Dingdingding! That’s it exactly. I’m attractive enough that I’ve never had a problem getting men (when I make the first move), but I hardly ever get asked out or even talked to by men at all. Before my current SO, I was single for 2.5 years. Before my last SO, I was single for nearly 2 years. I rarely turn down offers for dates if I’m not attached and the man doesn’t smell bad.
Most of the times that I have been approached, it is when I’m dressed down- jeans, ponytail, no makeup.
My guess is that, as FinnAgain said in this thread, most guys just think that girls like me are born with boyfriends.
I appreciate how hard it may be to come up and talk to me. I’ll try to make it easier for you if you are just direct with me and don’t leer, oogle, or “mac”.
Chalk up another for the direct route (whether you’re a guy or a girl ;)). As a rather profoundly introverted person, it’s easier on me, too, to be able to say, “yes, thank you” or “no, thank you” instead of having to worry* about whether you’re chatting me up because you’re interested, because you’re friendly, or because you’re trying to sell me something.
*Yes, for me this is a worry. I often don’t pick up “appropriately” on other people’s social cues, and so if you flirt with me for FOUR HOURS (o coyote an embarrassing story) the odds are against my picking up on it. Asking me out directly, however, I’m not likely to miss.
That phrasing sounds a little robotic. Would I get slapped if I said, “hey, you seem like a lot of fun. Would your boyfriend beat me up if I asked you out?”
Okay, yeah so maybe not exactly the way that I phrased it. Add any pertinent-to-the-conversation information, and maybe make it a little more casual. But you get the idea.
Garius, I swear if you weren’t a day or so’s drive away and I weren’t spoken for, I’d offer to cook up your meat for you! Don’t forget, lad, I’m an Englishwoman in Pennsylvania.
As I said, I’m spoken for, but I don’t see anything wrong with the question, “Are you seeing anyone?” or, if you want to go for sheepish, somewhat self-deprecating charm, “You wouldn’t happen to be seeing anyone, would you?” Trust me, if it’s asked in such a way that it’s obvious the fellow expects the answer to be “Yes, I am”, it can be very charming and flattering indeed. At least, I think so. When I asked guys that question, the answer always seemed to be, “Yes.” By the way, if the girl answers, “Well, at the moment I’m looking at you,” I’d say that’s a good sign, but that’s in my fantasy world where the dialog’s better than it is in reality. (I also don’t make typos in my fantasy world.)
I’d say asking someone if she’s available is neutral in and of itself. It has more to do with the guy asking the question. If he’s giving off a creepy vibe, it’ll come off creepy. If he’s giving off a charming vibe, it’ll come off charming.
By the way, Sister Coyote, believe me, it could be worse. Back in my early 20’s, I actually went on a date with a guy and didn’t realize it was a date until a few days later! :eek: He wound up exchanging stories with a guy I later nearly married about how completely clueless I was!
No, no, no! You cook the meat for them! My (admittedly limited) experience says that cooking is a very good dating skill, if you can do anything that is tasty(1) and present it well(2).
(1) Tasty is relative. I think most girls are fairly forgiving of guy-cooking, and if you’re even medium-competent you can put up a really good showing. If you’re like me and go to school in a place with a bad dining hall of epic proportions, it’s hard not to look like a borderline-gourmet by comparison. It’s better to be good, but competent seems to suffice.
(2) Vanilla ice cream topped with chocolate sprinkles in a coffee mug is very ordinary. Vanilla ice cream in a china teacup with a pair of long, spiral-y chocolate shavings stabbed into it is much persuasive than would be immediately obvious.
Yeah, this fits me too. If I see an attractive girl in a bookstore or music store…or anywhere else for that matter, I usually make it a point never to just go and chat them up randomly. I have a big fear of coming across as rude or annoying to someone I don’t know.
Sure, nothing wrong with a little conversation, but let’s be honest, if I’m starting a conversation with a random girl it’s perfectly clear why I’m doing it. Clear in my mind, and most likely clear to her too. There’s really no such thing as “just wanting to get to know a random person.” If that were true I would be just as likely to go up to a random guy and start chatting with him. And I don’t.
Twenty one in October…the bar and club scene should be a welcome change of pace.
Many guys at gas stations are Indian. Unfortunately, the stereotypes are sometimes true.
Many of these guys at gas stations are looking for a wife.
Many of these guys at a gas station have propositioned me. At last count, I had **four ** proposals of marriage from men at gas stations. **Two ** more from women for their brothers. And **three ** more from three men for their “friends” for a green card. That makes 4 + 2 + 3 = 9. I kid you not. I am 29, and they have all taken place since I was 17 to now.
In short, if you ask me out at the gas station, I’m afraid I may run screaming for the door, as I have been doing lately whenever they start the old sentence “Are you Indian?”. It’s just not an appropriate place, IMO.
Now there’s an idea - work in teams of two. The second guy gets to “rescue” the woman.
Of course, more often than not the second guy would have to spend all his time bailing the first guy out of jail - still though, an interesting concept.
Single guy here, and I swear by ladyfoxfire’s method. Mention the boyfriend casually, and she’s usually waiting to hear something like it. If she acknowledges the existence of the boyfriend, move on. If she denies boyfriend, then continue.
Simple, elegant, obvious and little or no humiliation.
Preface it with the three-look rule and you really will end up talking to women who are interested.
(Don’t mention a “husband.” Good training means you checked her finger first, before you ever got close. If the ring disappears during your approach, go somewhere else.)
If it’s a situation where you see her frequently (like at work), then be sweetly flirtatious to the less-than-stunning girls, and coldly (but unfailingly!) polite to the hotties. You’ll reap rewards in both fields.
