he dumped me.
My marriage ended almost 4 years ago. I would describe myself as “divorced,” because, to me, this is a very different phase of life.
I don’t feel the same way I did about myself, what’s reasonable to ask from a relationship, or what I really want out of my life as I did before I got married.