Hmmm. I wonder if the odds of a women accepting the meat would even be that good. Accepting meat from strangers can’t be the wisest thing for a person do to, tempting as it might be. That’s not to mention the difficulty in getting the meat to the attractive woman before she moves on, and if she does then what? You’re stuck with meat for two and a mouth for one. You’d have to know her daily schedule and sense of humor ahead of time, or just try offering the meat to as many women walking by as you can before the meat goes bad. I’d like to meet the guy with the balls to do that.
Still, this approach intrigues me. Were I woman, I most certaintly would take the meat and cook it. I really wish someone here would try this and report back with results. How 'bout it Dopers? Any takers for the challenge? Whoever dare to brave the game holding the foul will truely go down in the books
I hate to be Mr. Negative but I think much of this is really horrible advice.
Being polite, pleasant, attractive, and radiating that you’re in a good place without a woman is great. I’m all for that.
But waiting for the woman to make the first move isn’t all that smart. It’s the classic “nice guy” mistake of thinking that showing interest in a woman is somehow offensive. I did this for years, and only later found out that a lot of the women assumed that I wasn’t interested in them because I wasn’t showing any initiative. If a woman is interested in you, she’d like to be asked out, if for no other reason than to demonstrate that you’re interested as well. This is not to say that no women will ever ask out a passive guy, but you’re seriously hurting your odds. If she’s really interested she may keep stepping things up, but she might also just give up because you’re not responding. And how is she going to get to be really interested without your active participation, anyway?
As for waiting until you’re absolutely sure she’s interested…if you’re a bit clueless like I am, you may be waiting a long, long time.
Also, once a woman is interested, it is in fact possible to offend her. Less likely, but still possible Just take my word for it.
I’m rather tempted to try the “Say it with Meat” experiment, but it’s a bit impractical. I’m generally not in the habit of carrying around packages of meat, so it could only work if I spotted a woman, sprinted to the grocery store, and then managed to find her again afterwards. Obviously, this can’t be done inside a grocery store (where it’d be most convenient) because offering a woman a package of meat that you haven’t even paid for yet is simply rude.
It’s possibly this might work (work meaning “get to the point where you actually present the meat”) once, but you’d need a sample size of at least 10 tries, and that’s a lot of work. I think ideally you’d have a friend with a cooler who could hand you the meat before you dash off, but then you really can’t tell the woman that you bought the meat just for her.
Just ask her out! Don’t laugh at this, coming from a girl who has only successfully asked someone out once in her life. I don’t mean successfully as in “was accepted,” I mean as in “was able to be brave enough to ask.”
Say it with meat. Snerk.
By the way, the only times men have asked me out without knowing me previously have been when I was dressed up, wearing make-up, and otherwise looking like an actual woman-type person. I wonder if that should bother me more than it does.
Be direct. Not aggressive, but to the point and direct. I’m literal to a fault and if you come up to me in the shampoo aisle asking for hair-care advice, guess what you’re getting?
My girlfriends call me flirting challenged - but - I’m the one who ends up with confident, assertive men, which is the number one attractive train in a man, though a solid build and hairy chest dont’ hurt.
Um, yeah, and of the available women out there, what percentage do you think are the type to wait for a man to show interest in them, figuring if they can’t tell that he’s interested, then he isn’t.
If you always wait for the women to be obviously interested (which in the real world means spontaneously undressing), you’re only ever going to get women who prefer to be the predator.
For offensive, read creepy. The sad truth is that if you’re not the Right Kind of Guy, showing interest in a woman is creepy, and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it except keep doing it until, by dumb luck I guess, you stumble over a woman whose Right Kind of Guy you happen to be.
I don’t think so. I’m approached by all kinds of men, and the only ones I’ve found creepy - and not all of them have been my Right Kind of Guy - have been the creeps, and they are actually pretty rare. And I don’t categorize men as creepy because they chat me up, I’m talking about men who make vulgar suggestions, men who make too intimate physical contact, men who leer without saying anything, men who try and handle me.
Just striking up a conversation, even with bad pick-up lines, is not getting you labeled creep in my book, and I think women who act so have issues and are a waste of space not to mention your time and energy. (That said, some men could do with a refresher on how to take a hint gently. Or not get pissed and hostile when you force us to be blunt and direct about a turn-down. )
Ankles behind necks aside, women don’t have magical powers to determine with zero contact whether a man is her Right Kind of Guy. I certainly don’t know until after I’ve actually had time to not just hear you, but get a good eyeful, check out your butt, maybe try and guess your weight. So, if you don’t approach and actually say something, how can we tell?
I’d bet if you took a specific poll, the majority of realistic single women responding would say they prefer to be approached by the man, do not find it creepy, and wish men would do so more often.
You know why this is so difficult - because men don’t do it enough! We women are getting out of practice with man-reparte.
There should be some type of National Chat Up week where everyone is fair game just to show how fun and interesting these types of exchanges can be. Kinda like St. Patricks and wearing green, you get a noogie or something if you pass more than five women without chatting one up.
Yea, asking her out is the best bet. Remember, if she says “I have a boyfriend” it equals “No”.
The only time random men start talking to me is when I’m dressed in shirts and jeans, sometimes even without make-up (or just lipstick). When I’m dress to impress… well, nobody comes up to me and asks me if I’m single or where’s my husband.
By the way, if the girl answers, “Well, at the moment I’m looking at you,” I’d say that’s a good sign, but that’s in my fantasy world where the dialog’s better than it is in reality. (I also don’t make typos in my fantasy world.)
It’s just not an appropriate place, IMO.